Single mom to single mom advice?
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Anonymous
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I recently became a single mom- roughly two weeks of solo parenting to a three year old. I don’t have family or friend parents, also DS father is wonderful but is currently homeless and staying with an extended family member.
To date for survival - we’ve amped up our book reading, lots of snuggle time and I have lunch with him at his daycare which is down the street from my job. I’m exhausted and while DH FaceTimes and does several hours on his retail days off, I’m struggling to find down time. I’m also struggling with sadness over the loss of our relationship. For background DH and I mutually agreed to separate. I don’t have specific questions but want to hear from single moms that are doing this well and any advice you can pass on to me. |
Anonymous
| Give yourself time to get used to it. I've been a single mom since day 1 but your situation is new and new can be hard. I always put my DS bed to bed at the same time each night (7:30) for many, many years so I had some time to myself at night. He is 14 now and he still has a bedtime just so I can have time to myself. Invite a friend over after he is in bed to watch a movie and eat pizza/drink wine. Take your DS for walks after dinner in the summer. It is the only exercise I got. You can do it but give yourself time to adjust to your new situation. GL! |
Anonymous
| thank you- OP |
Anonymous
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Routine is key, especially bedtime routine that accommodates “me time” afterwards. You need to secure your mask before assisting others, so to speak.
Most nights, our dinners are lame. I try to cook something nice once a week, staples like spaghetti that my kid will remember he loved his mom making. There are always veggies, so I never feel bad about that Kraft mac and cheese or frozen ravioli with Ragu. |
Anonymous
| 21:14- On the subject of meals, keep it simple. My son's favorite meal is breakfast for dinner. I rotate spaghetti, soup and sandwiches, roasted chicken from Sam's Club, crock pot meal and take out. I don't really make anything from scratch. Whatever I make, there are usually leftovers and leftovers are your friend. |
Anonymous
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Sorry OP - I’m 3 years from the point that you describe. It gets better.
1. Find a block for you. To cry, to pray, to sing, to masturbate. Protect it every day. I would have to move the block but self care includes structured foentome for you to keep the stamina in the long haul. 2. Find a babysitter. Kids that will watch your preschooler with a movie on for two hours for a gift card or something. If you can’t afforf a babysitter, look for a single mom swap, where you take other SM child and she takes yours and you switch. 3. Continue to save. Even if it’s $0.25 a week. There is more built in the discipline than you realize during times like this. 4. Cuddle and be present with your child. Libraries, park with a blanket, grapes and iced water, pb and j sandwiches. Splash around the fountain with her outside the retail shops. Share ice cream. Be present. The time still flies even when it’s tough. 5. Go to Pinterest to look up ideas for suggested mom schedules, cooking tips, checklists for single moms. Also good for inspiration on tough days. 6. If you haven’t already, try yo build your network really really close so when you need to do things you can consolidate errands. EG, doctor, pediatrician, ob, pharmacy, school, grocery, car service etc -/ having things 5mim away from rah other, even if you don’t live there, makes a HUGE difference on the stress of single mom logistics. For example, I centered a lot of the standard stuff around my job at times, then later around my home. Or a place that will always be 15 min from home. Counselors, lawyers, everything. This may seem extreme but it was a life saver for me. 7. Find other single moms who can relate. Find other divorced moms. But stay connected to your friends. Bring the child around environments, ask if it’s okay. I know I would meet up with old colleagues with my 4 yo in tow but it was never a big deal. She would color, maybe watch something in my phone, and we would catch up. The logistics of having things close together really helps with things like this. 8. Document as much as you can. You never know. Just summarize the day in your calendar phone or something. It doesn’t have to be fancy just accurate. 9. It’s okay to give them cheaper food. I was on food stamps at one point and felt horrible. But I made fun activities with cutting fruit, sandwich shaped, and making smoothies together. And I would feel less guilty about the 40-second spaghettios I microwaved for dinner the night before. 10. Put one step in front of the he other, and don’t look left or right, don’t compare you to others, just do you. Then the small steps will eventually turn to a stride. Be easy on yourself, lots of love to you. Also great that your ex is engaged, my ex was too, then fell off, then things got contentious. The pendulum swung again and for now things are decent. So always protect yourself with wisdom, because in doing so you’re creating your ability to protect your defenseless child. Hugs! You’ve got this. |
Anonymous
| I’m two years into being a single mom, and it is not easy, but will get better. Become friends with other single moms (and dads) - some challenges are unique to our community. Enlist your ex as much as possible, but it does sound like he has his own struggles. One day at a time. You can do this! (Also, yes, a strict bedtime is essential - you’ll need those few hours to yourself at the end of the day.) hugs. |
Anonymous
| OP HERE: just have eyes on this post and jotting things down. |
Anonymous
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If you can’t afford therapy, throw yourself to the DCUM wolves for an objective reality check. Therapy helps if you can afford it, simply because it’s such s huge life transition. Or podcasts, calm app before sleep, affirmations, journal.
It’s okay to get rx for depression, anxiety, sleep, poor diet, other issues. It works and it helps. Forget stigmas and stupid fears, nearly everyone requires some medical support as some point in their lifetime. Even the dr bronners folks want the good stuff to knock them out for a dental extraction, not just organic menthol gel. A healthy mind facing illness is doing what it is supposed to do when unexpected stress continues irregularly, and the body is forced to adjust. medicine helps get the motion functioning corrrctly, then everything else lines up on track until you’re ready to taper off. |
Anonymous
OP here: From a physical standpoint-I feel like I am sleep walking with my eyes wide open. I also blacked out on the train en route and went to get my blood pressure checked. Apparently it was low blood sugar but the doctor said this can happen when stress is involved. so I have fears and paranoia about being injured with no help or my son having to call for help in an emergency. I am actively searching for a babysitter at the moment so that I can get into therapy. |
Anonymous
| Can you find a co parenting situation with another single mom? |
Anonymous
| Don’t try to do too much. Lunch with your son? Stop. Use your lunch break for a walk, or a moment to rest. He’s at daycare and is well taken care of. Trying to do too much will lead to burn out way too fast. |
Anonymous
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I am also a single mom of a 3 year old. There are times when you will feel like you are drowning, but they will pass. I go to bed when he does (8-9 pm because he naps at preschool) and wake up early — 4 or 5 a.m. Our weekly homemade meals include tacos, stir fries (can be simple and complete meal), spaghetti, beef stroganoff, frozen pierogis, sandwich night, and a Mac and Cheese night. I always include vegs and fruit. Try not to do takeout because it is expensive and I gained weight. We go to the playground almost every night after preschool where we both run around, jump, kick a ball, etc. Weekends are free parks — Cassie’s Big Backyard for sprinklers, forest, etc., Burke Lake Park, playgrounds farther away, Touch-A-Truck, carnivals, farms, museums, etc. We also love the library and have no screen time yet. I remind myself that I am just one person and can only do so much. Have him help you clean — 3 year olds love brooms, vacuums, etc! Take deep breaths, cry when you need to, get enough sleep, and spend as much time as you can with your child playing together, singing, telling stories, hugging, etc! I will sometimes call in sick from work if I need to get things done (hair cut!) or just breathe. Make a chart of all your monthly expenses and see where you can cut back. Hugs to you and all other single moms.
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Anonymous
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My tips are similar:
1. No errands - order from Amazon, Instacart, etc. Keep wardrobe simple and minimize clothes shopping. 2. Routine is really key - we have a movie night (my DS is a little older), read books before bed, a Sunday screen-free family night 3. Keep extra classes to a minimum, we do two for his favorite two sports/activities 4. Dinner is minimal and I focus on balance not that we share an identical meal. We did Sun Basket for a while to help expose him to new foods and to learn a little about cooking. 5. Lots and lots of play dates. I got to know other families well, we do a lot of play dates since he's an only child. I don't feel self-conscious about being the only divorced/singe mom in my circle. Since I'm not embarrassed, I find no one else is. 6. I don't let whole days of the weekend go by without structure: we usually do an outdoor outing Saturday morning when he doesn't have another sport. It's self-care for me to spend a few hours in a forest, hiking, at a lake etc. too. Then we're both tired and can rest or do a play date later in the day. We go to church on Sunday. 7. After-care is an opportunity for him to have built-in playdates and run around. When I pick him up he is sweaty and has run around for an extra hour. I'm not rushing at work. 8. He goes to bed later, so I don't watch tv anymore. It's fine. My work is the kind where I can read and socialize a lot about things I care about. So I'm not desperate for enrichment that is unrelated to my career. I read a lot of books about parenting and child development. Most of my volunteer work I can do from my computer during the day or late at night. I feel like I'm contributing to causes I care about, in a way that fits in with the constraints of my life. I also have a strong support system. But we don't see each other very much outside of work hours or at work conferences. 9. I do a lot of childcare planning during work too - ordering library books, setting up outings and play dates, and so on. 10. I don't spend money on expensive travel, or private schools, or anything like that. But I buy him a ton of books, organic food, toys, we have time to do a lot of outings together, we're very close. |