DS, 5, tells me at pickup he wishes it was Daddy

[Anonymous]

DH and I are married, but because he WFH almost all the time, he does bulk of pickups. I relish the chance to do them whenever I am off, WFH, etc -- our 5 year-old has always favored his father -- since he was 18 months -- and despite assurances from everyone under the sun it was a phase, it has marginally improved over past 3.5 years but still persists.

Most of the time when I pick him up from school/camp etc., he looks angry/despondent and greets me with "I'm not happy to see you. Why isn't Daddy here? I was hoping Daddy would pick me up."

Obviously, it kills me. I don't know how to fix it. I am the parent who coordinates all playdates, bday parties and sports -- but I'm also the one who cracks down on TV etc. What can I do here?

[Anonymous]

Don't react to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't react to it.

+1 Him preferring Dad isn't a problem, but being rude or unkind to Mom is. Tell him it's not nice to say he's not happy to see you, explain where Daddy is, and don't let him get you riled up.

[Anonymous]

Does he know in advance that it will be you? If not, he may be responding negatively because he was expecting the usual plan.

[Anonymous]

The grass is always greener.

[Anonymous]

I do most of the pick ups and am sometimes still greeted this way! When daddy picks up, he's the hero!

But yes, no reaction is the best way. Clamp down on rude talk, but don't clamp down on the feeling. He wanted his dad, and you came. Oh well, life moves on.

But really spend some time digging through your own feelings about being less-preferred. It's really ok! It's awesome he has a strong bond with his dad. But make sure you are not punishing him for preferring his dad, and that you two have time to spend together one on one.

[Anonymous]

I'd probably have responded: "I like Daddy a lot too. When we see him, what should we tell him about your school day today?"

[Anonymous]

Kids are just jerks sometimes, OP. He loves you more than you can imagine. Maybe keep dum dums in your car so he has a special tiny treat when you pick him up.

[Anonymous]

Coordinating play dates and sports isn't something a 5 year old is going to appreciate. When you pick him up go get ice cream, go to a park or playground and play with him, etc. Maybe your husband picks him up and throws him in the air or play wrestles with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are just jerks sometimes, OP. He loves you more than you can imagine. Maybe keep dum dums in your car so he has a special tiny treat when you pick him up.

Or fruit snacks. That's the advantage of only picking up occasionally, you can have it include a small treat.

Also, my DD often greeted me with CRANKY. I've found that the more I let it get to me, the worse it got. As soon as I was able to just sort of let it go, she moved past it. It took me WAY longer than I want to admit to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

He’s getting old enough to understand empathy. He needs to figure out a better way to handle his feelings, though I give him credit for being able to express himself. That kind of thing made me sad, too. Can you start any fun traditions for when you pick him up?

[Anonymous]

I’d have your DH talk to him about what he’s saying. I’m not happy to see you is really obnoxious and cruel. My kids are not allowed to talk that way to us.

[Anonymous]

Kids thrive off of routine. He probably looks forward to their usual routine, chatting about their day, etc. He probably doesn't realize it hurts you when he says these things and acts upset to see you, so you could try to tell him how that makes you feel. It's tough, my DS also tends to be more excited to see DH after work, after one of us travels for work, etc.

[Anonymous]

Have another kid. You will be thrilled hay your older one prefers daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids are just jerks sometimes, OP. He loves you more than you can imagine. Maybe keep dum dums in your car so he has a special tiny treat when you pick him up.

Good advice.