Cutting, emo, issues

[Anonymous]

Not sure how to start this question, guess I am looking for some perspective, advice.

DD is 13, very popular and outgoing, but also has insecurities, which I know is normal. She's read the entire Twilight series, and I think some of the concepts in these books somehow flow into all this. She has tested the waters with cutting and the idea of being "Emo" she seems to like to self-identify with, but doesn't dress in all black or anything like that, still looks like a normal kid. I read her diary and it contained a lot of references to the ideas of drugs, alcohol and cutting. The thing is, we generally know where she is all the time, so I don't think she has engaged in these behaviors (except testing cutting- but as far as i can tell this is not something she is doing, but instead something she had done), but she seems to aspire to be "bad." She likes that label, of being edgy and being a rulebreaker, but at the same time she gets great grades and is a pretty good kid- not outwardly defiant at all. There is also a family history of substance abuse, so we worry about any pre-disposition she may have towards this.

We have a psychologist we have seen in the past and I will get her feedback, but I wanted to hear from some parents of teens around and over this age- what experiences have you had with this? Any at all? Advice- things that have worked or don't work? I wonder if this age is also just a process that you must go through. We really try to do all the right things, but can that happen and it just not be enough?

We are fairly on top of things, involved in activities (at least we like to think we are) and monitor her Facebook page and texting, welcome friends to our house, she is not at friends' homes that we do not know, etc. We will not directly address the diary entry as we don't want her to feel like there is nowhere she can express herself without us knowing. A month or so ago when we learned she had purposely scratched on her skin, DH and I did talk with her about the emo concept and told her that this is not a positive series of behaviors, so she needs to not go in this direction. We knew that might not work, but thought it was worth a try. I think we might have actually made it more appealing. We are learning as we go.

I guess I am just hoping for some perspective and thoughts here. Its occured to me that maybe we are so on top of things it is stifling and she is writing some of these references to see if this is another area that we are monitoring. I used to write things in my diary that I would NEVER actually say or do, but it was my time to be a big shot- I guess I am hoping 1- that is what is happening here 2-it doesn't really evolve to that, but how can we cope?

[Anonymous]

Just a guess here, so please don't be offended. I was a cutter as a teen and an adult. For me, cutting was about control. Is it possible that you control too much and she doesn't feel like she has any control over her own life? Please don't take it the wrong way. I know you love her very much. The teen years are hard for both the parents and the teens.

[Anonymous]

Did you read her emails and IMs? They may be more revealing than Facebook or texts.

[Anonymous]

Where has she done the cutting?

[Anonymous]

Not to alarm you but the vast majority of cutters have been sexually or physically abused. Not everyone that is abused cuts, but the majority of those abused do cut. I went through this myself as a teen and have a ton of scars on my arms. Hopefully this isn't the case with your daughter.
You can probably relate to not knowing the best way to cope with life at that age and every issue seems SO BIG. You feel like no one can relate to you and how you're feeling. It is also huge cry for attention.
I don't have any advice as to how to help your daughter though as I have no idea what would've helped me. I did it for about 4 years though. And then just basically grew up and learned normal coping strategies. Good luck with your daughter OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to alarm you but the vast majority of cutters have been sexually or physically abused. Not everyone that is abused cuts, but the majority of those abused do cut. I went through this myself as a teen and have a ton of scars on my arms. Hopefully this isn't the case with your daughter.
You can probably relate to not knowing the best way to cope with life at that age and every issue seems SO BIG. You feel like no one can relate to you and how you're feeling. It is also huge cry for attention.
I don't have any advice as to how to help your daughter though as I have no idea what would've helped me. I did it for about 4 years though. And then just basically grew up and learned normal coping strategies. Good luck with your daughter OP.

OMG. What's going on?

[Anonymous]

There was a small contingent of girls at our private school last year who engaged in that behavior. They wore long sleeves, but would show their efforts to the non-cutters (maybe for attention?). The counselors and parents got on top of it pretty quickly, it was pretty much over within a few weeks, according to my non-cutting daughter. Some kids try to fit into a group by doing what the group does (yikes, like the gang rape at the CA high school?), some kids recruit others into their world of things that parents wish they'd steer clear of, and like the previous poster said there are control issues with parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to alarm you but the vast majority of cutters have been sexually or physically abused. Not everyone that is abused cuts, but the majority of those abused do cut. I went through this myself as a teen and have a ton of scars on my arms. Hopefully this isn't the case with your daughter.
You can probably relate to not knowing the best way to cope with life at that age and every issue seems SO BIG. You feel like no one can relate to you and how you're feeling. It is also huge cry for attention.
I don't have any advice as to how to help your daughter though as I have no idea what would've helped me. I did it for about 4 years though. And then just basically grew up and learned normal coping strategies. Good luck with your daughter OP.

Reference or citation, please? I've never seen any data that indicates that the "vast majority" of cutters have been sexually or physically abused.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for the feedback. The cutting has been more like scratching at this point, as far as I can tell. But there seem to be a lot of entries talking about it and there are a few friends of hers who like to call themselves emo- so I wonder if it is about fitting in.

I think the comments about control are relevant- my wonder about us being too stifling, I think may have something to do with it. We are trying to kick back a little. I almost think we know too much sometimes, and maybe being slightly oblivious makes you a little better of a parent?

I hope that there has been no physical or sexual abuse. We have seen a psychologist on a semi-regular basis in the past for some other stuff, and she has said she doesn't think there is any history, but obviously it is not one of those things that we can know conclusively, but at least at this juncture its not something that we have reason to suspect or have suspected in the past. I have read the same information on the internet about cutters.

Thanks for the positive thoughts. These years are tough and I know especially so on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to alarm you but the vast majority of cutters have been sexually or physically abused. Not everyone that is abused cuts, but the majority of those abused do cut. I went through this myself as a teen and have a ton of scars on my arms. Hopefully this isn't the case with your daughter.
You can probably relate to not knowing the best way to cope with life at that age and every issue seems SO BIG. You feel like no one can relate to you and how you're feeling. It is also huge cry for attention.
I don't have any advice as to how to help your daughter though as I have no idea what would've helped me. I did it for about 4 years though. And then just basically grew up and learned normal coping strategies. Good luck with your daughter OP.

Reference or citation, please? I've never seen any data that indicates that the "vast majority" of cutters have been sexually or physically abused.

Hard to find actual numbers. But the link is undeniable.

http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/abstract/152/9/1336

http://www.focusas.com/SelfInjury.html Nearly 50% report physical abuse and/or sexual abuse during his or her childhood. Many self-injurers report that they were discouraged from expressing emotions, particularly anger or sadness.

http://www.health.columbia.edu/docs/topics/sexual_violence/self_injury.html Self-injury is very common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse and rape.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1285981/?page=4

[Anonymous]

quasi o/t

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/10/40-is-not-the-new-12/