Scaling back sleepovers during the school year?

[Anonymous]

Without causing resentment? During the summer, my parents get spoiled by more free access to their only grandchild, our son. They usually take him once a month for a weekend in the summer months. We are blessed and it’s wonderful for DS. However, it’s no feasible during the school year, as we found out last year. We were allowing it intermittently, but we paid for it in tiredness for days afterwards, and I’ve decided to put a stop to it this year. Summer and long school breaks only. Problem is, I haven’t figured out a way to present it to my parents, because I know they will be upset and take it personally, or feel like we are keeping him from them. Of course, we will and have been planning regular visits. But how would you approach the sleepovers? DH isn’t on the same page because he appreciates what is essentially the free babysitting, but he’s not the one to get up with DS on Monday when he has been having crazy fun long days Friday and Saturday and no really good night sleep all weekend.

[Anonymous]

"Sorry, we can't let DS do sleepovers unless he's on a school break. It doesn't work for his sleep schedule. Let's get something on the calendar now for Thanksgiving time."

[Anonymous]

This is advice is said a million times but it's true - you can't prevent people from being upset. All you can do is make the best decision you can, deliver the news kindly and lovingly, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Is there a way to talk to your parents about some tighter rules during the school year. "We really need Max to get his 10 hours of sleep even on the weekends because he's a disaster on Monday if he's tired, Thanks for helping...". I get that DH likes the break, I would have loved having that with my kids.

[Anonymous]

There are so many school breaks. I wouldn’t even say anything about it. If they ask for a not break time, just say that doesn’t work for us and suggest an alternate.

Parents: We love to have Jimmy stay for the weekend of October 4th.
You: That doesn’t work for us. How about the following weekend? You can pick him up from school on Friday and we will meet you at church on Sunday and take him home from there. (The following weekend is Columbus Day weekend - so you can put him to bed ridiculously early on Sunday and have Monday to reset if need be).

In November there is Veterans Day and Thanksgiving, Christmas in December, several long weekends in Jan and Feb, etc. Scope out the teacher workdays and pick a couple of those if you want to hold back some holiday time.

[Anonymous]

How old is DS?

Are your parents nearby? Could he spend Friday night only with them? Then he’d only have poor sleep one night, and he’d have a night to recover. Friday is better than Saturday because he sounds like he needs that night to recover.

If he’s old and mature enough to shoulder some of the responsibility, you could even explain to him and your parents that how often he has sleepovers will vary based on his behavior. If he’s rude or misbehaves after coming home from grandma and grandpa’s house, you’ll have to assume it’s from lack of sleep and limit sleepovers to long breaks and summer. If he gets more sleep and it doesn’t affect his behavior, he can do occasional (preferably single) overnight visits on weekends.

I would deal with a somewhat crabby kid on a Saturday morning once every month or two if it makes the rest of the family happy. I wouldn’t deal with a rude, misbehaving, grouchy kid on Monday mornings, which sets a bad tone for the rest of the week, unless I were a masochist. Nobody needs that nonsense.

[Anonymous]

How old is he and how far away are they? I would let him do a one night sleepover. My kid is 7 and had a sleepover with a friend on Sat. She was a bit tired on Sunday but not terrible. Was in bed at 7pm Sun night and was totally fine for school Monday.

[Anonymous]

Let's call it what it is--free child care when you want/need it, otherwise, "it's too stressful or he gets too tired, etc.". Are they making him plow the back 49 or do all their yard work. You are just being controlling as there are many, many long weekend holidays as well as school closing for teacher meetings, etc.

[Anonymous]

I agree w/ a pp - I'd use 3 day weekends to get around this. Allow a friday and Saturday night sleepover when your child has Monday off. Or allow just one night overnight.

I agree w/ you about managing sleep (I'm the dictator on that in our house also) and I agree w/ taking advantage of grandparent babysitting. I don't think they have to be mutually exclusive if you plan around the school calendar. Maybe slightly more limited than during the summer but not much.

Eventually your child will start having weekend activities and invites from friends that make all of this less feasible anyway so take advantage of it while you can!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree w/ a pp - I'd use 3 day weekends to get around this. Allow a friday and Saturday night sleepover when your child has Monday off. Or allow just one night overnight.

I agree w/ you about managing sleep (I'm the dictator on that in our house also) and I agree w/ taking advantage of grandparent babysitting. I don't think they have to be mutually exclusive if you plan around the school calendar. Maybe slightly more limited than during the summer but not much.

Eventually your child will start having weekend activities and invites from friends that make all of this less feasible anyway so take advantage of it while you can!

The key phrase is "taking advantage of grandparents".

[Anonymous]

If your kid has friends or plays sports then these weekends will evaporate soon. My kid had a game every weekend in elementary school and usually at least one or two birthday party or play activity scheduled. Once the birthday parties and play activities turn into sleep overs then those days that could work for the grandparents would end anyway.

They need to realize that the school year is completely different than summer. People without kids do not understand how busy kids are during the school year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid has friends or plays sports then these weekends will evaporate soon. My kid had a game every weekend in elementary school and usually at least one or two birthday party or play activity scheduled. Once the birthday parties and play activities turn into sleep overs then those days that could work for the grandparents would end anyway.

They need to realize that the school year is completely different than summer. People without kids do not understand how busy kids are during the school year.

Different from not different than!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kid has friends or plays sports then these weekends will evaporate soon. My kid had a game every weekend in elementary school and usually at least one or two birthday party or play activity scheduled. Once the birthday parties and play activities turn into sleep overs then those days that could work for the grandparents would end anyway.

They need to realize that the school year is completely different than summer. People without kids do not understand how busy kids are during the school year.

+1. Do they live close by? Ask them if they would be willing to spend time with him during the day on teacher workdays and snow days instead of the monthly sleepovers. We have games and/or activities almost every weekend. A weekend away is hard during the school year because they don’t want to miss out. We try to plan school year grandparent visits over holidays and between sport seasons since they are not local.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is advice is said a million times but it's true - you can't prevent people from being upset. All you can do is make the best decision you can, deliver the news kindly and lovingly, and move on.

+1
But he shouldn’t be coming home so exhausted. They need to spoil him less. Not doing him any favors right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree w/ a pp - I'd use 3 day weekends to get around this. Allow a friday and Saturday night sleepover when your child has Monday off. Or allow just one night overnight.

I agree w/ you about managing sleep (I'm the dictator on that in our house also) and I agree w/ taking advantage of grandparent babysitting. I don't think they have to be mutually exclusive if you plan around the school calendar. Maybe slightly more limited than during the summer but not much.

Eventually your child will start having weekend activities and invites from friends that make all of this less feasible anyway so take advantage of it while you can!

The key phrase is "taking advantage of grandparents".

But PP used the phrase “taking advantage of grandparent babysitting,” which is not the same thing as taking advantage of grandparents. And grandparents aren’t entitled to sleepovers (as the poster who called OP “controlling” seemed to assume).