3 yr old does not like Grandma...at all.

[Anonymous]

My MIL doesn’t get a long well with females. She can’t relate and acts very weird around them. I can’t really explain it. I have two kids 6 and almost 4 and she has a good relationship with my son but not my daughter. My MIL makes it very obvious she prefers my son, and just gets easily frustrated with my DD. My BIL(much older than DH) has two grown kids and she loves his son and talks awful about his daughter and almost has no relationship with her. My daughter has realized that grandma never plays with her and only plays with her brother. She also snaps at my daughter for age appropriate behaviors, like getting silly before bedtime or not wanting to get out of the bath. When my daughter won’t give her hug, she pouts and makes a big fuss saying things like “why don’t you love grandma?” Or “your brother will give me a hug.”

Well today they were supposed to pick them up to take them on an outing and my daughter would not go. I’m talking screaming “I don’t want to go with grandma!!” I tried everything to convince her that she was going to have fun, but she refused to even get in the car, it was like fight or flight. My MIL sat in the car bawling her eyes out, and even told my son “your sister doesn’t like me.” I have no idea what to do...my husband has tried to explain that my DD feeds off of her behavior, but then she just cries more and says he is attacking her. My MIL has practically written her other granddaughter off, how do I prevent the same thing from happening with my DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL doesn’t get a long well with females. She can’t relate and acts very weird around them. I can’t really explain it. I have two kids 6 and almost 4 and she has a good relationship with my son but not my daughter. My MIL makes it very obvious she prefers my son, and just gets easily frustrated with my DD. My BIL(much older than DH) has two grown kids and she loves his son and talks awful about his daughter and almost has no relationship with her. My daughter has realized that grandma never plays with her and only plays with her brother. She also snaps at my daughter for age appropriate behaviors, like getting silly before bedtime or not wanting to get out of the bath. When my daughter won’t give her hug, she pouts and makes a big fuss saying things like “why don’t you love grandma?” Or “your brother will give me a hug.”

Well today they were supposed to pick them up to take them on an outing and my daughter would not go. I’m talking screaming “I don’t want to go with grandma!!” I tried everything to convince her that she was going to have fun, but she refused to even get in the car, it was like fight or flight. My MIL sat in the car bawling her eyes out, and even told my son “your sister doesn’t like me.” I have no idea what to do...my husband has tried to explain that my DD feeds off of her behavior, but then she just cries more and says he is attacking her. My MIL has practically written her other granddaughter off, how do I prevent the same thing from happening with my DD.

Wish I could help. In the same situation here. Except it's my mother. Treats DD horrible yet feels DD is the problem. No friends because she's a total b*tch to other women.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this woman really needs a talking to. Your husband should explain to his mother all of what you’ve laid out here, particularly the anti-girl pattern.

[Anonymous]

If you think MIL is a good grandma who can treat your DD right, is find ways to get them low key one on one time. So not a big outing, but maybe MIL comes by for dinner and a visit right after big brother leaves for baseball practice. Something like that.

I’d also correct her and not tolerate her comparing the kids.

If your gentle encouragement isn’t enough to help her find a way to bond, I’d shift to protecting both your children from her. Favoritism is completely toxic to sibling relationships and I’d fight for THEIR relationship over your MILs relationship with one of them.

What’s your DH say?

[Anonymous]

I think your job here is to protect your dd not your MIL’s feelings. Let her bawl her eyes out. It’s immature and inappropriate. If your dd is uncomfortable going with another adult that you ADMIT does not treat her fairly or kindly then you need to validate her feelings and protect her. Either your MIL changes her ways regarding your dd when she is at your home where your dd feels safe and comfortable or she loses out on that relationship. Protect your kid.

[Anonymous]

Your duty is to protect your kids, not a grown adult woman who is sexist.

You need to protect your son from her behavior as well, he is just as vulnerable (if not more so). Good for your daughter’s self preservation instinct. But it’s sad that she had to do it because her parents would not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your duty is to protect your kids, not a grown adult woman who is sexist.

You need to protect your son from her behavior as well, he is just as vulnerable (if not more so). Good for your daughter’s self preservation instinct. But it’s sad that she had to do it because her parents would not.

Pp again just want to clarify I had several male relatives grow up with female matriarchs that behaved this way favoring/coddling them and it really screwed up their adulthood and chances for relationships. Protect your son AND your daughter. He sees everything you do and absorbs it like a sponge.

[Anonymous]

I'd cut her off from both kids. Life is short. I had a grandma kind of like that except she hated all kids and acted like she was doing us kids a favor whenever she was around. I avoided her as much as possible and don't regret it for a second, decades after bee death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your duty is to protect your kids, not a grown adult woman who is sexist.

You need to protect your son from her behavior as well, he is just as vulnerable (if not more so). Good for your daughter’s self preservation instinct. But it’s sad that she had to do it because her parents would not.

Pp again just want to clarify I had several male relatives grow up with female matriarchs that behaved this way favoring/coddling them and it really screwed up their adulthood and chances for relationships. Protect your son AND your daughter. He sees everything you do and absorbs it like a sponge.

+1. You’re not responsible for her feelings. The emotional manipulation abuse is outrageous. Sounds like older kids have it right: limited to no contact. I’m sure there are others who would be happy to serve as honorary grandmas.

[Anonymous]

I’m with PPs, I’d keep exposure to both kids very low and no more outings without parents. There’s too much drama involved for kids that age - if they want to deal with her BS when they get older that’s their choice, but for now you’re forcing both into an unpleasant situation to make your nutty MIL happy. Among other things, I’d be worried about how divisive the situation is for the two kids. No adult should be discussing their concerns about one sibling with the other as a her confidante.

My kids are worn out on one set of grandparents and we just typically ‘too busy’ for any overnights or anything where they have the kids alone.

[Anonymous]

Don't send her with grandma.

[Anonymous]

Age 3 is tricky time too. The fact that your MIL doesn't seem to understand that is really her problem. My kids were not very interested in my MIL either when they were very little. She's just not very good with babies and toddlers and think they should adore her simply because she's there, without doing any bonding work with them. This got a bit better as they got older. My oldest is 5 now and while she isn't always running to my MIL because she's so happy to see her, she does enjoy her company. She's learned my MIL will buy her whatever she wants and she really likes that .

So while protecting your DD for a bit, also realize that these things can shift and change as kids get bigger. The biggest red flag is you've seen her already alienate one grand daughter.

But also, where is your DH and what does he say? I suspect he is just as much part of the problem here.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe you wanted to force your daughter to go alone with her! No wonder she was scarred.

Your MIL has a track record of treating little girls terribly. Personally, I wouldn’t allow any unsupervised visits. This attitude is terrible for your son to see too.

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone else. You are not only hurting your DD but continuing to subject her to this woman, but the relationship between your kids as well. Low contact, with parents present, and immediately call out any favoritism, inappropriate criticism or in appropriate (i.e. immature/crying/etc,) behavior from Grandma. If necessary, end the visit as soon as she pushes back. She’ll either get it or she won’t, but your daughter’s self esteem and her relationship with her brother are more important than Grandma’s childish feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age 3 is tricky time too. The fact that your MIL doesn't seem to understand that is really her problem. My kids were not very interested in my MIL either when they were very little. She's just not very good with babies and toddlers and think they should adore her simply because she's there, without doing any bonding work with them. This got a bit better as they got older. My oldest is 5 now and while she isn't always running to my MIL because she's so happy to see her, she does enjoy her company. She's learned my MIL will buy her whatever she wants and she really likes that .

So while protecting your DD for a bit, also realize that these things can shift and change as kids get bigger. The biggest red flag is you've seen her already alienate one grand daughter.

But also, where is your DH and what does he say? I suspect he is just as much part of the problem here.

This is not a age thing.

The MIL was fine with toddler behavior when it was with a grandson. The MIL is always going to treat her granddaughter poorly no matter how old she is - as evidenced by her relationships with her other grandchildren.

OP, I’m really curious about how she treats YOU?