people always telling my kid he's smart

[Anonymous]

Please don't flame me for this, because I'm genuinely asking if anyone else has been in this situation and how you handled.

My kid - age 5 - is a bright kid, and friendly and very happy to talk about his myriad interests with a fairly advanced vocabulary. As a result, teachers, relatives, friends' parents, strangers are constantly telling him how smart he is (good intentions of course), and he's definitely noticed, and calls himself smart - I feel like it's going to his head. From what I understand from Nurtureshock and elsewhere, that's not a particularly great message to tell a kid to set him up for lifetime success.

I try to talk with him about how there are all sorts of intelligence and how while he may find things like reading easy, some things may be harder for him, etc. but I don't know exactly how to handle this generally. Wondering if others have been in this situation and how you handled.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's very verbal and articulate. This happens to a lot of kids who develop strong language skills early.

Don't worry about it. Just say thanks and roll along. I don't think it will go to his head so long as you don't lawn-mow all obstacles in front of him.

[Anonymous]

Just switch it around to “he works hard” whenever he hears that he’s smart. Don’t compliment the outcome, compliment the method of getting there. If he reads well and the teacher says he’s smart, say something like, he’s been practicing really hard since he was in preschool. It’s not contradicting the compliment, but showing that there was effort involved. He’ll hear that your praising him and his work ethic.

Don’t make a big deal about it. You don’t want him to think he’s not smart. But when he brings home an A or wins a spelling bee, say “good job for working so hard” instead of “I’m so proud of my little genius.” There’s not a lot you can do about what others are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just switch it around to “he works hard” whenever he hears that he’s smart. Don’t compliment the outcome, compliment the method of getting there. If he reads well and the teacher says he’s smart, say something like, he’s been practicing really hard since he was in preschool. It’s not contradicting the compliment, but showing that there was effort involved. He’ll hear that your praising him and his work ethic.

oh this is a great suggestion - thanks!

[Anonymous]

Nurture Shock is not the end a

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nurture Shock is not the end a

End all be all.

Relax. You don't need to fight this. Kids figure all of this out in school. They know who's smart and who is average, and they know where they fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't flame me for this, because I'm genuinely asking if anyone else has been in this situation and how you handled.

My kid - age 5 - is a bright kid, and friendly and very happy to talk about his myriad interests with a fairly advanced vocabulary. As a result, teachers, relatives, friends' parents, strangers are constantly telling him how smart he is (good intentions of course), and he's definitely noticed, and calls himself smart - I feel like it's going to his head. From what I understand from Nurtureshock and elsewhere, that's not a particularly great message to tell a kid to set him up for lifetime success.

I try to talk with him about how there are all sorts of intelligence and how while he may find things like reading easy, some things may be harder for him, etc. but I don't know exactly how to handle this generally. Wondering if others have been in this situation and how you handled.

Don’t worry. He is not. All mothers think so. You are no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't flame me for this, because I'm genuinely asking if anyone else has been in this situation and how you handled.

My kid - age 5 - is a bright kid, and friendly and very happy to talk about his myriad interests with a fairly advanced vocabulary. As a result, teachers, relatives, friends' parents, strangers are constantly telling him how smart he is (good intentions of course), and he's definitely noticed, and calls himself smart - I feel like it's going to his head. From what I understand from Nurtureshock and elsewhere, that's not a particularly great message to tell a kid to set him up for lifetime success.

I try to talk with him about how there are all sorts of intelligence and how while he may find things like reading easy, some things may be harder for him, etc. but I don't know exactly how to handle this generally. Wondering if others have been in this situation and how you handled.

Weird, my kids all think that they are average. They never though much about it if someone said that they were smart, or tall or whatever. Does your kid often look for outside validation? That would be more of a concern for me than fairly innocuous comments from polite strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just switch it around to “he works hard” whenever he hears that he’s smart. Don’t compliment the outcome, compliment the method of getting there. If he reads well and the teacher says he’s smart, say something like, he’s been practicing really hard since he was in preschool. It’s not contradicting the compliment, but showing that there was effort involved. He’ll hear that your praising him and his work ethic.

Don’t make a big deal about it. You don’t want him to think he’s not smart. But when he brings home an A or wins a spelling bee, say “good job for working so hard” instead of “I’m so proud of my little genius.” There’s not a lot you can do about what others are saying.

This is what we do as well. We also discuss how everyone has things that come easier to them and things that come harder to them, and those things are different for everyone.

[Anonymous]

People used to o say the same thing about my kid. Very verbal, reading when he was 3, could talk to adults easily, great memory. It turned out he is very smart- 97th percentile in all types of standardized testing, etc. he is 14 now and I watched him struggle to figure out how to put an umbrella down and wrap the Velcro around it to keep it closed. No kidding. He is generally lacking in common sense. Apparently high intelligence doesn’t go along with common sense. My brother was the same way. So don’t get too excited by his intelligence. It will help him in school and on tests but he won’t be able to use it for life skills.

[Anonymous]

No big deal, happens to a lot of articulate kids.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I hate those comments too. I always add, “he works hard at everything and never gives up”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nurture Shock is not the end a

End all be all.

Relax. You don't need to fight this. Kids figure all of this out in school. They know who's smart and who is average, and they know where they fall.

+1

[Anonymous]

The messaging from you is way more important than some rando in the grocery store line who probably doesn’t even know what a kid that age “should” be able to do.

It used to make me worried, too, when people would compliment my 18 month old for having three words. It’s barely okay, not “smart”, and even if it were, I don’t want him to think that’s all there is in life.

He is now 6 and it’s fine. He is willing to make mistakes and try new things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't flame me for this, because I'm genuinely asking if anyone else has been in this situation and how you handled.

My kid - age 5 - is a bright kid, and friendly and very happy to talk about his myriad interests with a fairly advanced vocabulary. As a result, teachers, relatives, friends' parents, strangers are constantly telling him how smart he is (good intentions of course), and he's definitely noticed, and calls himself smart - I feel like it's going to his head. From what I understand from Nurtureshock and elsewhere, that's not a particularly great message to tell a kid to set him up for lifetime success.

I try to talk with him about how there are all sorts of intelligence and how while he may find things like reading easy, some things may be harder for him, etc. but I don't know exactly how to handle this generally. Wondering if others have been in this situation and how you handled.

Weird, my kids all think that they are average. They never though much about it if someone said that they were smart, or tall or whatever. Does your kid often look for outside validation? That would be more of a concern for me than fairly innocuous comments from polite strangers.

Your kids all think they’re average... at like everything? I’m not sure that’s a particularly great mindset either. OP: My oldest sounds just like yours. Super articulate, so hears all about how smart she is and no says she’s smart. I try not to make a big deal of it — and better smart than pretty or something else I’d less want her fixated on — but I worry too. I mean, she seems bright, but she’s 4.5. I have no reason to think she’s a genius and I wouldn’t want her fixated on it even if she was.