What do you think of gaydar?

[Anonymous]

What do you think accounts for what people identify through so-called “gaydar”? Learned social cues? Gender expression correlated with but not synonymous with sexual orientation? If you are gay (particularly male), did people guess before you were open about it? Did that change over time?

I have a teenage nephew who I have a strong feeling may be gay but I have been struggling with why I think that. (I care only from the perspective that I would want him to know that I’m supportive whoever he is.)

[Anonymous]

Go with your Gaydar... You’re probably right about your nephew.

[Anonymous]

Mine sucks and people seem to always chose me as the first person they first come out to so I no longer assume anyone is straight.

[Anonymous]

Definitely exists for a reason. If you think your nephew is gay, you are probably right.

For the same reason so many parents already knew even before their kids came out.

[Anonymous]

I had four friends who remained closeted for a long time, eventually coming out as adults. Almost always coordinating with their first serious same sex relationship. With each one my response to their coming out was "sounds about right".

But. Before each came out I'd often have other friend say "Mike is gay right?" and I learned that the most compassionate thing was to say "maybe, but it's not really any of my business". It did make me more conscious of how I talked to them. Saying "any new love in your life?" instead of "how are the ladies?" or things like that.

So that's my only advice. Stay open in how you talk to him and let him know you a) are supportive of gay rights and b) ask him open gendered questions.

He'll come out when he's ready. Which may not be any time soon.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about your nephew. If you're supportive no matter what, then it doesn't matter whether he's gay or straight or something else.

[Anonymous]

I think your concern/understanding of who your nephew is is borne out of familial closeness and concern, not gaydar. Try to look at it thru that apolitical lense. Parents (and by extension maybe aunts and uncles) know their kids. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about your nephew. If you're supportive no matter what, then it doesn't matter whether he's gay or straight or something else.

[Anonymous]

I’m gay. 41. I definitely believe in gaydar. My husband thinks I’m nuts but I am very rarely wrong (which he fully acknowledges) . Only works on guys and I have no idea whether I could tell with a child that young, but even the guys I was sure were are gay who identified as straight eventually came out. I could probably count on one hand the times I was wrong (unfortunately one was a crush I overtly flirted with at a college swim party- then again I haven’t looked him in Facebook, so maybe)

Do I think straight people have good gaydar? Hell, no. The ones you are 90% sure after knowing them for a while I am seriously 100% sure in 30 seconds.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian with pretty accurate gaydar.

In college, I went on an extended trip with a bunch of other students. One of them, who I met on the trip, pinged my gayar hugely -- we joked about it, because she said she was straight. Halfway through the trip she started seeing another female student in the group.

Also been right about two of my nephews -- knew before they hit puberty.

[Anonymous]

Here comes the stereotyping. I am a straight looking/behaving gay man. Don't talk with a lisp or an artsy affectation or big on interior decorating. I have never had another gay man even hint that he thinks I am not straight. Would love to know how 11:51 picks this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here comes the stereotyping. I am a straight looking/behaving gay man. Don't talk with a lisp or an artsy affectation or big on interior decorating. I have never had another gay man even hint that he thinks I am not straight. Would love to know how 11:51 picks this out.

11:51 here. I just know. By the way I hate “straight looking/ behaving”. Forgive my crassness but you have sex with guys. That is very gay behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What do you think accounts for what people identify through so-called “gaydar”? Learned social cues? Gender expression correlated with but not synonymous with sexual orientation? If you are gay (particularly male), did people guess before you were open about it? Did that change over time?

I have a teenage nephew who I have a strong feeling may be gay but I have been struggling with why I think that. (I care only from the perspective that I would want him to know that I’m supportive whoever he is.)

I don't really understand the second part. If you let your nephew or child that you are supportive of LGBT people and love him no matter what, and he ends up being straight, how is that a problem?

It was important to me that my kid knew that I supported him whatever his orientation. It was something we talked about a fair amount. It turns out that my kid is straight and cis. He's also a strong ally to his LGBT friends and classmates. So, my efforts paid off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here comes the stereotyping. I am a straight looking/behaving gay man. Don't talk with a lisp or an artsy affectation or big on interior decorating. I have never had another gay man even hint that he thinks I am not straight. Would love to know how 11:51 picks this out.

As another "straight acting" gay man who had many friends very surprised when I came out, I've spent enough time around gay men to have a pretty accurate gaydar. If you think its solely the cliches you are mistaken. It's not a question of passing someone on the street and thinking, oh, he's gay. But when you spend enough time around someone you pick up little cues and the more cues you notice the more likely he is gay. I've noticed straight acting gay men can have their own cues that are unique to them as opposed to the stereotypical camp gay men.

Besides, I'm quite polite. I don't call someone out for being gay even if I think he is.

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes when the radar is pinging but you can’t identify exactly why, it’s more about traditional masculine/heterosexual attributes that are missing rather than stereotypical gay attributes that you have picked up on.

And I believe that there are plenty of people, gay or not, who just don’t send out any noticeable vibes one way or another. I don’t believe anyone who claims that they “always know.”