Give way to younger kid

[Anonymous]

How do you handle when your DC have conflict with other kids over public toys? My DC is 4, and she is older than the other child by a year. I have been asking my DC to take turn & give way to the younger one even thought she does not like it. She does it a few times and becomes unhappy & asks "why" later on because she does not get her turns at all. The younger one does not want to give way no matter what. The young child's mom has tried to ask her child to give way but not working, and at the end, the mom keeps asking my DC to give way because my child is older.

My DC is older, and I want her to share toys with others. Unfortunately, when the other kid does not cooperate to take turn, I don't know what to do. My child tells me that it is unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle when your DC have conflict with other kids over public toys? My DC is 4, and she is older than the other child by a year. I have been asking my DC to take turn & give way to the younger one even thought she does not like it. She does it a few times and becomes unhappy & asks "why" later on because she does not get her turns at all. The younger one does not want to give way no matter what. The young child's mom has tried to ask her child to give way but not working, and at the end, the mom keeps asking my DC to give way because my child is older.

My DC is older, and I want her to share toys with others. Unfortunately, when the other kid does not cooperate to take turn, I don't know what to do. My child tells me that it is unfair.

Same child every time or is this over a broad range of interactions?

[Anonymous]

I think that you are both expecting a bit much from fairly young children. If you want the children to take turns, you are going to have to be the one to organize and enforce the turn-taking. Honestly, it is a real pain to do that, especially with someone else's child. I'd just bring other toys or arrange other activities for them to do that don't involve taking turns.

[Anonymous]

My rule for my kids is that if another child is playing with a toy (or on a swing or whatever), they get to continue playing with it until they're finished. My child can either wait for them to be done, or go find something else to play with.

I don't require my kids to give up their toy so someone else can play with it either. I will say something like: "Looks like this girl is interested in the truck you're playing with. Will you give it to her when you're finished playing with it?" He almost always says "yes" and gives it up within a few minutes. But he feels like he gets to decide, and that he gets to make the decision to do something "nice" on his own.

I'm really not a fan of ripping a toy of out of any kid's hands so another kid can play with it.

[Anonymous]

I would set up a timer and let the kids swap. If they don't share, the toy goes away. Most kids don't like taking turns, it is something that they need to be taught. I fully understand why the 4 year old doesn't get why she has to have the toy less because the 3 year old won't share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would set up a timer and let the kids swap. If they don't share, the toy goes away. Most kids don't like taking turns, it is something that they need to be taught. I fully understand why the 4 year old doesn't get why she has to have the toy less because the 3 year old won't share.

I will do this with siblings sometimes. But I am not comfortable enforcing turns involving a stranger’s kid. I just say, we have been swinging a while and I see that there is someone else who wants a turn. Let’s finish up and let’s him have a turn.

That said, this is why I hate toys at playgrounds. They are waaaay more trouble than they’re worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle when your DC have conflict with other kids over public toys? My DC is 4, and she is older than the other child by a year. I have been asking my DC to take turn & give way to the younger one even thought she does not like it. She does it a few times and becomes unhappy & asks "why" later on because she does not get her turns at all. The younger one does not want to give way no matter what. The young child's mom has tried to ask her child to give way but not working, and at the end, the mom keeps asking my DC to give way because my child is older.

My DC is older, and I want her to share toys with others. Unfortunately, when the other kid does not cooperate to take turn, I don't know what to do. My child tells me that it is unfair.

Same child every time or is this over a broad range of interactions?

I need this info, too. Is this at a playgroup you go to regularly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle when your DC have conflict with other kids over public toys? My DC is 4, and she is older than the other child by a year. I have been asking my DC to take turn & give way to the younger one even thought she does not like it. She does it a few times and becomes unhappy & asks "why" later on because she does not get her turns at all. The younger one does not want to give way no matter what. The young child's mom has tried to ask her child to give way but not working, and at the end, the mom keeps asking my DC to give way because my child is older.

My DC is older, and I want her to share toys with others. Unfortunately, when the other kid does not cooperate to take turn, I don't know what to do. My child tells me that it is unfair.

Same child every time or is this over a broad range of interactions?

I need this info, too. Is this at a playgroup you go to regularly?

OP here. It is not a playgroup, but we happen to bump into each other once or twice per week. There is no chance for us to avoid each other because kids are drawn to those public toys.

If the other child is my own, it is a lot easier & comfortable for me to step in to interrupt. I don't like that my DC being unhappy & is forced by me to give way all the time because she happens to be a bit older, but I have no right to touch the other child or grab the toy when it is my DC turn. The young child mom is on the phone all the time, and she is kind of telling my DC to let her own child to play for longer time because hers is younger (she call her baby), and unfortunately both kids (hers & mine) are stubborn. I don't mind my DC "occasionally" to give way because it is good for her to learn how to play with younger kid. We do have a young 8 months old baby at home, but they have not really played with each other yet because of the age difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle when your DC have conflict with other kids over public toys? My DC is 4, and she is older than the other child by a year. I have been asking my DC to take turn & give way to the younger one even thought she does not like it. She does it a few times and becomes unhappy & asks "why" later on because she does not get her turns at all. The younger one does not want to give way no matter what. The young child's mom has tried to ask her child to give way but not working, and at the end, the mom keeps asking my DC to give way because my child is older.

My DC is older, and I want her to share toys with others. Unfortunately, when the other kid does not cooperate to take turn, I don't know what to do. My child tells me that it is unfair.

Same child every time or is this over a broad range of interactions?

I need this info, too. Is this at a playgroup you go to regularly?

OP here. It is not a playgroup, but we happen to bump into each other once or twice per week. There is no chance for us to avoid each other because kids are drawn to those public toys.

If the other child is my own, it is a lot easier & comfortable for me to step in to interrupt. I don't like that my DC being unhappy & is forced by me to give way all the time because she happens to be a bit older, but I have no right to touch the other child or grab the toy when it is my DC turn. The young child mom is on the phone all the time, and she is kind of telling my DC to let her own child to play for longer time because hers is younger (she call her baby), and unfortunately both kids (hers & mine) are stubborn. I don't mind my DC "occasionally" to give way because it is good for her to learn how to play with younger kid. We do have a young 8 months old baby at home, but they have not really played with each other yet because of the age difference.

Ok. Tell the other kid that your daughter is playing with the toy right now, and she can have it when your child is finished. Rinse. Repeat. If there is a similar toy, perhaps hand that to the other little girl to play with if you are feeling generous. I agree with your daughter - it is fine if we are all going to take turns. It is not fine if I am going to take turns, and then you play with the toy as long as you want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle when your DC have conflict with other kids over public toys? My DC is 4, and she is older than the other child by a year. I have been asking my DC to take turn & give way to the younger one even thought she does not like it. She does it a few times and becomes unhappy & asks "why" later on because she does not get her turns at all. The younger one does not want to give way no matter what. The young child's mom has tried to ask her child to give way but not working, and at the end, the mom keeps asking my DC to give way because my child is older.

My DC is older, and I want her to share toys with others. Unfortunately, when the other kid does not cooperate to take turn, I don't know what to do. My child tells me that it is unfair.

Same child every time or is this over a broad range of interactions?

I need this info, too. Is this at a playgroup you go to regularly?

OP here. It is not a playgroup, but we happen to bump into each other once or twice per week. There is no chance for us to avoid each other because kids are drawn to those public toys.

If the other child is my own, it is a lot easier & comfortable for me to step in to interrupt. I don't like that my DC being unhappy & is forced by me to give way all the time because she happens to be a bit older, but I have no right to touch the other child or grab the toy when it is my DC turn. The young child mom is on the phone all the time, and she is kind of telling my DC to let her own child to play for longer time because hers is younger (she call her baby), and unfortunately both kids (hers & mine) are stubborn. I don't mind my DC "occasionally" to give way because it is good for her to learn how to play with younger kid. We do have a young 8 months old baby at home, but they have not really played with each other yet because of the age difference.

This is very easy.

"Hey Larlo, give baby Jenny a turn would you? She's younger than you."
"Actually, no, Larlo can play with it today. He always shares and unfortunately never seems to get the toys back, and it's hard for me to teach him about fairness that way. He can continue to play with it. Maybe next time he can give it to Jenny. Jenny can play with something else today."

[Anonymous]

"Hey Larla, when you're done with that let Larlo have a turn."

Then don't give it any more attention or it will create a power struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My rule for my kids is that if another child is playing with a toy (or on a swing or whatever), they get to continue playing with it until they're finished. My child can either wait for them to be done, or go find something else to play with.

I don't require my kids to give up their toy so someone else can play with it either. I will say something like: "Looks like this girl is interested in the truck you're playing with. Will you give it to her when you're finished playing with it?" He almost always says "yes" and gives it up within a few minutes. But he feels like he gets to decide, and that he gets to make the decision to do something "nice" on his own.

I'm really not a fan of ripping a toy of out of any kid's hands so another kid can play with it.

This works. OP, the key is that you enforce the sharing but your kid (or whoever has the toy first) has complete control over the timeline.

[Anonymous]

It's unfair to your child if she had the toy first. Whoever has it first, no matter the age, should get to continue playing with it for a few minutes, and then hand it over. If it's your kid, you can obviously enforce this rule more easily. If the other kid has it first and the parent doesn't enforce the rule, it sucks, but you just have to walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My rule for my kids is that if another child is playing with a toy (or on a swing or whatever), they get to continue playing with it until they're finished. My child can either wait for them to be done, or go find something else to play with.

I don't require my kids to give up their toy so someone else can play with it either. I will say something like: "Looks like this girl is interested in the truck you're playing with. Will you give it to her when you're finished playing with it?" He almost always says "yes" and gives it up within a few minutes. But he feels like he gets to decide, and that he gets to make the decision to do something "nice" on his own.

I'm really not a fan of ripping a toy of out of any kid's hands so another kid can play with it.

This is what we do as well. If it went in for too long I’d ask my kid to find a way to incorporate the other child (show them how to use it or find a a way to play together). If it went on waaaay long I would ask them to share but it really never gets to that point. Like PP I make it their decision and they are good with sharing.

[Anonymous]

Im bad at this too, probably because I just have an only and don't have to worry about this 99% of the time. But receently at a playdate, I saw another mom mediate well... another kid wanted the toy her kid was using. She stepped in, told both kids her son could use it for 1 more minute and then he would et the other kid have a turn.