How do you handle bickering siblings

[Anonymous]

My 7 and 5-year-old bicker all of the time. Picking at each other and ignoring when the other talks (if Larla asks to pass the butter, Larlo will ignore her). The 5-year-old usually ends up in tears.
I feel like nothing I try ever works. I have tried books, positive reinforcement the only thing we haven't really done is punish other than a short time out.
Should I just ignore all of this? It is making weekends feel like a punishment for us to have to listen to it non stop.

[Anonymous]

Many people will say to ignore, but I think that's not fair if there is a power differential that one sibling knows how to exploit at the expense of the other.

I have decreed that in our family we do not ignore one another (assuming the other sibling is being polite). I have also decreed that one person is not allowed to purposefully and repeatedly annoy another person. Anyone doing that will get a consequence, but not a huge deal, just enough to get past that rocky stage.


If you see it coming you can try to head it off by intervening indirectly to try to change the dynamic. If I see them starting to get on each others nerves, then i might ask one to help me with the dishwasher or I might decide it's reading time, or hey, let's take a walk. Also, humor helps sometimes if you can catch them early enough. Sometimes I'll playfully threaten -- If you guys keep going like this, I'm going to make you give each other a great big hug and kiss! Sometimes I'll get pissed off and tell them they must separate for 20 minutes (despite the bickering, this seems to be a fate worse than death).

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tolerate blatant rudeness, like ignoring someone at the dinner table. But I'd also help them navigate how to ask for space and help enforce that they get it when requested.

Sometimes siblings can feel suffocating, and everyone needs a break from each other. But we still aren't allowed to be rude to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many people will say to ignore, but I think that's not fair if there is a power differential that one sibling knows how to exploit at the expense of the other.

I have decreed that in our family we do not ignore one another (assuming the other sibling is being polite). I have also decreed that one person is not allowed to purposefully and repeatedly annoy another person. Anyone doing that will get a consequence, but not a huge deal, just enough to get past that rocky stage.


If you see it coming you can try to head it off by intervening indirectly to try to change the dynamic. If I see them starting to get on each others nerves, then i might ask one to help me with the dishwasher or I might decide it's reading time, or hey, let's take a walk. Also, humor helps sometimes if you can catch them early enough. Sometimes I'll playfully threaten -- If you guys keep going like this, I'm going to make you give each other a great big hug and kiss! Sometimes I'll get pissed off and tell them they must separate for 20 minutes (despite the bickering, this seems to be a fate worse than death).

Me again, another thing that can help is making them do a quick burst of something active, even jumping jacks for 3 minutes (you do it, too). Reading this, I see my theme is just trying to jump in and break the dynamic before it really gets going.

[Anonymous]

Same with others - rude and disrespectful behavior isn’t tolerated and the offender goes to their room immediately for as long as it takes them to find their manners (at least 3 minutes, but after that they determine the length).

If they are equally annoying each other, I tell them to go to separate areas of the house to find so quiet space until they can play together or simply get along m/ignore the other one.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
We have tried separating them, offering and doing 1:1 activities with each of them (preplanned, not as a reward) but then the second they are together again it is just not stopped.
Larla might say "I like that blue pillow". Larlo says "its not blue its tourqois". I state that is a form of blue. He says "she is still wrong" and she ends up in tears.
Larlo will have Larla play Legos but then she will honestly accidentally break something (because 5) and he will yell and scream at her.
Larlo will be watching a movie in the family room and larla will bring on 10,000 toys and play in there annoying him (despite having 4 other bedrooms, a living room, playroom,a basement and an entire yard to play in).

It just never ever ends. If one says white the other demands black. It is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

These seem like different situations, calling for different reactions.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
We have tried separating them, offering and doing 1:1 activities with each of them (preplanned, not as a reward) but then the second they are together again it is just not stopped.
Larla might say "I like that blue pillow". Larlo says "its not blue its tourqois". I state that is a form of blue. He says "she is still wrong" and she ends up in tears. I would say: Larla, it is fine that he doesn't think it's blue, that's just his opinion and you get to have your own opinion.
Larlo will have Larla play Legos but then she will honestly accidentally break something (because 5) and he will yell and scream at her. When they start playing, I would say: Larlo, you remember that Larla broke the lego thing last time. If you guys are playing this together, i do not want to hear one word if something gets broken. If you complain, I'm going to send you to your room for a while.
Larlo will be watching a movie in the family room and larla will bring on 10,000 toys and play in there annoying him (despite having 4 other bedrooms, a living room, playroom,a basement and an entire yard to play in). It's the family room, everyone gets to play in the family room.

It just never ever ends. If one says white the other demands black. It is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Smack them!

[Anonymous]

Leave and go work it out. You have 60 seconds. If you don’t both come back with a fair solution, youlll both be punished.

[Anonymous]

“It doesn’t matter if you disagree about the color, but as a matter of fact turquoise is a shade of blue. If you can’t stop
Bickering I’m going to send you outside.”

“Sometimes littler kids break things by accident. You can rebuild it.”

“Larlo, you’re distracting your sister. Play more quietly or you can go play in your room.”

[Anonymous]

We send our older two (5 & 3, so a bit younger) into a joint timeout after 1 warning with the rule that they can't come out until they have together worked out a solution and all crying and/or yelling has stopped. If they come out prematurely they get a joint 5 minute timeout + the same rule afterwards. In the beginning, there was lots of returning to the room repeatedly. They still get sent sometimes, but now they almost always come out fairly agreeable and often teamed us up against us. Occasionally, they start playing in their room and forget to come out.

[Anonymous]

My kids say unkind things to one another. I’ve let them know one unkind comment requires saying five nice things to the other kid.(true for relationships). That can be hard work to come with 5 things and it interrupts the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

For the legos, I validate feelings whole re directing response. “It’s so hard to see that broken when you worked so hard! She didn’t mean to break it. And even if she did, you can’t talk to her like that for any reason because we use kind words in this family.”

[Anonymous]

OP again,
We do approach each situation differently and i guess that may have been my overall question. It is like we are just puting out small fire after small fire.
The larger question is do we just ignore them all and let them figure it all out (if no one is injured etc) OR should we keep stepping in trying to difuse the situation before it starts or once it has? It just seems so useless since even teachable moments and tears by both result in ZERO change in behavior ever

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if there’s really a “big fix,” OP. I think a lot of parenting in general is putting out small fires.
If my kids are fighting & they’ve already been warned to stop. I tell them they can figure out how to get along, or go to their separate rooms and clean.
Or, if one is being mean to the other repeatedly, I might give the “victim” attention and ignore the one who is being mean. In calmer times, we talk about the good times they’ve had together, and I do praise them if they are playing well together for a stretch.
Good luck.