Parents with kids at schools (relatively) far from home: tell me about your kid's social life

[Anonymous]

We are considering several schools for DD for kindergarten. They range from a 10-30 min drive from our house. I can see good reasons to send her to any of these schools, though my concern about the schools farther away is that it'll be harder on her socially. I assume most of the kids will be coming from the more immediate area. I don't want her to feel left out of the loop.

Can anyone with a kid who goes to a school that isn't in their immediate area comment on this?

[Anonymous]

You clearly don't live in a city.

I live in SF where there is a lottery system. The school DD got placed at was 50-60 minutes away by train. We live on the East side of the city, the school is in the middle. DD made friends from all areas of the city. Often after school she would go to a nearby park to play with friends and get a snack at a nearby cafe. You learn who's on your train line and where they live. DD got invited to birthday parties where we had to plan an hour and a half on the train+ walking to get there. It's fine. Not ideal, but fine. You deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You clearly don't live in a city.

I live in SF where there is a lottery system. The school DD got placed at was 50-60 minutes away by train. We live on the East side of the city, the school is in the middle. DD made friends from all areas of the city. Often after school she would go to a nearby park to play with friends and get a snack at a nearby cafe. You learn who's on your train line and where they live. DD got invited to birthday parties where we had to plan an hour and a half on the train+ walking to get there. It's fine. Not ideal, but fine. You deal with it.

I grew up in NYC. However, it was typical there and part of the culture. I'm concerned about what it would be like in the suburbs, where that isn't the culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You clearly don't live in a city.

I live in SF where there is a lottery system. The school DD got placed at was 50-60 minutes away by train. We live on the East side of the city, the school is in the middle. DD made friends from all areas of the city. Often after school she would go to a nearby park to play with friends and get a snack at a nearby cafe. You learn who's on your train line and where they live. DD got invited to birthday parties where we had to plan an hour and a half on the train+ walking to get there. It's fine. Not ideal, but fine. You deal with it.

I grew up in NYC. However, it was typical there and part of the culture. I'm concerned about what it would be like in the suburbs, where that isn't the culture.

I grew up in the suburbs and in high school, went to a school outside my district. I had "neighborhood friends" and "school friends". Again, it wasn't a big deal. I worked part-time in my neighborhood and had been in local plays, etc. So I had friends who lived within 5-10 minutes. And then I had friends who lived up to an hour away.

[Anonymous]

10-30 minutes is fine. An hour or so could be an issue. My son has a neighborhood friend who goes to school an hour away, and the friend does not seem to have many friends that he sees regularly except DS - and the friend is a nice, sporty boy who seems like he should easily make friends.

[Anonymous]

We're doing that now, but my DDs are in Middle School. We live in VA and they go to school in MD. We make it work - I do a lot of driving back and forth. With most of their friends in MD, no one ever wants to come VA for anything. There's not much that's spontaneous. When they were at our neighborhood school for Elementary there were lots of impromptu playdates after school. I'm glad we had that proximity when they were younger. You can definitely make it work, but get ready to do a lot of driving!

[Anonymous]

I think the burden falls mainly to the driver/parent at that age. It’s nice to be able to pop by for a parent event, stay late on the playground, volunteer in the class. You’re more likely to do it if closer.

[Anonymous]

They get left out of impromptu things. Probably suffered a bit socially. Wasn’t a big deal but it happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You clearly don't live in a city.

I live in SF where there is a lottery system. The school DD got placed at was 50-60 minutes away by train. We live on the East side of the city, the school is in the middle. DD made friends from all areas of the city. Often after school she would go to a nearby park to play with friends and get a snack at a nearby cafe. You learn who's on your train line and where they live. DD got invited to birthday parties where we had to plan an hour and a half on the train+ walking to get there. It's fine. Not ideal, but fine. You deal with it.

This is reason number 4573023 that no one in their right mind would live in San Francisco.

BTW, how are your power outages?

[Anonymous]

OP, it's fine if you accept the fact that you will be doing most of the driving, and only very rarely will kids go to your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You clearly don't live in a city.

I live in SF where there is a lottery system. The school DD got placed at was 50-60 minutes away by train. We live on the East side of the city, the school is in the middle. DD made friends from all areas of the city. Often after school she would go to a nearby park to play with friends and get a snack at a nearby cafe. You learn who's on your train line and where they live. DD got invited to birthday parties where we had to plan an hour and a half on the train+ walking to get there. It's fine. Not ideal, but fine. You deal with it.

I think you're underestimating the difference between the dynamic at a school where everyone's spread out vs. most people are clustered in one area and a few are scattered elsewhere.

However, in OP's case, I don't think a 30 min commute will be that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

We did one 30 minutes and socially was tuff as everyone was spread out and most didn't want to drive distances for things like parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did one 30 minutes and socially was tuff as everyone was spread out and most didn't want to drive distances for things like parties.

But if everyone was spread out then it wasn't just an issue for your kid, right?

[Anonymous]

We live 30 minutes from our private school. Not once have either of my kids been invited to a playdate, nor have I asked their classmates to our house. It's too far for parents to drive and drop off, then return later. I would say they have no social life outside of school. We supplement with extracurricular activities that take place near our neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're doing that now, but my DDs are in Middle School. We live in VA and they go to school in MD. We make it work - I do a lot of driving back and forth. With most of their friends in MD, no one ever wants to come VA for anything. There's not much that's spontaneous. When they were at our neighborhood school for Elementary there were lots of impromptu playdates after school. I'm glad we had that proximity when they were younger. You can definitely make it work, but get ready to do a lot of driving!

This is us. I have had parents say “we tell our kids not to make friends with VA kids”. It’s a joke but there’s a grain of truth-but the kids befriend who they want and don’t care about geography. As a VA parent in a MD school, I feel like the burden is on me to make it easier for them to have play dates/hang out time so I will offer to do some of the driving. Get a car you like