question for trans folks - what are the best ways friends reacted seeing you the first time?

[Anonymous]

We have a friend who just came out as trans. She has a new name, and is now presenting as a woman. We are very happy for her that she is ready to be herself in the world.

We haven't seen her since she transitioned. (It's still very new.) I don't expect there to be any issues at all - with us; we are just happy for her - but this is new for us, too. She will be our first friend we've gotten to know as a man, who has transitioned to a woman.

So: Just wondering what are the best things friends did when they saw you for the first time after transitioning. Did you prefer they act like you'd been a woman all along? Did you want them to ask questions? What was the most supportive, and easiest, and nicest way for friends to act after you'd transitioned? Was it nice if they commented on your appearance, or didn't comment on your appearance? Like what made you feel good and supported, and what would you prefer people not do?

I would say we aren't close enough that we can get really personal - without an invitation - but we are friends who go out to dinner every once in a while, and expect to stay that way.

Thank you so much for any insight

[Anonymous]

I’m not trans but my son is trans. For him (and a lot of trans people) there’s some level of discomfort that comes with talking about his body or appearance. He likes compliments but he feels uncomfortable receiving them. It’s tricky to navigate. He’s working on understanding that it’s his hang up and to accept graciously. But he definitely appreciates when people notice if he appears more masculine over time or puts more effort into his appearance.

For DS, quick, moderately specific compliments are easier to take. I really like your hair cut. You look like you’ve been working out. Your shoes are cool.

Lavish compliments or trans specific compliments, compliments are harder for him to take. Trans specific compliments are just rude. You look a lot like a guy today isn’t cool. Laying it on too thick makes him think people are overcompensating and that they might not really be supportive.

Of course he is just one person. You know your friend and if she likes to have praise heaped on or if she’s more of a wallflower. It’s great that you’re being supportive of her. I think don’t make a big deal out of it and act like this is already your new normal. Say she looks great and give compliments but don’t act surprised that she has feminine characteristics or go overboard. Also, be careful reminiscing, especially about love interests or particularly male memories. The past isn’t erased, but it might be uncomfortable for her to be reminded of bachelor parties or that time in the locker room or how she was a ladies man in college.

She might offer to answer any questions you have. She knows people have questions. Or she might be tired of answering questions and want to avoid that. You can always preface your questions with something like, “I’m curious about a few things related to your transition. If you feel comfortable, may I ask what it was like? Please let me know if I ask anything too personal.” It’s tricky because it’s probably the biggest, most life changing experience she has had. She probably needs to talk about it with trusted friends. At the same time, it’s a very public process, and she probably gets tired of conversations revolving around her transition. Follow her lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trans but my son is trans. For him (and a lot of trans people) there’s some level of discomfort that comes with talking about his body or appearance. He likes compliments but he feels uncomfortable receiving them. It’s tricky to navigate. He’s working on understanding that it’s his hang up and to accept graciously. But he definitely appreciates when people notice if he appears more masculine over time or puts more effort into his appearance.

For DS, quick, moderately specific compliments are easier to take. I really like your hair cut. You look like you’ve been working out. Your shoes are cool.

Lavish compliments or trans specific compliments, compliments are harder for him to take. Trans specific compliments are just rude. You look a lot like a guy today isn’t cool. Laying it on too thick makes him think people are overcompensating and that they might not really be supportive.

Of course he is just one person. You know your friend and if she likes to have praise heaped on or if she’s more of a wallflower. It’s great that you’re being supportive of her. I think don’t make a big deal out of it and act like this is already your new normal. Say she looks great and give compliments but don’t act surprised that she has feminine characteristics or go overboard. Also, be careful reminiscing, especially about love interests or particularly male memories. The past isn’t erased, but it might be uncomfortable for her to be reminded of bachelor parties or that time in the locker room or how she was a ladies man in college.

She might offer to answer any questions you have. She knows people have questions. Or she might be tired of answering questions and want to avoid that. You can always preface your questions with something like, “I’m curious about a few things related to your transition. If you feel comfortable, may I ask what it was like? Please let me know if I ask anything too personal.” It’s tricky because it’s probably the biggest, most life changing experience she has had. She probably needs to talk about it with trusted friends. At the same time, it’s a very public process, and she probably gets tired of conversations revolving around her transition. Follow her lead.

This is OP - thank you so much for this response! It is very helpful (and largely comports with my instincts, so phew.)

And I hope you don't mind my gushing but you sound like a wonderful parent to a trans kid. Does my heart good to hear. (I hope that amount of effusiveness isn't uncomfortable!!)

[Anonymous]

Lovely response from a parent.
I have a niece and struggle with how to talk about the last with her and her parents. Also, I keep messing up the pronouns in my head. (Recent transition. And we live far and have not been together).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trans but my son is trans. For him (and a lot of trans people) there’s some level of discomfort that comes with talking about his body or appearance. He likes compliments but he feels uncomfortable receiving them. It’s tricky to navigate. He’s working on understanding that it’s his hang up and to accept graciously. But he definitely appreciates when people notice if he appears more masculine over time or puts more effort into his appearance.

For DS, quick, moderately specific compliments are easier to take. I really like your hair cut. You look like you’ve been working out. Your shoes are cool.

Lavish compliments or trans specific compliments, compliments are harder for him to take. Trans specific compliments are just rude. You look a lot like a guy today isn’t cool. Laying it on too thick makes him think people are overcompensating and that they might not really be supportive.

Of course he is just one person. You know your friend and if she likes to have praise heaped on or if she’s more of a wallflower. It’s great that you’re being supportive of her. I think don’t make a big deal out of it and act like this is already your new normal. Say she looks great and give compliments but don’t act surprised that she has feminine characteristics or go overboard. Also, be careful reminiscing, especially about love interests or particularly male memories. The past isn’t erased, but it might be uncomfortable for her to be reminded of bachelor parties or that time in the locker room or how she was a ladies man in college.

She might offer to answer any questions you have. She knows people have questions. Or she might be tired of answering questions and want to avoid that. You can always preface your questions with something like, “I’m curious about a few things related to your transition. If you feel comfortable, may I ask what it was like? Please let me know if I ask anything too personal.” It’s tricky because it’s probably the biggest, most life changing experience she has had. She probably needs to talk about it with trusted friends. At the same time, it’s a very public process, and she probably gets tired of conversations revolving around her transition. Follow her lead.

+1

Also a parent of a trans female teen. Like PP, she has the same level of discomfort. But she does seem to appreciate when people compliment her on her pretty clothes.

[Anonymous]

I would focus on how happy she seems, and how much it warms your heart to see her beautiful smile.

And then I would go find 14:12 and key his/her/their car.

[Anonymous]

They all ran away like cowards.

[Anonymous]

10:45 here. Thanks for the kind words. It means a lot. It’s hard sometimes when people we care about transition. We want what’s best for them, but sometimes we get so caught up in the pronouns and the process, we forget to just be friends or family. They’re still the same person, just (hopefully) happier and more comfortable now that they’re able to be themselves.

13:33, the best way to get over the pronoun transition is to familiarize yourself with the new her. Try to spend time with her soon if you’re able. When you see her in women’s clothes sounding feminine, and presenting as female, it becomes hard to say he. When DS transitioned, his grandma who lives far away was supportive but would get stuck on pronouns, then get flustered when she realized she made a mistake, and the correction and accompanying apology was painful. When she finally got to spend time with him, that all went away. She could see he looked and acted more like a boy, and if she met him on the street she wouldn’t automatically say she/her.

That reminds me, if you do mess up pronouns, don’t make a big deal about it. It just draws attention to the fact that you’re having trouble with the transition, even if it’s just the language adjustment. If you accidentally say he, just say “excuse me, she” or something quick to swap to the right gender. If you realize you said the wrong pronoun a few sentences back, don’t go back and correct it.

When we discuss the past, we use his preferred pronoun and name. It’s just easier. At first we would use biological gender, but it felt awkward. If we were around someone who didn’t know us well, we’d have to explain we have a trans son, which is why we say Larla for past and Larlo for present. One day my sister jokingly said, after using female pronouns to refer to a past incident about DS, “well I guess it’s ok to say she and Larla because she was a girl back then.” And it hit me that DS didn’t feel like a girl back then either, and he would definitely not agree with that statement. That’s what gave me clarity and let me sort of give myself permission to let go of trying to use the pronoun or name that was used at the time. It’s better, for us at least, to honor DS and his privacy and basically treat the past like he’s been a boy all along.

[Anonymous]

“For the love of God man... You’ve certainly changed!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“For the love of God man... You’ve certainly changed!”

Lol. Or say, “something about you seems different. Did you get contacts?”

My DS would think that’s funny from a close friend.

[Anonymous]

My sibling is trans. I just treat her like a regular person. We still talk about the same stuff as before. Why would you even need to address the new appearance other than to say “you look nice today”.

Deep down my sibling is still the annoying little kid that bugged me, is still super messy, very kind, loves video games, and silly, whether it was my brother (before) or sister (now). I am not sure why people feel awkward or need to address anything. Bringing attention to it just puts my sister on the defensive and it is totally unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

The husband of my close friend transitioned (MTF). When I saw them for the first time, I just said “You look amazing!” ( and they did; so much more relaxed and happy), and then didn’t ask any questions about it unless they introduced the topic first.

I kept screwing up their new name at first, but they didn’t much care, and a few months later, their new appearance doesn’t really register as “new.” All pretty seamless.

[Anonymous]

I love this thread and the wonderful advice and thoughtfulness. DC is trans and I hope he is surrounded by people like you as he publicly transitions. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Damn you’re ugly, but I still love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this thread and the wonderful advice and thoughtfulness. DC is trans and I hope he is surrounded by people like you as he publicly transitions. Thank you.

He’ll find his people. It just takes time. You sound like a caring parent. He’s lucky to have you.