When to tell people about BFP after undergoing fertility treatments

[Anonymous]

I got a BFP on a pregnancy test (still in shock) and am awaiting a beta blood test in two days to confirm results. I have been very open with people (about a dozen friends/ 3 coworkers)
about undergoing fertility treatments. Since I've put this info out there, a lot of my friends ask me my status on how treatment is going. On the other hand, we have kept our families out of the loop about treatment because we felt that it would increase our anxiety/pressure.

So if the beta confirms that I am pregnant, who if anyone do I tell? My husband and I figure we'll come up with a game plan after the beta testing. We know we don't want to tell our families prior to the first trimester, due to the previously mentioned reason of them increasing our angst.

Should I just lie to friends and coworkers and say I'm still undergoing treatment? Should I wait until after the first ultrasound to tell people? Or after the first trimester? Should I tell people that I'm pregnant but I don't want to talk about it too much until after the 12th week? Then there's the issue of feeling strange about telling friends/coworkers before family.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine was in a similar situation but hasn't gotten pregnant yet. She eventually got tired of people asking her (co-workers) things like, "did you get your period today?" and said they knew way too much. She realized if she did get pregnant, she would have to tell people way before she was ready. She started telling people that they were putting off treatments for a while and were taking a break.

The point: Tell your coworkers and (most of your) friends that you're going to take a break, at least a break from talking about it, and that you'll make an announcement if there's good news.

[Anonymous]

I'd definitely keep your co workers in the dark as long as possible. Heaven forbid this happens to you, but if anything goes wrong the less people you have to untell the better. Take it from someone thats been there.

[Anonymous]

Ditto the PP -- do not tell your coworkers until 2nd trimester. I also told too many people too early. And you will feel weird if your coworkers know before your family.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation - I told some friends and coworkers when we were undergoing treatment. On my successful IVF cycle, I didn't want to tell anyone (other than my mom, sister, and one friend) until after our first ultrasound. I was able to put people off by saying we'd find out "in a couple of weeks." I found that most people don't know enough about how cycles work or pay close enough attention to know when you are supposed to find out, even if you've told them you are cycling. I am now 10 weeks and have told most of the people who knew about our infertility treatments, and I'm going to tell everyone else once we (hopefully) make it to the second trimester. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

i agree with not telling anyone until you are well into the first trimester----preferably actually 12-13 weeks but perhaps at 8-9 weeks or whenever you are released from the fertility clinic to the OB (i know SG released me after 2 viable ultrasounds at 9 weeks).
I too was very open about doing fertility treatments (in our case IVF) but was able to simply tell people that I didn't have any news yet and that I was still in the midst of treatment and that it was a long process. People didn't probe for exact details (no, "well, what DAY will you know?" questions).

[Anonymous]

first....congratulations! and fingers crossed for a nice, strong beta number.

i sort of disagree w/the PPs. if you have been keeping your close friends in the loop until now, i don't see any reason to hide it. (assuming you trust these people -esp coworkers- not to spread the word). if you've been comfortable sharing details about ivf, you're a pretty open person, so i would think it would be natural to also share the news of a pregnancy. if the pregnancy is not successful, it is nice to have support from people who care. and if it is, it's nice to have confidantes early on. if you do choose to wait and don't want to wait until the end of the 1st tri, you could hold off until you see a h/b ...m/c rates drop to something like 5% at that point.

[Anonymous]

I would wait until you are past the two or three month mark. Why did you tell people you were undergoing fert treatment and now why do you suddenly want to keep your pg a secret?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The point: Tell your coworkers and (most of your) friends that you're going to take a break, at least a break from talking about it, and that you'll make an announcement if there's good news.

This is the approach we took and it took a lot of pressure off. Also, I finally felt like I could experience "normal" pregnancy issues, like hiding the fact that I was pregnant and figuring when and how to share the good news. After all the stress of fertility treatments, those were fun "stresses." Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

I would only tell the people who you would want to be there to support you if you have a miscarriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only tell the people who you would want to be there to support you if you have a miscarriage.

Agreed. One thing to consider is how close you are to the coworkers. Are they truly friends, or people you are familiar with and felt obligated to share with when you were undergoing treatment? If they are the latter, they might not actually want to know too much -if something does go wrong it would put them on the spot for having to comfort you. Some people are comfortable doing that, others -not so much.

I say this as someone who has lost multiple pregnancies. When people tell me early on, I naturally inwardly cringe. That first trimester is just really uncertain. And you might also find that if you have been at this for awhile, you and your husband might want some time where just the two of you know -if you have been through a lot to get to this point, it can be a weird adjustment to go from being an infertile to an expectant mom.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm a pretty open person and did share with close friends a couple of coworkers that I was undergoing IVF. My first cycle was unsuccessful and I learned that time not to tell as many people. I had not been broadcasting it, but still. For my successful second cycle sevearl months later, I did not tell anyone else besides my parents that I was pregnant until we saw a heartbeat on u/s. At that point, my RE and OB feel that the chance of miscarriage is about the same as at the end of the first trimester. I told close friends and family after the heartbeat u/s. I told acquaintances, my boss, etc. at the beginning of the second trimester.

[Anonymous]

i told my immediate family (both sets of parents & my sister), my cousin and her parents, and a handful of my friends about our fertility treatments for 2 years. we finally got pregnant this time and we told all of the people above except my cousin.

it's sort of weird b/c on the one hand it was way less stressful in that everyone knew what was going on, but now i am feeling very crowded already. so many questions, everyone wants updates about every appointment (it's twins), and it's a little much for me. but it's my fault for keeping everyone in the loop....and they mean well and are asking b/c they care. but it is a lot of pressure.

we're 9 weeks, so we're going to tell the rest of our families over christmas...but waiting to tell everyone (dh's work, and extended friends/family) until 13 or 14 weeks....

oh i don't work right now, but if i did - probably wouldn't tell them at all.

good luck and congrats!