I think I have to end a friendship over their kids

[Anonymous]

Long story short my friebds’ Sons are so disrespectful. I cannot take it anymore. She’s a lovely person that will bend over backwards for me but her kids behavior is atrocious. They act very similarly to how my abusivd ex does and I think that’s what really sets me off. Last night I disciplined one boy more than she did. Am I just a crazy parent?

[Anonymous]

See her without her kids if you really like her.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

Spend less time together for a bit and see if that helps.

[Anonymous]

Don't end the friendship, just transition to a "dinner and drinks next Thursday night" type of relationship. It's natural as the kids get older for you to do this anyway...your kids join different sports teams or get other interests and you have to make the time to see each other in different, less kid focused ways to make the friendship last.

[Anonymous]

I did what PPs are suggesting... got away from meeting with her at her home or inviting her to mine when I knew the kids would be present. Started setting up only meeting at restaurants or out for coffee.

She did finally ask why we never met at our homes and why our kids never had play dates and I admitted it was because her daughter was terrible. She was very upset, as most parents would be, and our friendship ended shortly after.

Do I miss her? Yes, 6 years later I still miss our fantastic friendship that we had for 8 years before her daughter was born and for about 5 years after she was born. Our kids are in different school districts so the only time I've seen her is across the field at a sports game. We have some mutual friends and from what I hear, I made the right choice. Her daughter is now almost 12 and a classic mean girl bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did what PPs are suggesting... got away from meeting with her at her home or inviting her to mine when I knew the kids would be present. Started setting up only meeting at restaurants or out for coffee.

She did finally ask why we never met at our homes and why our kids never had play dates and I admitted it was because her daughter was terrible. She was very upset, as most parents would be, and our friendship ended shortly after.

Do I miss her? Yes, 6 years later I still miss our fantastic friendship that we had for 8 years before her daughter was born and for about 5 years after she was born. Our kids are in different school districts so the only time I've seen her is across the field at a sports game. We have some mutual friends and from what I hear, I made the right choice. Her daughter is now almost 12 and a classic mean girl bully.

You ended a friendship over a 5 year old?

OP, how old are the kids you're talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did what PPs are suggesting... got away from meeting with her at her home or inviting her to mine when I knew the kids would be present. Started setting up only meeting at restaurants or out for coffee.

She did finally ask why we never met at our homes and why our kids never had play dates and I admitted it was because her daughter was terrible. She was very upset, as most parents would be, and our friendship ended shortly after.

Do I miss her? Yes, 6 years later I still miss our fantastic friendship that we had for 8 years before her daughter was born and for about 5 years after she was born. Our kids are in different school districts so the only time I've seen her is across the field at a sports game. We have some mutual friends and from what I hear, I made the right choice. Her daughter is now almost 12 and a classic mean girl bully.

You ended a friendship over a 5 year old?

OP, how old are the kids you're talking about?

DP.. from what I read, the other person ended the friendship. PP tried to keep the friendship going. I don't blame PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did what PPs are suggesting... got away from meeting with her at her home or inviting her to mine when I knew the kids would be present. Started setting up only meeting at restaurants or out for coffee.

She did finally ask why we never met at our homes and why our kids never had play dates and I admitted it was because her daughter was terrible. She was very upset, as most parents would be, and our friendship ended shortly after.

Do I miss her? Yes, 6 years later I still miss our fantastic friendship that we had for 8 years before her daughter was born and for about 5 years after she was born. Our kids are in different school districts so the only time I've seen her is across the field at a sports game. We have some mutual friends and from what I hear, I made the right choice. Her daughter is now almost 12 and a classic mean girl bully.

Wow. I don't think this other women misses you at all. A 5 year old is terrible?!

[Anonymous]

Are you planning on telling her that you are ending the friendship? If so, you are very immature. Taper off, and slowly distance yourself without any idiotic proclamations. It is called growing up.

[Anonymous]

I recently ended a friendship in part over differences in parenting styles & values. I never thought I would do something like that, but the fact is that we mainly socialized with our kids because schedules are too crazy. And I just could not put my kids and her kids together anymore. I also admitted to myself that I had a hard time respecting her as a person due to her parenting choices. I didn't make a point out of dramatically ending the friendship (and I guess I'll take her up on any invitations to spend time without the kids) but I was pretty clear that our kids would not be in the same room any more.

[Anonymous]

It can’t be much of an actual friendship if the only quality you have to say about her is to like how she will bend over backwards for you.

Without knowing her, I’m going to extrapolate that she bends over backwards for everyone, and could use a supportive friend and not one who is going to judge her for being the person she is.

[Anonymous]

I'd like an example of these kids' behavior and their ages (those of you who said you ended friendships over kids).

[Anonymous]

I don't know, there are people whose kids are so poorly behaved I don't seek to develop a friendship with them. For example, the kid at the park who hits his Dad when his Dad doesn't have the toy the kids wants. The Dads response? To cross the street to their house and get the kid the toy. I don't want my kid playing with that kid. Most of my friends have similar parenting styles, there are some differences but they are things that none of us consider a big deal. But I can see limiting time with friends whose kids were poorly behaved and whose parents don't correct the poor behavior.

[Anonymous]

Wow. No, I would not. I would offer my friend support and find time to get together with just her to hear out her side of the situation.

You do realize that children's behaviors are not always reflections of their parent's right?

We as moms are told so often to find time for ourselves, to distance ourselves from our children's shortcomings, to relax, etc., but then we have to be worried that our friends might leave us because of how our children act?

As a parent of a very difficult child with behavior issues (which we are working on with medical counsel) this breaks my heart. And this is why I never want to open up to my friends about my struggles. I do feel inadequate and I do feel judged, and it causes me a ton of anxiety. More time with my friends, and a little grace and understanding would help.

Please don't leave your friends who have difficult kids. They need you the most.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks everyone. Our kids are the same age (11) and on the same swim team. My dd can’t even stand to be around them and she generally gets along with everyone. We are part of a big group of friends where all the kids get together at the same time as the adults. It’s a bit complicated and I just don’t know how to handle it. I know that by the end of the summer I will end up snapping on one of her kids and it won’t be pretty.