How do you manage mom guilt

[Anonymous]

Q for those of you that feel it or used to feel it and have figured out how to manage it - how do deal with it? I feel like I walk around with this weight on my shoulders that I’m not giving my kids enough time / love / thoughtful enough development stuff / patience etc etc etc. logically I think my kids get plenty of time with me but I have these thoughts like “how will the 6mo even know I’m his mom vs just another person taking care of him??” and how will my toddler feel stability when I am his stability (we just moved, dad travels for work) and I just left for 2 nights for a girls weekend. How will my kids ever learn to make something when I hate the mess and take them to run around outside all the time instead? And on and on of constantly feeling like I know logically they will be fine but its despite all my shortcoming/ failures towards them.

I don’t want to feel this way and need to get this berating mom guilt voice in my head under control. Ideas?

[Anonymous]

What would you say to a friend that came to you with these concerns?

I like to play that game sometimes, and give myself the same pep talk that I would give my friend.

Like, "You are an incredible mom, holding down the fort while your DH is gone. It's not easy!" "It's so great that you take some time for yourself. You deserve some time, too." "How wonderful to be able to let your kids run around outside all day. They will have years and years in the classroom. You're letting them be free and explore. Nothing is better than play and being outside at that age."

It turns out we're a lot nicer to our friends than we are to ourselves most of the time. Trying on that perspective may help.

[Anonymous]

It's because you have these thoughts that you can be comforted that you're probably a good mom. A bad mom wouldn't feel any guilt at all.

[Anonymous]

I think about what I would say to my best friends in that situation. I'm way harder on myself than I am on my friends.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the suggestions above. Also, though I'm not sure this would work for everyone depending on your relationship with your own mother, I also sometimes think about my own relationship with my mom now and how it's very close, yet I don't remember her being there every second or doing every type of activity with me. She worked full time, I had a nanny, or went to aftercare etc as a young kid but I have never thought of her as not being present. She was so present and we were always connected. It's the small things i remember - songs in the morning when she would wake me up, baking at christmas time, practicing spelling words after work, cheering me on at swim meets. I try to remind myself that as a kid I didn't expect her to be there every second and the experiences that weren't her "thing" I did through other areas - with the awesome nannies after school, or with my friends. It reminds me that I don't need to be everything, my connection to my kid is bigger than that and the connection is the most important thing to focus on (and isn't built on being good at everything or exposing them to everything!).

You got this mama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's because you have these thoughts that you can be comforted that you're probably a good mom. A bad mom wouldn't feel any guilt at all.

This.

[Anonymous]

It gets easier in my opinion when they get older.

My kids are now elementary and middle school age. Yes, I have days where I know I made my mistakes and didn't handle myself well.

But now I have days where I see my kids doing something kind towards others, 'fessing up to a mistake even at the risk of a consequence, showing forgiveness when wronged, overcoming a hardship or challenge with grace, and I realize that they are doing well and I just love the little people they are becoming.

I also see through the differences among siblings as they age that some things are just innate to who they are, and I cut myself some slack about just how much influence Dad and I actually have.

The one thing I haven't released is my anxiety about their safety. To be honest, I don't know if that will ever be alleviated. I am forty and my mama still worries about me.

[Anonymous]

First of all, your kids are so young that they won't really remember anything from this time anyway. They won't remember your husband's business trips and they won't remember you going away with friends. My daughter's dad deployed quite a bit, for fairly long periods of time, when she was younger, and she remembers nothing. We moved houses and daycare when she was 2.5 (Dad has also moved) and she doesn't really remember our old house or her old daycare, other than what I've told her. They will grow up knowing that in general, you are there for them.

I hate doing crafts - I'm just not crafty - but if your kids go to preschool, they'll do a ton of them there. Later, they'll do them in school and extended day and summer camp. It's good they're getting lots of activity - it's a good habit to start.

There's no one right or wrong way to do this stuff. I mean, there are some really wrong things to do, but you're not doing those. I'm sure you're doing fine.

[Anonymous]

I have watched The Florida Project which helped me understand we all give the best we can to our kids.
Then I also ran out of effs to give. Some kids will have more than mine. My mom was mentally ill, but thought she was so great because she did all the great parenting things.
My goal is to stay sane for my kid, literally. Even if I don’t do as much as my mom. He may not grow up as smart or industrious as I did, but he will hopefully be happier and maybe even more successful, who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's because you have these thoughts that you can be comforted that you're probably a good mom. A bad mom wouldn't feel any guilt at all.

Not true! I’m a good mom (as far as I can tell; jury is out til they’re adults, really). I don’t feel guilt about things like this. Some people are just more guilt-prone than others. Presence or absence of guilt isn’t what makes someone a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you say to a friend that came to you with these concerns?

I like to play that game sometimes, and give myself the same pep talk that I would give my friend.

Like, "You are an incredible mom, holding down the fort while your DH is gone. It's not easy!" "It's so great that you take some time for yourself. You deserve some time, too." "How wonderful to be able to let your kids run around outside all day. They will have years and years in the classroom. You're letting them be free and explore. Nothing is better than play and being outside at that age."

It turns out we're a lot nicer to our friends than we are to ourselves most of the time. Trying on that perspective may help.

This is great advice. And I also needed it today, so thank you. Besides all of this, I try to remind myself too that my DS doesn't need to be around me 24/7 to be happy. He's allowed to be happy playing at daycare, and visiting his cousins for the weekend... and that to think his happiness centers around me is a bit selfish (not to be mean to myself). We all find joy in so many different places thru the day and life, I am trying to remember that my son is allowed to do the same. So being a good mom is letting them have time without me.

Thanks for posting this. I'm about to go away with my husband for a long weekend, first time since he was born a year ago. I have tons of guilt but would give this pep talk to any friend or stranger on the street to go and enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's because you have these thoughts that you can be comforted that you're probably a good mom. A bad mom wouldn't feel any guilt at all.

Not true! I’m a good mom (as far as I can tell; jury is out til they’re adults, really). I don’t feel guilt about things like this. Some people are just more guilt-prone than others. Presence or absence of guilt isn’t what makes someone a good parent.

All bad moms feel no guilt. But it doesn’t follow that all moms who feel no guilt are bad moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's because you have these thoughts that you can be comforted that you're probably a good mom. A bad mom wouldn't feel any guilt at all.

Not true! I’m a good mom (as far as I can tell; jury is out til they’re adults, really). I don’t feel guilt about things like this. Some people are just more guilt-prone than others. Presence or absence of guilt isn’t what makes someone a good parent.

I'm not saying that people who don't feel guilt are bad moms. I'm saying that a person who is a bad mom probably doesn't feel guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's because you have these thoughts that you can be comforted that you're probably a good mom. A bad mom wouldn't feel any guilt at all.

This.

I disagree! I mean, on the one hand, whatever you need to make yourself feel better, but on the other....guild does not equal good mom and lack of guilt does not equal bad mom.

IMO, guilt is usually about anxiety. I don't feel guilty because already know that I'm not going to be a perfect mom (since I'm not a perfect person). I already know that I can't do everything all at once. I already believe that how my kids turn out does not depend on whether I cloth diapered or formula fed, so there's no need to obsess or feel guilt over those decisions. It doesn't make me a bad mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's because you have these thoughts that you can be comforted that you're probably a good mom. A bad mom wouldn't feel any guilt at all.

Not true! I’m a good mom (as far as I can tell; jury is out til they’re adults, really). I don’t feel guilt about things like this. Some people are just more guilt-prone than others. Presence or absence of guilt isn’t what makes someone a good parent.

I'm not saying that people who don't feel guilt are bad moms. I'm saying that a person who is a bad mom probably doesn't feel guilt.

That's not true either. Plenty of people do something they know is wrong often, but can't help themselves. The two just aren't related.