Respite Care for Live-In Parent

[Anonymous]

Hello,

I wanted to see if anyone has any good solutions for respite care for live-in parents. My mother is 70, has had surgery this year, and is a fall risk. She is receiving PT and other services. I love her very much, but she complains constantly about me, my husband, my child, and house. She has always been like this, but it has gotten more pronounced as she has aged.

I have thought about asking my sister, who lives locally and has a guest room, if she can take her one weekend a month. Does this seem reasonable? I can't come up with any other good solutions, and I feel DH, DC, and I need some time to ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Yes of course this is reasonable!

[Anonymous]

Absolutely insist on this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely insist on this!

The problem is you can’t “insist” your sister take this on. You can only ask.

[Anonymous]

It's very reasonable, but if it doesn't work out, you should absolutely hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is an anxious person and she has become hyper-critical of you. She should be on zoloft.

[Anonymous]

She's not very old. Can she do anything for herself? I agree with PP that she needs to be on an anti-depressant! What about a service like Visiting Angels if your sister won't do it?

[Anonymous]

Can you get her booked on a cruise (so you get a break?)

There are a lot of folks on cruises that barely get around.

[Anonymous]

Tell your sister and your mother that if she refuses to be courteous, refuses anxiety medication and refuses respite care, you will have no choice but to put her in a home, because you can't stand it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Some of the assisted living places offer respite care for several weeks. Call around in your area.

You have earned the break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello,

I wanted to see if anyone has any good solutions for respite care for live-in parents. My mother is 70, has had surgery this year, and is a fall risk. She is receiving PT and other services. I love her very much, but she complains constantly about me, my husband, my child, and house. She has always been like this, but it has gotten more pronounced as she has aged.

I have thought about asking my sister, who lives locally and has a guest room, if she can take her one weekend a month. Does this seem reasonable? I can't come up with any other good solutions, and I feel DH, DC, and I need some time to ourselves.

How long ago and under what circumstances did your mother originally move in with you? Was she providing child care or did/does she contribute financially? Either way, of course you can ask your sister to share the caregiving load, but keep in mind she is not obligated to do so and her willingness may also depend on the above factors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Tell your sister and your mother that if she refuses to be courteous, refuses anxiety medication and refuses respite care, you will have no choice but to put her in a home, because you can't stand it anymore.

This. It doesn't necessarily have to be a home, but my husband and DS come first. And if my mom was making their lives miserable and the home life unpleasant, I would not have her live with me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Of course, ask your sister to assist with your mom's care! If she says no, ask for $$ so you can hire someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course, ask your sister to assist with your mom's care! If she says no, ask for $$ so you can hire someone.

This would not give OP the break from her mother’s presence that her family needs.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, everyone. OP here. My mother has some health issues and had surgery in the Spring. She is currently receiving physical therapy, but she has some issues with mobility.

She has been pretty reluctant to stay at my sister's before, mainly I think because she is not crazy about my BIL. She has been with us for ten years, helping with childcare for one child when she has been able. It made sense at the time because she was downsized at work and did not want to live alone.

I very much want to do the right thing by her, but I can not afford to place her anywhere myself and she only has Social Security. It is extremely hard though having an irritable older person in your house. I will discuss with my sister to see if she can convince her to visit there more often.