Could someone help me figure out what my sexuality is?

[Anonymous]

Ever since I was a kid, I've always thought I was straight. Eventually, I became exposed to LGBT culture and started exploring a little on my own. When I was a teenager, I had huge crushes on boys, but strangely enough, I never felt any desire to have sex with them. When I started dating my first BF at age 15, I just did not want to have sex with him. I think he took it personally, and I had trouble explaining to him that it's not about him, it's just something that happens with me. Except it kind of wasn't.
I remember being turned on at the thought of doing it with guys, but to me there was a detachment between romantic/emotional and sexual. I just felt that if I fell in love with a guy, it would be embarrassing to have sex with him. I feel like it would be too vulnerable for me to see him in such a situation- idk, it messes with the whole complex in my mind. However, if it's a guy I barely know and a one-night stand, I'd probably be ok with that.
Now onto my issues with the opposite sex(my own). I've dated one girl for a short period. It was college, nothing serious, we were both experimenting. This is when I discovered that I wasn't really emotionally/romantically attracted to girls, but I think I was sexually attracted to them. However, again, I experienced the disconnect- I think it was really about my own body in this case, having a female friend see my own body which I wasn't really comfortable with at the time. However, I still haven't overcome this disconnect.

I've been exploring sexuality and asexuality and I think I might be heteroromantic, gray-asexual(I seem to have the opposite of demisexual) but also bisexual? I don't know. I need you to help me out here.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're just not ready to have a sexual relationship. For many people, love, commitment and sometimes even marriage need to come first before that level of physical intimacy feels right, which, if you think about it, makes a lot of sense based on the depth and seriousness of the emotion and commitment involved.

[Anonymous]

I can’t follow.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know but maybe if you went to therapy and began exploring your own body issues then things would become clearer for you. Sounds like you need to do some self exploration instead of labeling yourself.

[Anonymous]

The label is not so important. What matters is figuring our what and who you like (and you are allowed some trial and error along the way!), and being kind and as honest as you can with people. If you are in a romantic relationship and you think that your partner would like (and might assume) that it might turn into a sexual relationship, and you don't want that, be honest. Likewise, if you are in a sexual relationship that you would like to remain casual, be clear -- make sure that the other person is fully consenting to that.

And find something non-sexual that you can do with your body that you like. Dancing, or swimming, or hiking -- something where you connect with your ability to physical things.

[Anonymous]

You have intimacy issues, this is not a sexuality issue.

What happened in your childhood?

[Anonymous]

I don't fully understand by my DD identifies as something called "fraysexual" which is where any sexual attraction fades after initially meeting someone (basically the opppsite of demisexual if you've heard of it.) Don't know if this applies, but maybe it helps.

[Anonymous]

I’m old, but I really think these hyper specific labels young people are using these days are going to make it so much harder to find satisfying long-term relationships. If is really unfortunate to hear people as young as 11-12 who have never so much as held anyone’s hand trying to sort themselves into one these categories. Lose the labels, OP. Human relationships don’t work that way.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore people telling you to stop looking for a label if you think that will help you work through what you want. I personally don’t do labels (if I had to, somewhere on the ace/bi spectrum but I stick with queer because labels stress me out) but they can be empowering, especially if you’ve been feeling like you’re doing it all wrong your whole life.

That being said, I would also focus less on trying to identify how you feel about abstract groups and more about what you want in relationships with actual individuals (and be upfront with those individuals about what you know you’ll want and what you’re unsure about).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have intimacy issues, this is not a sexuality issue.

What happened in your childhood?

This was my first thought, too.

I was sexually abused from age 8-16 and my sexuality has been affected. I identify and live as a lesbian, but I have heterosexual fantasies sometimes. The man is always faceless, personless. Sexuality divorced from emotion. I think that's an artifact of my history. Had I not been abused by a man, I have to imagine I would have different associations with men sexually. I doubt I'd be straight, but I think I might not have hetero fantasies -- they feel sometimes like a power play. Me trying to win my power back.

I will say, OP, you sound young. I didn't come into my full sexual life until later (again, probably because of my history). But when I did, it was entirely organic -- I didn't have to think about it. I just knew what I felt and that it was right for me. It turned out to have a label, but that really isn't important.

Which is easy for me to say, because back then there were only two possible labels. Well, three, but "bi" was considered a bit flaky.

[Anonymous]

Why are people replying to a post from 2019 and expecting the OP to reply?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people replying to a post from 2019 and expecting the OP to reply?

That's a pretty good question. I was also wondering why the OP did not begin by telling us what their gender was. I was very confused trying to figure it all out.