inappropriate emotions??

[Anonymous]

My son is ten. At school, he has often been said to be compassionate - if another kid is having trouble he wants to help them. Most people think of him as sweet natured - very good with younger kids, etc. HOWEVER, I feel like he has some kind of problem relating to more abstract issues that demand compassion. For example, last night we heard of a terrible accident that occurred to some neighbors. My son was just totally unmoved by the whole thing; in fact, he was laughing. He also seems to have very little compassion for people who are homeless even for homeless children whom we see when we travel fairly frequently to a developing country.

I don't know what to think about this.

Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I have read that it is very important to develop empathy in children- this sounds like the quality that he is struggling with.

We are working on this with DD- she is an only child and I think could have more empathy. Some things we have done are involve her in more volunteer activities to connect her more to the idea that we are not the only people in the world.

We will be doing a gift wrap for the less fortunate this season. Just one idea. But I think this is really a year-round thing, not just a holiday season effort.

[Anonymous]

OP here - all his life, he has been involved in a variety of service activities at school, church, and with our neighborhood association. He enjoys group activities like making sandwiches for homeless people, etc. He is very good at comforting a friend who is crying or adjusting the rules of a game for a younger child. However, when he sees homeless people or when he hears about a tragic fire or auto accident that involves people we know at least peripherally, he just seems totally unable to relate or express appropriate emotions. Maybe this is normal - as he gets older he will be able to be empathetic in more abstract situations. It bothers me though.

[Anonymous]

He's rather young, and it can be a rather abstract concept. Also, it may be his way of dealing with it. I thought at one point my DS was that way, but then I began to realize that things bothered him TOO much--he used humor or a blase' appearing attitude to shut down and not let things affect him, much in the same way that police/paramedics/ER docs sometimes use gallows humor. Talk to him about it, see if that might be the case, or if it is in fact a bit too distant for him. Then perhaps try the "how would you feel if this were you/your brother/best friend" type of thing. We learn empathy by inserting ourselves or loved ones into situtations. Distance and abstractions have less impact--that's why it's also easier to kill wtih a gun than a knife, easier to bomb than to shoot.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP - that may be it - it is too hard to think about - my son has actually had some painful things occur in his life - and maybe it is just too hard to think about tragedies.

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal but I think you can coach him here, ask him to imagine what it must feel like to be homeless or to be in a terrible accident. Get him to think it through personally, explain how easy is it be homeless, so many people are several paychecks away from losing their homes. Also, do you know Street Sense, the newspaper published by homeless folks? If he likes soccer, take him to the Street Soccer games next summer. It's a program for homeless men, they play soccer, like Street Sense, it helps them turn their lives around. He sounds compassionate when it's direct but can't comprehend things on a more abstract level. He will get there!

[Anonymous]

empathy is learned. A child should show empathy for others when they are young like in their preschool years. If a child is not taught empathy when they are young it is hard for them to understand it later in age. Why many professionals will tell you not to make a child appologize for things you know they are not sorry for. It teaches them to lie really well.

At 10 he should have empathy but I wonder if his laughter is really nervousness about an incident. I have worked with children who had some behavior issues and often when they did feel sorry they would laugh but not the same laugh they would do when they saw something funny or were tickled. It was a nervous laugh.

Your son maybe use to homeless people so he shows no out right empathy in his face or his behavior. Have you sat down with him and talked to him about what it would be like to be homeless.

Also if you or other adults make comments about homeless people being lazy or deadbeats around him he may not care for homeless. I often hear these comments from parents then they want to know why their kids are so cruel.

[Anonymous]

His laughter could be a nervous reaction!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His laughter could be a nervous reaction!

Yeah, I don't think it's inappropriate. Humans also deal with tragedy by using humor. It can sound horrible, but when something is so overwhelmingly bad, humor often helps. I'd just keep communication open and see where it goes.