I have no idea what my sexual orientation is.

[Anonymous]

I have always just assumed I was a straight, cis woman. When I really think about it and examine my sexual history, plus my anxieties and irregularities with intimacy and sexuality, I'm not so sure.

I have only dated men, and I have only been sexually intimate with men. But I have never had a long term relationship where I am regularly having sex with someone. A lot of this has been external/situational - like moving around a lot in my 20s.

I sometimes have a lot of anxiety over intimacy - insecurity and such, largely about casual sex vs. being in a relationship. I feel less inclined to jump into bed with anyone I'm casually dating, but there are major exceptions. I'm either infatuated or disinterested, and there is no in between. If I date someone and hit it off and find him reasonably attractive, I'm not necessarily going to be all for "yay sex!" It's almost like I'm less interested in the act of sex itself, more about sex with a particular person. Once in a great while, there comes along a person who I just can't get off my mind, that I am insanely attracted to and stimulated by the mere thought of them, but this is rare. When it's someone I'm just dating because we appear compatible but don't have that over the top chemistry, then I'd rather just use my vibrator. I won't be stimulated at all.

There is a lot about sex that just gives me anxiety and makes me wish I were not a woman. I am biologically a woman, I am very conventionally feminine, and I don't feel gender dysphoric or identify more as a man or whatever the politically correct way of saying it is, but I resent the burdens of being a woman. Pregnancy, labor, being penetrated, dealing with birth control in the form of IUDs or pills with hormones that alter your physical or mental state. I hate that women have to take on everything invasive, whereas men just have pleasure and fun.

There are times when I feel that it would be physically easier to be a lesbian. I enjoy any and all sexual acts (with a man who I have an extreme attraction to) up to the actual penetration. A lot of that is how I am physically structured. The idea of making love to a woman doesn't turn me off, but it's not something I've ever actively pursued.

I have had crushes on a handful of women throughout my life, all the way back to childhood. I recall very early having a feeling about one of my female schoolmates that I just "couldn't get enough of her." I'm not at all attracted to "butch" lesbians. I know I get turned on by curvy, voluptuous, feminine bodies - I've just never acted on it, I'm not sure how much is genuine sexual attraction versus appreciation of the female body.

Once again, I need to reiterate that I am not as frequently interested in sex as an act. Only in cases of extreme infatuation (which has never ended well, sadly). I've never thought of sex as something that just goes along with dating/getting to know someone. I've heard of the term demisexual - but I'm not quite sure that applies either? There are some cases where I really, really want sex with someone even not knowing them all that well. It's just rare. But extreme. I don't think I have low sex drive, just extremely high sex drive with very few people.
I've been afraid that I could be asexual (Ace?). Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I don't WANT to be. I WANT to be sexual and enjoy it, but more often than not, I just don't feel it...until I do.

So, what am I? Bisexual + Demisexual? Mostly straight/bicurious? Could I be an unaware lesbian who just assumed being straight, but isn't? Is it normal that I hate being a woman for physical reasons?

And yes, I am pursuing therapy, but I'd figure I'd post here to anonymously crowdsource some ideas.

[Anonymous]

Bisexual/Demisexual sound like what you're describing, and those are the labels that I use and I'm very similar to what you've described. But my main take away from what you've written is that maybe you're putting too much importance on picking a label. They're just tools for communicating and they ultimately don't mean much. Be with who you want to be with and try not to stress so much about what to call it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bisexual/Demisexual sound like what you're describing, and those are the labels that I use and I'm very similar to what you've described. But my main take away from what you've written is that maybe you're putting too much importance on picking a label. They're just tools for communicating and they ultimately don't mean much. Be with who you want to be with and try not to stress so much about what to call it.

Makes sense, and yes, labels don't matter but I'm more interested in where I can find happiness and partnership. I've been perpetually dissatisfied and disappointed with my sex and love life over the years (hence pursuing therapy) and knowing what my deal is might unlock better success, maybe?

OP

[Anonymous]

Chiming in to mention that intercourse is not a required part of a heterosexual coupling. I thought it might be helpful to hear that.

[Anonymous]

You're weird, and bi.

[Anonymous]

Demi sexual, and five. Why not try dating a woman for your next relationship?

[Anonymous]

That should say and bi, not and five! Also want to say that I agree with the first reply, that you are putting too much emphasis on labels. Think carefully about what you want to do, but don’t waste time on what you “are”. You are you. And weird or not, that is OK.