Balancing travel to visit grandparents vs grandparents visiting you
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Anonymous
| How “balanced” are visits to grandparents versus grandparents visiting you? I’m frustrated with my in-laws, as they seem to put the onus on us to do most of the traveling to see them. They live 100 miles from us (so a 1.5 hour drive on a good day, but can take 2-2.5 hours sometimes due to traffic on I-95). Both of them have been retired for 4-5 years and they’re in their mid-60s and are in relatively good health. I feel like because of this, they have the flexibility to visit us (namely, their only grandchildren) more than they do. But they seem to have tons of excuses as to why they can’t (they don’t like driving in the dark, they don’t like staying away from home, they’re busy, etc). I feel like we’ve done our best to make it easy on them (offered to pick them up at the train station if they want to take the train instead of driving, been really flexible with our availability for them to visit, etc), but they still only see our kids a handful of times a year. We have a 5 year old, 3 year old, and 3 month old and while I stay home, my husband works full time, so travel for us isn’t the easiest either. I guess I’m just venting some because they claim to want to see the kids more, but seem to put all the pressure on us to make it happen. Also just curious how often other families visit grandparents vs grandparents visiting them. |
Anonymous
| Who cares. I would love your setup. A handful of times? Try them asking to come over before they’ve even left the house from the last visit. |
Anonymous
I care for a lot of reasons including that my first child died at the age of 2.5 years, so I’m very aware of the fragility of life and how much time we have (or don’t have with loved ones), and my children love seeing and spending time with their grandparents. I grew up less than 10 minutes from both sets of my grandparents, so I saw them frequently and we never had to worry about “travel” for visits. I know and respect that visits with family can be challenging, but it can also be really wonderful. I guess i’m just struggling with the idea that my in-laws don’t seem to want to spend time with their grandchildren (despite what they say), unless my husband and I put in all the effort to make it happen. Didn’t know if this was a normal thing among grandparents or if ours are just special! |
Anonymous
Then your only option is to drive to them to fascinate the relationship. |
Anonymous
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Is it possible that they don’t want to impose on you by staying in your home? That they can give you more of a break by you staying in their home where they cook and clean rather than making work for you if they stayed at your home?
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Anonymous
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Their reasons are valid. If they are in their sixties, it is quite possible it's not safe for them to drive in the dark. They may actually be getting to be worse drivers even during the day. Older people are comfortable in their own environment and given declining cognitive skills are not as good at adapting to other environments.
I'm the single childless sibling in my family who bears the brunt of the elder care. My siblings for years did nothing to help my parents AND were demanding that they do things for their kids really were not capable of anymore. So not only did I have to take care of my parents, I had to deal with my siblings making demands on them (help book flights to see them, check them in for their flights, arrange for rides to airport, buy gifts for the grandchildren and cards to send for their birthday "from grandma and grandpa," etc). Don't be like that. Sorry, but they are aging, and you need to be adapting and understanding. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry but they're not elderly! Your description might be more valid if they're in their 80s or 90s. |
Anonymous
PP here. Also - what sort of bedroom set up do you have for the in laws when they visit? My brother lived in a four bedroom house with three kids. Instead of making one of the bedrooms available to my parents, he would insist that no child of his should have to give up his bedroom, and insist my parents sleep on the double pull out couch in the play room that the kids would run screaming into at 6am. And then he complained that my parents did not want to visit more often. |
Anonymous
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60s is not old. If they are physically fine, I would talk to your DH and figure out what you all want and then ask for it. What type of visitation schedule do you want? If you want them to come down every other month and you go up there every other month, i feel like you could say that really nicely. something like - the kids are getting older and are getting involved in activities. We want to keep a regular visiting schedule with you all the Larlitos love seeing you so much. Would this work? X, Y, Z.
And then everyone is on the same page with expectations communicated. |
Anonymous
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I grew up with grandparents across the country and they never visited us to my memory. Travel is hard when you get older. We visited them once a year when I was younger but less often as we got busier/it got more expensive to get the whole family out. However my mother was very firm about us writing letters to our grandparents and they wrote back and we talked on the phone sometimes, so I always felt close to them and loved regardless.
These days my parents travel to see their kids more than we travel to see them, but it’s still only once every few months (parents live 5-10 hour drive from kids, depending on kid). We get together as a family once a year, and the location is determined by who is least able to travel/best able to host. At the moment this is one of my sisters who is paying for her kid’s college and whose husband can’t get time off easily. This is just to give you a sense of my “normal” — I so sorry to hear of your child who died young, and I totally understand why trying to drive 100 miles with a young family is daunting. Maybe you can encourage the grandparent relationship in other ways like video chatting or having the children put together care packages to Grandma and Grandpa? |
Anonymous
They are in their sixties. That is elderly. THey say they are uncomfortable driving at night and more comfrtable at home. These are very common trends in the elderly. Accept it and work around their needs, or be ok with seeing them yes. Your question was is this normal. Yes, this is normal. As people age they get less comfrtable driving, travelling, etc. You had kids, not them. It is your responsibility to care for your own children. Your in laws are under no obligation to do so. |
Anonymous
None of that is tough for 60 year olds. I work with plenty of 60 year olds who are in charge of massive programs. Your parents were using you if they could buy a card at the grocery store for birthdays. Do they not have internet at 60? Amazon ships gifts directly. I feel like I have to make sure my parents keep up with the times and understand that they need to have iphones and buy things like plane tickets online. My 90 year old grandparents have iphones and use them. |
Anonymous
A "regular visiting schedule"?? WTF? That is so controlling. OP does not own her in laws' time! |
Anonymous
My parents needed this level of help by their mid to late sixties, and no, they don't know how to order things on the Internet. They are now in their late 70s with full blown dementia. In their mid to late sixties they did not have a dx of dementia but I know see they were starting to show signs. 60s is old enough to start showing signs of "old age" - not being able to drive at night, driving less well, feeling out of sorts and uncomfortable when travelling, etc. Just because someone who is sixty five looks fine to you doesn't mean they totally are. You don't live in their body. |
Anonymous
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I saw my grandparents once every few years because they loved overseas and flights were expensive. One visited a few times and the other once or twice — in my childhood, not per year. I was extremely close to one despite all that and would go to visit more regularly as an adult. We wrote letters.
I get where you are coming from, but I think you are overreacting. That is how much they want to see you for whatever reason. If you want to go more, go. That’s really not very far and visiting grandparents in their space can be memorable for other reasons. |