S/O: being “hands off” with teen’s schoolwork??

[Anonymous]

DS is a freshman in HS; he was able to get good grades with little effort on middle school, but this resulted in some laziness.

I don’t expect straight As but I do expect him to try his best. For example, our younger DD has some learning challenges and if she gets a C or D on a test, I don’t get upset. I know she’s trying very hard. My son, on the other hand, is capable of straight As but doesn’t want to put in the effort. He’s getting all As and Bs right now, which on paper is great, but he recently chose not to study for a unit test in Spanish and got a D, as his overall grade dropped from a solid A to an 80%. This is maddening to me because it would’ve been very easy to spend an hour memorizing the material, and he chose to talk to friends online instead.

As a result, we have decreased his computer time after school to almost nothing, and are on his a$$ about his homework, because we no longer trust him to manage it on his own. He complains about it and tells us we are overreacting because his grades are very good, but for us it’s not about the grades as much as it’s about his lack of work ethic.

Are we overreacting or micromanaging too much? The hope is that as he develops better habits, we let go more.

[Anonymous]

A "D" is just unacceptable when the kid got this because he did not bother to study. To me, that's not trying your best or owning your responsibility of being a student/learner. I think you did right by taking away his computer privileges. If he thinks you're riding his ass, tell him that this is part of the consequences of getting a "D". When his grades are back up due to him working hard, then he can get his computer privileges back. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

You are doing the right thing. This is called parenting. Do you have the ability to follow his grades online? Do it.

[Anonymous]

Does he know the consequences if he screws up? That the stakes are high, and that if he doesn’t try, then he alone will have to deal with the consequences? And I’m not talking about being grounded, lol!

I hate for kids to have to think about such things, but the truth is: effort matters. And there are rewards for those who try.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to go against the grain and say let him fail. You’re not going to be around to push him for the rest of his life. And who would want to? Better he learns these tough lessons now.

[Anonymous]

If he is used to getting As and Bs then getting a D on a unit test will probably at least motivate him to work a little harder to at least get his 80% up to a more solid grade.

Unless his attitude is "Oh well, I guess I'm a D student now, whatever" you should give him a chance to learn from his mistake. He now knows that Spanish 2 or 3 is going to be more difficult than Spanish 1 or 2, and he will likely correct himself. If you must, tell him that if it keeps happening, you will need to micromanage his school work.

There seem to be a lot of parents of freshman flipping out over one poor test grade. It's going to be a long four years for you guys.

My ADHD kid was capable of being a straight A student but it wasn't important to him to be one. I, personally, was a straight A student. But I realized that he's a separate person with his own priorities, likes, dislikes, interests, motivations, etc., and I realized that you don't need to be a straight A student to live a full life. He did enough to get more As than Bs (with the occasional poor test grade) and I was much happier being OK with that than I would have been if I had been "hands on" with his school work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to go against the grain and say let him fail. You’re not going to be around to push him for the rest of his life. And who would want to? Better he learns these tough lessons now.

This is my response as well. While I do ask my kids, "did you do your homework?" and "do you have any tests tomorrow you need to study for?" that's about the extent of my interference.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should support and check if its an issue.

[Anonymous]

I don't micromanage my kids' school work but if grades are falling and work isnt' getting done, they will have consequences. IMO, school is their job and I am their boss. If they can do quality work and get the results I expect, then I'll be as hands-off as I can. If they aren't getting is done, I will supervise more to the extent necessary. My job is to teach them good habits and to take responsibility and set priorities. They need guidance and structure to do that. Once they get it, I can back off again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't micromanage my kids' school work but if grades are falling and work isnt' getting done, they will have consequences. IMO, school is their job and I am their boss. If they can do quality work and get the results I expect, then I'll be as hands-off as I can. If they aren't getting is done, I will supervise more to the extent necessary. My job is to teach them good habits and to take responsibility and set priorities. They need guidance and structure to do that. Once they get it, I can back off again.

Yes, the consequences are: you won’t get into a decent college. You may go to community college (which is fine, but probably not their preference). And if their laziness continues, they won’t be successful in their adult/professional life. That is the consequence. As a parent, I tell my kids this. There is no back up in life. They don’t have to be straight A’s, but do your best work.

[Anonymous]

My ninth grader wasn't ready to manage on his own. And there never was computer time on weekdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to go against the grain and say let him fail. You’re not going to be around to push him for the rest of his life. And who would want to? Better he learns these tough lessons now.

um... the consequences can be severe though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to go against the grain and say let him fail. You’re not going to be around to push him for the rest of his life. And who would want to? Better he learns these tough lessons now.

um... the consequences can be severe though.

Failing a test as a high school freshman? Or even a class? I just don’t see any “severe” consequences from this. Consequences that you, the parent, don’t like - sure. But lifelong severe consequences? I don’t see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to go against the grain and say let him fail. You’re not going to be around to push him for the rest of his life. And who would want to? Better he learns these tough lessons now.

um... the consequences can be severe though.

While I get that the stakes can be higher these days, with the high cost of college, getting a job, I don't think one failed test, even two...even a failed class...isn't going to result in complete failure in life.

[Anonymous]

I definitely wouldn't punish for a random grade in one class. I tell my freshman in HS he needs to get Bs and As because I believe he is capable. I don't manage his mid-quarter grades and sometimes he does poorly - I merely remind him he needs to get it up to a B.

I think OP is micromanaging. Your kid won't be motivated if you tell him what to do all the time, If the end of quarter grades aren't good, then make a new rule for the next quarter - more helpful than punishing one test failure.