grade obsessed 6th grader
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Anonymous
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She's the type of kid who has an A+ average but still does the extra credit "just in case." DH and I don't put the pressure on her (I swear!), she puts it on herself. On the one hand, it's nice that she's motivated. On the other hand, the motivation really only extends to the grade. She's not really interested in/engaged with the material besides the gradebook. Any suggestions for how to shift the focus a little?
(FWIW, we're in MD, but not Montgomery County.) |
Anonymous
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This sounds like.... a good problem to have
Just tell her that the best way to get good grades is to truly understand the material and it also is the most useful for the rest of here life too |
Anonymous
| Anxiety. Does it extend to other things? |
Anonymous
I was like this as a kid but as the workload increased in high school, I couldn't keep this level of perfectionism up. I might have had a little bit of anxiety but nothing anybody did about it back then. |
Anonymous
+1, this definitely sounds like anxiety. Keep an eye on it. As she approaches high school she may need some professional help. Not to scare you but to inform you, I know a girl this happened to and when she got to high school she has cried nearly every day and upsets easily. Signed, Mom of a daughter with social anxiety disorder |
Anonymous
Good. Lots of kids like this in the dmv area and elsewhere in America and the world. Keep it healthy and keep the high standards. |
Anonymous
What sports or arts has she liked in the past and want to apply herself to now? Pick 2 or 3 |
Anonymous
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The problem you describe about only really caring about the grade and not the material is going to bit her in then end. This is a learning style that puts everything in short term memory -- enough to get the grade, and then it's gone. This could become a problem when she has finals, but more to the point, she may be getting good grades without actually learning much, which will be apparent in any interview or conversation. The biggest problem with that is if the foundational knowledge isn't actually ingrained, she will struggle in more difficult classes that depend on that knowledge.
The opposite kind of kid, who is interesting the the material, learns it, but gets Bs for making mistakes or not turning things in or not studying, will actually have more knowledge and be able to discuss what they know and build on the knowledge in upper level classes. Can you enroll her in a summer academic course that does NOT have grades or evaluations to see how she learns when there is no external motivator? |
Anonymous
| If she is focused only on the grade, she may be defining her self worth by the grade. Perfectionism is a terrible burden the older kids get. One of the best things that happened in middle school, and again in high school, was my 2 kids taking challenging classes and getting a B in something early on. Took away the burden (but oh the anxiety and stress about it at the time). Find something challenging for your daughter that she likes, but that she won't always be the best at (science or math competitions for example.) She needs to learn to value the task or learning for itself, not the external validation. |
Anonymous
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My daughter is like this too. She has plenty of non-academic interests, so I don't worry.
I worry about my son, though. Not only does he need his work to be perfect ("A" doesn't even being to cut it, he has his own standards!), but he's interested in the subject matter as well. He spends all his available time on school work. It's obsessive and not good for the development of his social skills, and the rest of his non-academic identity. |
Anonymous
| make sure she knows all the things you love about her that have nothing to do with academic performance. talk about your own imperfections and emphasize that when you devote that much energy to one thing, something else is sure to suffer, and you value balance. |
Anonymous
| I think we have the same daughter. It led to a High Honor Roll Award for 4.0's all year, the teacher's love her, and we will buy her anything because she is kind, sweet, adorable and focused in addition to that. We do not push her either and will help when she requests it. |
Anonymous
OP here, finally circling back. To answer some of the questions, she's a shy, sometimes anxious kid, but I wouldn't say her shyness hits the level of anxiety -- at least not yet, though we did have a handful of nights this year when she was in tears over various homework assignments. DD has a few interests outside of school that she pursues half heartedly because her friends do them (soccer, basketball), but she DEFINITELY doesn't have the eye of the tiger in sports or in anything else that she has for grades. Over the course of the semester, she'd check grades online repeatedly in the course of one night. My big concern is that she doesn't really seem to engage with the school material beyond checking the boxes to get good grades. In response to the above poster, I don't think my DD's teachers love her because she's too quiet and, in some ways, robotic. They seem to love the kids who, however imperfect, bring passion into their work. And we don't reward her by buying her things because of her grades because we want to emphasize that, hey, the grades are great, but there's also more to life than having a perfect score in all your (what I suspect are too easy for her) classes. |
Anonymous
Aha! My daughter loves her projects and assignments and really takes interest in what she is learning about. I suspect some of her classes are easy but she says they are fine and already GT classes. I spoil too much. I cannot help it. She does not ask for too much and most are related to her hobbies. |
Anonymous
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This was me as a kid. I wouldn't worry so much except keep doing what you're doing -- emphasize that grades are not everything and emphasize that mastery of the material and critical thinking is important too. For me, having good grades was my "thing" -- it was what I was good at, whereas other kids were good at drawing or soccer or whatever. There was a certain satisfaction in seeing the 98s and 99s and 100s come in, kind of like trying to achieve a high score in a video game. It wasn't even anxiety, just liked "achieving" and it came pretty easy.
On the plus side, the same achievement-oriented focus that got me good grades also made me a great standardized test-taker. I killed the SATs. That and good grades opened up a lot of college options. I did engage with the school material and take an interest in the subject matter, but that came later as I matured -- HS I think. She's got time. I wouldn't worry too much. |