Anyone got any DIY marriage counseling tips?

[Anonymous]

Background: together 20 years. One kid, 10 years old.

We recently had a conversation during which my wife told me that she feels disconnected and wants more intimacy. We do mundane things together all the time, so it's not a matter of not seeing each other, or just needing a date night. We're both willing to work at this. We have some time together on Friday and I'd like to propose some exercises or activities we can do to try to connect more emotionally. Outside counseling is a possibility but for various reasons I'd like to see if we can make any progress by ourselves.

So far the most interesting thing I've found is the "36 questions" (NYT - https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html). Does anyone have any advice or other ideas? Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Wow if you’re both open and committed to this then the world is your oyster! It’s a great place to start from. I agree about exercising together, hikes/walks, participating in new experiences that neither one of you has done, sharing intellectual and emotional ideas and questions, touching and hugging. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

DH and I did ballroom dance classes. It was fun!!

[Anonymous]

OP - how much are you on DCUM? I ask because it's an outlet. If you are expressing yourself, here, you are probably not as available as you should be to your wife. Get off DCUM, or similar.

[Anonymous]

Cooking classes, dance lessons, wine tasting classes (basically something you do as a team that's not too serious and can be fun, something you might also want to do with a friend).

Take a child free vacation. Send your child to relatives or send your child to overnight camp.

[Anonymous]

You should each write down a list of possible things and then compare notes. Each take a turn at doing something you want to do together. Sounds nice.

[Anonymous]

In premarital counseling, the counsel had this seemingly stupid homework assignment for us to once each day sit facing each other and touching each other (nothing sexy-just physically connected), and ask each other to tell us about one thing that made us happy that day, one thing that made us sad, and one thing that made us scared. It was cheesy as hell, but sort of helpful for building intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Great to hear you are both on board!

I really like John Gottman's books so I bought these. Haven't yet used them, but maybe they would help you:
https://www.gottman.com/product/rituals-of-connectionopportunity-cards/

There are several similar products that might help.

[Anonymous]

I truly believe this is a case for medical marijuana.

[Anonymous]

I did the 36 questions, I think that's a great place to start. And Gottman's love languages.

You could do a book club type thing ... pick a book, buy two copies, read them and critique them together. That's a lot of work, but might be interesting.

How about games? Like scrabble or bananagrams? But you must be close and touching.

it's hard to be open and honest.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I also think the ballroom dancing classes sound great. My sister absolutely loved doing them with her DH. It kept them going.

[Anonymous]

We did a ropes course (Sandy Spring Adventure Park) and it was great. Something about facing fears together and overcoming obstacles is exhilarating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - how much are you on DCUM? I ask because it's an outlet. If you are expressing yourself, here, you are probably not as available as you should be to your wife. Get off DCUM, or similar.

that, and the fact the "advice" and perspectives given here are extremely toxic if not misandric

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, there are some terrific suggestions! I like the idea of doing something that's new territory for both of us. I'm a klutz (she is not) so perhaps the hilarity of me trying to learn ballroom dance would be a bonding experience.

I also like the "tell each other one thing" exercise. I don't care about cheesy. We've seen each other at our absolute least dignified, cheesy is fine.

I really appreciate the ideas. If anyone has any more, please continue to share.

On a sadder note, our Friday date had to be cancelled due to her work suddenly calling her in. Booooo. I was kind of excited about surprising her with some of these ideas and now I'm bummed. But we're going to try for some time next Friday instead, unless we can carve it out beforehand. Sigh. That's life in the real world.

Thanks again for the ideas, everyone. I'll report back how it went. At the very least I hope having some ideas to offer will show her that I want this too, and open up a conversation about what kind of things make her feel emotionally connected (I am honestly not sure that I understand, and I think what makes me feel connected is different from what makes her feel connected.) But we have to start somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Touch her more often in non sexy ways with zero expectation of sex. Women touch people more often than men do, and men often expect touching to lead to sex. So just touch her forearm when talking to her, walk past and pat her shoulder, just simple touches.

Also listen. You just make it a point to listen more to her. Don't offer advice or solutions - just listen to what she has to say about her day or her boss or whatever. Later, maybe make a point that echoes her point, or say, I was thinking about what you said and ......

Ask her opnion of things. A dilemma at work, or buying a new shirt, or something. Or a problem in your local community or nationally. Listen to her advice.

Don't save it all for date night/ special occasion. Not every night, but often we do "rose bud thorn" at dinner. Everyone says one thing good that happened to them that day (the rose), one thing bad (the thorn) and one thing they're looking forward to (bud). Another family I know does two peaches (good things) and a pit (bad thing). Just keep talking openly. Knowing how your partner thinks builds intimacy.