I want divorce, husband doesn’t...

[Anonymous]

Trying to get some feedback on how to navigate this situation. We’ve been married for 13 years, have two kids under ten. Husband is a workaholic and verbally/mentally abusive towards me since then beginning. I didn’t know what I was dealing with and kept going to marriage counseling and trying to work on things, but he is very slow to make progress and whatever progress he makes usually gets thrown back in my face (“look how much I’ve changed for you”). At this point, I’m done with the marriage because I don’t see us growing old together, divorce is inevitable, but he is begging for another chance. I gave him time to get his act together earlier in the year, but he has gone back to his old controlling and gaslighting ways and I can’t take anymore. He’s telling me he will not divorce me and will fight it with all his energy and resources because he thinks I’m being unreasonable and the kids will be “destroyed” by this decision.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you survive? I am already barely keeping my head above water, a long drawn out divorce will destroy me, but staying is not an option because it will literally kill me.

[Anonymous]

He is right that you will destroy your children. But if you want to proceed, spend the $450 to see a lawyer and get some advice. It depends on the state. You may have to move out, although that will affect custody. The only thing that is certain is any advice on this forum is worth what you paid for it, including what I just typed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is right that you will destroy your children. But if you want to proceed, spend the $450 to see a lawyer and get some advice. It depends on the state. You may have to move out, although that will affect custody. The only thing that is certain is any advice on this forum is worth what you paid for it, including what I just typed.

This. Don’t hire a lawyer who went to the DCUM School of Law.

[Anonymous]

It won’t destroy your children. My parents divorced due to my father’s about, and 30 years later I still believe it was the best decision she could have made for me.

[Anonymous]

Just get started.

Make an appointment. See a lawyer (or several) to get a sense of what divorce would entail. He can’t force you to stay married. Most states allow you to be officially separated if you live in separate rooms in the same house.

Maybe you’ll feel empowered to get out. Maybe the consultation will make you feel like giving the Marriage another try. Who knows. Just get started already.

[Anonymous]

How ridiculous that pps are suggesting you stay in an abusive marriage! As if it better to grow up with dad being abusive to mom and learn to model the same abusive behavior. You can do this and should do this. But, it won't be easy. Do you work? Have good income? Can you pay the lawyer and take him to the cleaners, alimony, child support? If the option is that you have to work 3 jobs to support yourself and the kid, think how best to proceed.

[Anonymous]

Definitely start with a lawyer. She/he will probably want you to document everything because abusers are usually charming and judges aren’t immune to charm.

[Anonymous]

Also, it is your decision to divorce. It is his decision to draw it out and fight over every last China plate, and it is that decision that will have a worse impact on the kids. So it is his decisions that will hurt the kids. He is again trying to make you feel responsible for his hurtful choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is right that you will destroy your children. But if you want to proceed, spend the $450 to see a lawyer and get some advice. It depends on the state. You may have to move out, although that will affect custody. The only thing that is certain is any advice on this forum is worth what you paid for it, including what I just typed.

This. Don’t hire a lawyer who went to the DCUM School of Law.

This is hyperbole. A good deal of advice you get on here is based on experience. YMMV.

The first piece of advice is it won’t “destroy your children” - so many people get divorced these days. My kids are children of divorce and I’d say nearly half of their class in school are children of divorce. It’s not preferred, but life happens. People change and reveal their darker natures, cheat, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely start with a lawyer. She/he will probably want you to document everything because abusers are usually charming and judges aren’t immune to charm.

Document too much and you look like a nut job. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

you are doing the right thing, OP. I guarantee your kids are already stressed living in an abusive home.

[Anonymous]

OP, what does "Mentally/Emotionally Abusive" mean to you? Can you give some examples? (Be honest and without dramatization, please)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what does "Mentally/Emotionally Abusive" mean to you? Can you give some examples? (Be honest and without dramatization, please)

sorry, meant "Verbally/Mentally Abusive"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely start with a lawyer. She/he will probably want you to document everything because abusers are usually charming and judges aren’t immune to charm.

Document too much and you look like a nut job. Trust me.

Gaslighting abuser.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand. If you want it, go ahead. Why do you need DH’s approval?