FB can be like high school

[Anonymous]

Ok, I'm just floored. I wrote a comment on a friend's photo, "xxx looks so beautiful." Then a Friend of my Friend comments, "xxx ALWAYS LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL!"

I felt really bad. Of course xxx is always beautiful... I felt like this person was trying to create an issue where an issue does not exist. Is this high school all over again (ie. the mean girls)?

[Anonymous]

Maybe a bit.

But if you don't let it bother you, it won't feel so much like high school. just makes the other person look a little immature if they were trying to upstage you or make themselves seem better.

But the fact you're letting it bother you to me indicates you're feeding into that feeling yourself- so it's you as well as them. You should be self confident enough by now to let it slide by, especially when it's not a direct snark against you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your input.

You are really perceptive. I do struggle with self confidence in this way and give too much weight to others' reactions and what they think of me.

Question for you, how do you just blow things off and not let them get to you? In hs, I just didn't engage. Didn't put myself out there, just retreated into my studies. This defense mechanism does not lend to a happy enriching life (but did get me into an ivy league). What's happy about becoming isolated?

[Anonymous]

PP here:

It's because I struggle(d) with the same thing.

For me, what helps, is a little cognitive behavioral therapy on myself. Basically, when I start down that negative thought process that ends in behavior that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy...I try to nip it in the bud and change the process.

In your case here....

Are you sure the person's comment made you look bad? I don't actually think so. It COULD be perceived that way, sure. But it could also be perceived as support for your comment. You said she looks beautiful, somebody else said she always does...that person may have merely been letting out a little envy in a polite socially acceptable way- not trying to be mean. She may also have meant her comment as support for yours. She may simply not have been thinking of you at ALL even though her comment played off of yours- it may've been for the benefit of the person whose photo you were both commenting on! The fact you took it as a snark against your comment makes it appear that you lack self confidence, and that her comment somehow made yours inferior/less kind/etc in your view. I don't see that it did in reality. The trick is to make yourself realize that it didn't, and since it didn't, you don't need to stop commenting or being friendly out of fear of mean girls(who may not be being mean!)- you just need to continue to be yourself. And if the person really was just being mean- don't you think others would be smart enough to notice that as well? Thus they still wouldn't think badly of you!

Do you really believe this person went out of their way to make you feel bad about not using the word always? Do you think the person reading these comments about herself is going to think you think she's ugly the other times?! or is that person maybe smart enough to see you were particularly taken by a certain photo? That may actually give your comment MORE weight than the person who exclaimed she always looks beautiful. I mean let's get real, NONE of us ALWAYS look beautiful!

And if the person you're referring to really is nasty enough to say this purely to make you feel bad...is that someone you really consider a friend? Why would you care what someone so nasty thinks about you? Do you even think they'd have the ability to view you fairly/accurately? I don't. So really...that being the case...their opinion of you should hold no weight. It shouldn't stop you from being you and commenting as you normally would. It shouldn't make you retreat into the shadows because YOUR perception of someone's response/comment made you feel bad/embarrassed/etc. Your perception is not the only one out there, and honestly, for most people, I doubt it was the prevailing perception of the comment string. Even with the mean girls out there...we are ALWAYS our own worst enemies when it comes to things like this and our perception of things can often be more negatively slanted against ourselves than anyone else would view it.

ps. please ignore any typos or the many run-on sentences I'm sure this contains. It's late and I've turned off my need to edit closely for the evening!

[Anonymous]

OP -- the second person's comment (wiith the ALWAYS) doesn't come across to me as snarky or mean or a put down of your comment at all.

[Anonymous]

sounds like your friend was just trying to kiss ass to her beautiful friend.

[Anonymous]

OP - regardless of the person's intentions, your comment - "XX looks so beautiful" can hardly be taken the wrong way. If anyone looks silly it is the poster who said "always" - it does make her look like either a kiss-ass or trying to one up you. So I wouldn't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, there was a reason we all lost touch with each other after high school. Now that we've all reconnected on FB, it seems like high school all over again.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the friend of friend's comment was necessarily meant to be mean.

[Anonymous]

When I think I'm getting a little too wrapped up in worrying about something, I say to myself, "how will this affect me in ten years?". Most of things I am worrying about will probably be forgotten in ten years, but if it's something that realistically will affect me in ten years, then at least I know it's worthy of worry. There is nothing going on on FB that will affect ANYONE in ten years (unless it has something to do with your MIL-tee hee).

[Anonymous]

FB really has a way of having people fawn over you. It seems you can only practice the utmost congeniality or nothing at all. Kind of a shame. But on the other hand, nice to hear on a bad day.

My favorite is the so called friends who try to post not so flattering pics of someone else - "unfriend" immediately!!

[Anonymous]

FB is VERY high school. On the other hand, I've made connections with a couple of people that I'm so happy to hear from. It's a double edged sword. Yeh, I think the ALWAYS poster was trying to be a bitch, in her own little subtle way that will not be perceived as bitchy by the person being commented about. Still, it's her problem so don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

There is so much about FB that is so high school. I find you have to ignore it, or stay off of FB altogether. I mean, why log in so you can end up feeling bad, slighted, insulted, etc.

My onw problem with FB (and this is also totally high school) - is that whenever I see that any friends have gotten together, I immediately feel bad that I wasn't invited. But in reality, of course I don't expect every time two or three friends get together, they should invite me. However, when I see on FB that they were together, I have this perception of everyone having a grand old time together and I'm sitting home. Like not being part of the "in" crowd.

My other problem is that my SIL posts new pictures of my 2-yr old niece almost daily, and 15 of her friends immediately comment "Oh, she's so [precious, adorable, gorgeous, etc.]" I mean, fine, share cute pictures of your kid, but this is nauseating. Every day there's a new picture and a dozen comments that all say the same thing.

I also have a friend who does this with pictures of HERSELF - to show off her new bag, new haircut, new outfit, etc. - so she can collect more "you look so beautiful!" comments. She also does with pictures of her "stuff" - a new sofa, a pie she just baked, etc. - always a string of comments about how wonderful said object is.

[Anonymous]

I have been going back and forth about joining FB and now I am thinking - I don't need this! Maybe I won't sign up. High school was tolerable the first time around but nothing I care to repeat. Same with college for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, there was a reason we all lost touch with each other after high school. Now that we've all reconnected on FB, it seems like high school all over again.

This is why I don't do FB. After 20 years---I still am close contact with my best childhood friend, high school buddy. I have no reason to become reconnected with what I left behind. If I don't have someone's personal email address---they just aren't close to me. My older sister's friend told her that FB with their HS class is ridiculous---totally like one big HS clique and the HS b*tch writing catty comments. Ha! Not for me and I was actually with the 'in' crowd.