Sensitive kids and activities

[Anonymous]

DD 3 is very sensitive and somewhat rigid. She's smart and outgoing but just really can't adapt to new situations (complete opposite of dh and I). I'm not sure what I should be doing. We get her excited about various activities but when she gets there she sobs uncontrollably. We've talked about it, watched youtube videos of activities beforehand and she loves being around other kids. This happens with the dentist, babysitters, camp, dance and today with swimming. She LOVES to go swimming but doesn't know how to swim yet. We signed her up for lessons. Today was her first class and the second she saw the instructor she wouldn't get back in the water and sobbed for 30 minutes. She wouldn't even get in the water just to play with me. We've never made it to the dentist yet.

She always has had a personality like this where change is difficult. She would go on bottle strikes as an infant even and has a particular baby doll she sleeps with or she won't go to sleep.

Any tips? Or am I just out the money for an entire summer of swim classes?

[Anonymous]

My 4 year old daughter is similar about swimming. SO EXCITED about "swimming" but we get to the pool and she says, "I'm not so sure about this"

We've taken it really slow. The first time, we just sat with our feet in the water. The next time, she sat on the steps in the pool.

I think it's hard with lessons when your kid is this way. There's a set time and you want your kid to be in the water to get the most of of it, but a kid like this needs a lot of time to feel comfortable; it just doesn't work with lessons.

To try to salvage some of our lessons, we got a hotel room at a place with a pool and just sat there for a few hours on consecutive days. She got MUCH more comfortable during that time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have a neighborhood pool right across the street and could go daily if that helped. We already go weekly. It seems like when we want her to do something she thinks it's a bad thing and will refuse. We know she's sensitive so we go slow.

We were able to finally get her to be okay with a babysitter by letting the babysitter dress up as Elsa and Anna and bribe her with candy. No amount of bribery was going to get her near the pool today.

[Anonymous]

She's 3! Maybe you are over scheduilng her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 3! Maybe you are over scheduilng her.

OP here. No way. We don't have her in any activities other than daycare because she can't handle them. The pool closes on labor day, so either we try swimming now or wait another year. I don't want to force her to do fun things, but I'm not sure what the alternative is. She just misses out. At home she begs us to do different activities and to go do things.

She just seems anxious in general and we aren't sure what to do about that.

[Anonymous]

Oh, that sounds just like my son. I have such "fond" memories of first classes...soccer, swimming, gymnastics, the first class was always a hot mess. Some times he got better; he enjoyed gymnastics for example, and did it for 2 full years, but he did cry that first class when he had to separate from me. He hated soccer and swimming, we ended up dropping out of those. (And restarted again later, which was successful.)

I remember going to a Little Gym party and man, he was just in tears the entire time. And it was all his friends that he had known forever, the teenagers running it were super nice.

He's 9 now, and let me say he is *completely* different. He is so outgoing and social, he does lots of activities and sports. He started getting better after age 4. He does get nervous of new situations, he doesn't want to try lots of different camps, for example.

Age 3 was definitely the worst of it. I remember taking him to a swim lesson and he freaked out. To my chagrin, as a FTM, I flipped out on him and told him I was so disappointed in him for not even trying. Not my best moment. Now 6 years later I can't believe I over-reacted like that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a child who behaves similarly. I have to say, now that she's 4, things have gotten a lot easier. Lightyears different than 3.

All I can say is it requires patience, which is really frustrating when you're spending money.

[Anonymous]

12:17 again. I just read your post when you said your DD went on bottle strikes as a baby. DS *never* took a bottle. My MIL watched him when he was 4 months old for a month while we waited for our daycare spot to open up, and he NEVER took a bottle from her. The daycare eventually got him to drink using an open cup at 5 months old.

Sounds like our kids are kinda similar! My DS is awesome now. He is such a fun and funny 9 year old (albeit one that does drive me plenty crazy). I bet your DD will grow out this phase too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a neighborhood pool right across the street and could go daily if that helped. We already go weekly. It seems like when we want her to do something she thinks it's a bad thing and will refuse. We know she's sensitive so we go slow.

We were able to finally get her to be okay with a babysitter by letting the babysitter dress up as Elsa and Anna and bribe her with candy. No amount of bribery was going to get her near the pool today.

12:17 again. Swim lessons were a complete failure at age 3 for DS. We did spend a lot of the time at our neighborhood pool when he was 4 and 5, and those summers, I hired a lifeguard to give him private lessons. I remember when he was 4, the thought of swim lessons did send him into tears again but he did get over it and learned to swim a little bit. When he was 5, he was wayyyy better about the summer swim lessons with a (different) life guard and learned how to swim that year. Then he did group lessons that year and the next year he joined swim team at age 6 (and ended up loving it so much he now swims year round.)

Definitely just go to the pool and hang out and let him have fun in the water without pushing him to learn how to swim. Puddle jumpers, baby pools, lots of toys, that's how we did it.

[Anonymous]

3 can be a tough age and it will likely change. I found it to be the height separation anxiety as well.

I'm also wondering if all of the hype before hand is putting too much pressure on her? My son really can't handle pressure and does much better if we keep it casual and just go. Sometimes highlighting the 'big' feelings make them more stressed.

Maybe just take a very casual approach to the next activity?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your girl is anxious, and has worries about new situations. Totally understandable at 3. It sounds like she may have an anxious personality overall, and you would like to help her manage it. Parents are really, really important in how we react, and our natural reaction to anxiety is often the opposite of the most helpful way to react (i.e. when the kid is anxious we often reassure "oh, there is nothing to be afraid of! It will be fun!" when research shows it is actually most helpful to challenge the fear "so what would happen if they DID laugh at you? What would happen then?"). This book is a little old for your DD, might might help you coach her: Anxiety Free Kids. My kid has anxiety and we started with a therapist who used the author's methods. It helped quite a bit. My sibling's kid also did CBT at age 5 and it was very helpful. Obviously I am not recommending therapy for a 3 year old, just that you think through the principles and methods of CBT and use them to respond to your child's anxieties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:17 again. I just read your post when you said your DD went on bottle strikes as a baby. DS *never* took a bottle. My MIL watched him when he was 4 months old for a month while we waited for our daycare spot to open up, and he NEVER took a bottle from her. The daycare eventually got him to drink using an open cup at 5 months old.

Sounds like our kids are kinda similar! My DS is awesome now. He is such a fun and funny 9 year old (albeit one that does drive me plenty crazy). I bet your DD will grow out this phase too.

OP here. hah Well she refused bottles for an entire week when starting daycare and then finally got sick of being hungry and took bottles. At 12 months we had to try about 10 sippy cups before she would grudgingly take it. Complete opposite to my second child who just took whatever and drank from it. At 6 months he stole her milk sippy cup and drank the entire thing.

I want to make sure I'm not adding to her anxiety. DH and I are very easy going and aren't anxious about anything, but we try so hard to be gentle to her and let her feel her emotions. We've tried the dentist 2x now and I'm not sure if I'm willing to waste another $90 on the experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your girl is anxious, and has worries about new situations. Totally understandable at 3. It sounds like she may have an anxious personality overall, and you would like to help her manage it. Parents are really, really important in how we react, and our natural reaction to anxiety is often the opposite of the most helpful way to react (i.e. when the kid is anxious we often reassure "oh, there is nothing to be afraid of! It will be fun!" when research shows it is actually most helpful to challenge the fear "so what would happen if they DID laugh at you? What would happen then?"). This book is a little old for your DD, might might help you coach her: Anxiety Free Kids. My kid has anxiety and we started with a therapist who used the author's methods. It helped quite a bit. My sibling's kid also did CBT at age 5 and it was very helpful. Obviously I am not recommending therapy for a 3 year old, just that you think through the principles and methods of CBT and use them to respond to your child's anxieties.

Anxiety is what I was going to bring up. DD is now 6 and still anxious at new activities. Helping her understand what will happen beforehand is key and work through the different outcomes so they don't seem so unexpected. PP has great advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 can be a tough age and it will likely change. I found it to be the height separation anxiety as well.

I'm also wondering if all of the hype before hand is putting too much pressure on her? My son really can't handle pressure and does much better if we keep it casual and just go. Sometimes highlighting the 'big' feelings make them more stressed.

Maybe just take a very casual approach to the next activity?

OP here. We were having trouble getting her on board with the day's activities (for instance she'd tantrum when she saw what was for dinner even if it was a food she liked) so we read that we should start going over the day's activities with her. It worked really well so that's what we've been doing. Now when we discuss having chicken and vegetables for dinner she understands and expects it when dinnertime comes. She likes knowing who is coming to visit and asks us questions in the morning about what we're doing today. I can try not mentioning it.

For our next swim lesson we were going to be in the pool playing with her before the instructor comes to see if that makes a difference. And maybe having him give her candy (which is a super last resort, but we're desperate). My parents and inlaws both have pools and we're going to the beach around labor day so we'd like for her to start learning to swim.

[Anonymous]

I may be the odd one out but doesn’t sound like anxiety, sounds more like a brat. She won’t sleep unless she sleeps with a certain doll? She knows you will cave in with candy. Psh no.