5 year old mean girl?

[Anonymous]

So my daughter's friend is apparently putting my DD down for living in a small house. WTH?

[Anonymous]

Kids that age can be very blunt. If she said "why is your house so small? That's weird. I'm glad my house is big." I think that's pretty developmentally normal. I lived in a small, objectively crappy apartment for years, and her friends would comment, not necessarily from meanness but because it was unusual to them. I encouraged my daughter to see the positive in our home (live next to a park, live across the street from a little store where we can get popsicles and candy, we hang out a lot together. It's a slow process of teaching kids to be polite and not say bluntly hurtful things and to also teach them that their worth isn't based on what others think.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. Is the kid just drawing a comparison, is she saying it in a taunting manner (we live in a big house, yours is small). If the latter, I'd defintiely coach your child on how to stand up to teasing. And also implement the strategies PP laid out.

[Anonymous]

It could be just what PP said - an observation - or it could be that her mom is a jerk and was insulting you and she's picking it up from her. In which case, it's going to get worse and stay away.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend who lives in a $2M new build in McLean. They have a huge open basement that is essentially kid-heaven (open, airy and FULL of toys). She came over to my South Arlington townhouse one day with her 4 year old son. She told him to play in our basement (small, narrow, still full of toys) with my same-aged kid and he looks at her and goes "Mom I can't play, there's NO SPACE!". HA. She was mortified and I thought it was hilarious. I'm no insecure about my house, yes it's smaller, and no I don't really care.

[Anonymous]

"Apparently putting down...." I would be careful about drawing 'mean girl' conclusions on such a young child without real evidence. That's actually a mean thing to do, but you're old enough to know better. I agree with the others that it's hard to tell what's going on. Just wait and see what develops.

[Anonymous]

My dd is going through a similar dynamic with her friend. In some instances I can see elements of jealousy (my dd daughter has a sibling dynamic that the friend doesn’t and so the friend put down other parts of my dd’s life). Other times it seems to be a control issue.

Mostly we are working on helping our daughter feel empowered to make her own decisions in the friendship (“how does it make you feel” “what could you tell her to get her to stop?” “That’s her opinion - what is your opinion?”) Were also hoping they are in different classes next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd is going through a similar dynamic with her friend. In some instances I can see elements of jealousy (my dd daughter has a sibling dynamic that the friend doesn’t and so the friend put down other parts of my dd’s life). Other times it seems to be a control issue.

Mostly we are working on helping our daughter feel empowered to make her own decisions in the friendship (“how does it make you feel” “what could you tell her to get her to stop?” “That’s her opinion - what is your opinion?”) Were also hoping they are in different classes next year.

+1, could have written this comment.

I've seen it both ways, OP, so you'll have to clarify. Kids this age making a comparison/being blunt/rude but not intending meanness in any way, and also kids who must ALWAYS make everything a competition and are trying out exclusion and other anti-social tactics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It could be just what PP said - an observation - or it could be that her mom is a jerk and was insulting you and she's picking it up from her. In which case, it's going to get worse and stay away.

+1. Where is this child learning this stuff from?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. We are working on DD stating what she does not like to this girl and for DD to feel good about what she has.

I did not provide the whole story This friend has also made some pretty racist remarks so we will likely go the stay away route.

[Anonymous]

My kids at age would just comment on things - no judgment intended. I wouldn't attach meanness to the statement unless it was obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. We are working on DD stating what she does not like to this girl and for DD to feel good about what she has.

I did not provide the whole story This friend has also made some pretty racist remarks so we will likely go the stay away route.

I don’t even understand this statement? Are you teaching your girl to be a mean girl “back”, even though this girl may not be mean at all?

I’m also curious to know how this girl is “putting down” your child? Are you hypersensitive and unhappy about living in a small house? Because the lesson about houses is not that much different than one about people, families... they are all different.

5 year olds notice things. They notice that not all houses are like theirs (your own precious may have commented to the other girl at some time.. your house is so big!). The notice people with freckles, people with disabilities, shirts that aren’t pink, people with glasses, people with different coloured skin, old people, younger people, etc. They also notice if you drive a car, and they drive an SUV, or that you serve milk with lunch instead of water. Their lives are routine, and these things are deviations from the nest categories they’ve set. It’s not mean... it’s an observation.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone, it is much much more likely this is just a 5 year who is totally developmentally appropriate aka still learning what is "nice" to say and says all observations out loud. We bought a very small home two years ago and my then 6 year old nephew (who by the way, also lives in a small house though a little bigger than the one we bought) as he was walking through it stated "wow. this is SMALL!!!" when asked what he thought by someone, "It's okay but small!!!!" He was just observing. He is now 8 and sweet as can be and I doubt he would say that now. I very much can see a convo that goes something like "maybe you can come to my house next week" -your daughter "well okay but your house is SMALL!" -friend. They're just figuring it out. Let's avoid calling little ones mean girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks everyone. We are working on DD stating what she does not like to this girl and for DD to feel good about what she has.

I did not provide the whole story This friend has also made some pretty racist remarks so we will likely go the stay away route.

I don’t even understand this statement? Are you teaching your girl to be a mean girl “back”, even though this girl may not be mean at all?

I’m also curious to know how this girl is “putting down” your child? Are you hypersensitive and unhappy about living in a small house? Because the lesson about houses is not that much different than one about people, families... they are all different.

5 year olds notice things. They notice that not all houses are like theirs (your own precious may have commented to the other girl at some time.. your house is so big!). The notice people with freckles, people with disabilities, shirts that aren’t pink, people with glasses, people with different coloured skin, old people, younger people, etc. They also notice if you drive a car, and they drive an SUV, or that you serve milk with lunch instead of water. Their lives are routine, and these things are deviations from the nest categories they’ve set. It’s not mean... it’s an observation.

The child said she does not want to play with black boys, only white ones. THat is not an observation. Yes, she likely learned it somewhere, but I don't want my children to be on the receiving end of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my daughter's friend is apparently putting my DD down for living in a small house. WTH?

No 5 yo can be a "mean girl." She may just be a brat. But only tweens and adolescents can be "mean girls" in the sense of running a deliberate campaign of harassment, etc.