Uncle who was sexually inappropriate with me-how to handle this scenario?

[Anonymous]

So I have a creepy uncle who many years ago when drunk got very touchy feely with me and made sexually inappropriate comments-this happened on two occasions (one worse and more prolonged than the other) when I was in my late 20's/early 30's (I'm in my 40's now-this occurred about 15 years ago). For various reasons, I told no one-the only person who knew about it at the time was my sister because she witnessed one of the incidents. Since then I have largely been able to avoid him aside from brief pleasantries at family events. At this point, he's an ill, elderly man. Honestly, I highly doubt he even remembers doing it. He has a history of infidelity and was apparently sexually inappropriate with a housekeeper once-I would bet money there have been others as well. When he was a younger man, he was very professionally successful and I would imagine because of that he got away with quite a bit-it was a different era. I ended up telling my husband about it relatively recently because he wondered why I have such an aversion to him (my uncle). Other than that, no one knows and I plan on keeping it that way. At this point, it would just bring other family members (primarily his wife and children) pain plus who knows if I would even be believed.

He is one of my father's brothers. Obviously I'm not close to him. I'm also not close to his wife or children although I don't have any personal issues with them-we just aren't close for various reasons (they live in a different part of the country, I don't have much in common with them, etc). My sister is close with one of his daughters-they are the same age and share interests-because of that, she is closer to the family than me. He's very ill at this point and I know this may sound odd but I'm wondering what I should do when he passes away. I really don't want to go to the funeral but feel like if I don't it's going to reflect badly on me and I'll have to deal with family judgement. Still, the thought of having to go makes me sick. I can't stand him. I know he's elderly and ill now but it doesn't erase who he was. In addition (and to make a very long story short), my father is also a very difficult person and honestly the less I spend with that side of the family the happier I am.

I know I'm jumping the gun with this and he could live for many more years (it may not even be an issue...he could outlive me-who knows) but I heard recently that he wasn't doing well and it made me think about how I'm going to handle it when the time comes.

Any thoughts or feedback would be appreciated-thanks!

[Anonymous]

Just don't go.

[Anonymous]

Make up an excuse for why you can’t make it to the funeral. Don’t go, nothing good can come from it. Don’t let anyone question you, just repeat your excuse of challenged and don’t try to justify your absence beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. You're not close to that side of the family, so what do you care about what they think? Your sister would know your reasons. I would not spend another minute dwelling on this creep.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. You are over thinking this.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. If you feel the need to have an excuse, say you have the flu or a horrible stomach bug. Provide gross details if anyone presses for more info.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. If you're worried about judgment make a donation to whatever charity they ask for or send flowers to your aunt with a "thinking of you in your time of sorrow" note.

I don't think people keep score of who came/didn't come to funerals like they do weddings - for one thing they're too short of notice to expect many out of towners to make it.

Sorry your uncle was a creep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't go. If you feel the need to have an excuse, say you have the flu or a horrible stomach bug. Provide gross details if anyone presses for more info.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go.

Also, I guarantee some of them have witnessed his abuse or have been victim of it.

[Anonymous]

No obligation to go and you have my permission to give zero f$&ks about what anyone else thinks. Govenand excise or don’t. This is your life to live and you get to make your own choices about who you remember and how. Don’t think on this further.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go. If you want, say you will and then get a “stomach virus” at the last minute. I am very opposed to lying usually but this man sexually assaulted you.

[Anonymous]

Go and give an excuse or don’t (give an excuse) is what I meant to say.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP-thanks for all of the responses. They confirmed my initial inclination (not to go).

In a general sense, I'm really glad that times are changing and that this sort of behavior is no longer being tolerated or swept under the rug.

[Anonymous]

Do. Not. Go. Done. Like others have said, if you feel the need to give an excuse, fine, but you absolutely do not owe anyone a reason. You live your best life, period.