Asexual?

[Anonymous]

My daughter who is in HS recently declared that she is asexual.
I even had to look it up...
She describes it as she is not attracted to anyone, thinks that sex is dirty (but at age 13-14 spent months on porno sites...), not interested to marry, have kids etc.
She is also slightly depressed, sees therapist now.
I am not sure what to do.
She say that she is who she is and she for sure knows what she is...
She has friends boys and girls. However, most of the time she likes to spend alone...
I am concern for her future as a loner.
LGB community is very strong in her HS. She had many LGB kids as a friends (transgender and gays), so I think she may be a bit influenced too.

My major concern that she now goes around with LGB stickers and pins like "repellent" not to get in any relationships with anyone at all...

[Anonymous]

LGBT. Not sure why you’re dropping the T. That’s pretty standard, or LGBTQ.

The LGBT pins aren’t repelling anyone. If anything, they’d be a signal to people who are part of that community that she is too, at least as an ally, and it makes her approachable. The only people it would signal to stay away is straight women, but they likely would anyway, being straight women. So don’t worry about that.

Some people are asexual. It’s just not a big deal. Sexuality is fluid, and definitely could change during her life. Or it might now. The exploration she did as a young teen could have just been her way of confirming that she’s not interested in sex rather than a way of expressing interest.

Asexual is different from aromantic. Asexual doesn’t necessarily mean she won’t have intimate relationships or a family some day. Of course, she could be asexual and aromantic. It doesn’t mean unhappy or lonely, it just means uninterested in romance and sex.

If she’s depressed, keep treating the depression. It could be related to her sexuality. When that happens, it tends to come from fears of rejection or not fitting in, rather than being unhappy with who they are as a person. Or it could just be depression unrelated to sexuality. But a doctor is better situated to handle that distinction.

If she’s a loner, it’s probably because she’s an introvert, not because she’s asexual. Most of our relationships with other people aren’t sexual.

[Anonymous]

The more we profess out loud the more we beat ideas into our head. She hasn’t lived enough life to know anything. She’s doing nothing more than pigeonholing herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more we profess out loud the more we beat ideas into our head. She hasn’t lived enough life to know anything. She’s doing nothing more than pigeonholing herself.

I’m sure you say the exact same thing to your kids when they tell you they’re interested in someone of the opposite gender, right?

Aaaaaabsolutely sure you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more we profess out loud the more we beat ideas into our head. She hasn’t lived enough life to know anything. She’s doing nothing more than pigeonholing herself.

I’m sure you say the exact same thing to your kids when they tell you they’re interested in someone of the opposite gender, right?

Aaaaaabsolutely sure you do.

+1

[Anonymous]

You say nothing and do nothing.

She's just trying to get you riled up and it sure is working.

[Anonymous]

Is it a goal of yours that she ended into a relationship romantic or sexual as a teen in high school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a goal of yours that she ended into a relationship romantic or sexual as a teen in high school?

*enter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LGBT. Not sure why you’re dropping the T. That’s pretty standard, or LGBTQ.

The LGBT pins aren’t repelling anyone. If anything, they’d be a signal to people who are part of that community that she is too, at least as an ally, and it makes her approachable. The only people it would signal to stay away is straight women, but they likely would anyway, being straight women. So don’t worry about that.

Some people are asexual. It’s just not a big deal. Sexuality is fluid, and definitely could change during her life. Or it might now. The exploration she did as a young teen could have just been her way of confirming that she’s not interested in sex rather than a way of expressing interest.

Asexual is different from aromantic. Asexual doesn’t necessarily mean she won’t have intimate relationships or a family some day. Of course, she could be asexual and aromantic. It doesn’t mean unhappy or lonely, it just means uninterested in romance and sex.

If she’s depressed, keep treating the depression. It could be related to her sexuality. When that happens, it tends to come from fears of rejection or not fitting in, rather than being unhappy with who they are as a person. Or it could just be depression unrelated to sexuality. But a doctor is better situated to handle that distinction.

If she’s a loner, it’s probably because she’s an introvert, not because she’s asexual. Most of our relationships with other people aren’t sexual.

NP here. I think you misunderstood “repellant”. You are right that LGBT positive pins are unlikely to repel people, but OP’s child is wearing a pin that literally says “repellant” because she does not want people to be into her.
OP, IME with the queer community which I am part of, I’ve met a lot of young people who identify as asexual but I suspect many of them are not truly so.
Every one of them has presented with signs of social anxiety and maybe a lack of resilience.
Instead of putting themselves out there and risking “failure” or rejection, they’d rather avoid any kind of intimacy or attempt at intimacy.
Some of them have internalized homophobia. But the social anxiety is near universal.
There are some people who are truly asexual, but for someone this young, I would focus on working on social anxiety, fear of failure/rejection, but really not make too big a deal about identifying any particular way.

[Anonymous]

My son is in college and his friend is asexual.

It’s not complicated. He doesn’t want to date anybody. What is the big deal?

Why is banging random girls more acceptable?

[Anonymous]

I’m asexual. I would never wear a pin that said “repellent.” That sounds like she’s trying to keep people away from her. I have always been happy to be in relationships— I’m just not interested in sex or romance. But that doesn’t mean I’m alone. I have lots of people that I love and who love me.

If I were you OP, I would be concerned as well. Keep the communication lines open and let her explore, while continuing to see her therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP how do you know she was on porn sites for months at a time? Did you try to stop that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more we profess out loud the more we beat ideas into our head. She hasn’t lived enough life to know anything. She’s doing nothing more than pigeonholing herself.

Will you PLEASE STOP? Do you believe your HS daughter when she tells you she’s straight and attracted to boys? If so, why? She hasn’t lived enough to know anything. She’s doing nothing more than pigeonholing herself.

[Anonymous]

Either she will be asexual for the rest of her life or she won’t and it’s a phase.

If she will be asexual forever, then good for her for figuring it out now. Leave her alone.

If it’s a phase, she’s doing herself no harm by not having sex when she doesn’t want to have sex. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

OP, please listen to the advice of this PP:

“I think you misunderstood “repellant”. You are right that LGBT positive pins are unlikely to repel people, but OP’s child is wearing a pin that literally says “repellant” because she does not want people to be into her.
OP, IME with the queer community which I am part of, I’ve met a lot of young people who identify as asexual but I suspect many of them are not truly so.
Every one of them has presented with signs of social anxiety and maybe a lack of resilience.
Instead of putting themselves out there and risking “failure” or rejection, they’d rather avoid any kind of intimacy or attempt at intimacy.
Some of them have internalized homophobia. But the social anxiety is near universal.
There are some people who are truly asexual, but for someone this young, I would focus on working on social anxiety, fear of failure/rejection, but really not make too big a deal about identifying any particular way.”