Afraid I will never find a true partner

[Anonymous]

Mid-thirties, divorced. Left husband because he cheated and was abusive. Have dated one man I was absolutely crazy about, but he didn’t want a future with me, so I ended it. I’m just so sad and scared I’ll never find someone I love wholeheartedly, who loves me the same way.

[Anonymous]

Hey, that’s ok to not have a partner. Better to be single than with the wrong partner.

Get out of the mindset you need a man to be happy and fulfilled. And start doing the things that bring joy to you. You have to be ok with not finding someone or you will end up latching on to the wrong guy out of desperation

[Anonymous]

What work have you done to understand why you chose someone who ended up being abusive? What qualities did he have that drew you in? What signs would you look for so that you don’t pick another jackass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, that’s ok to not have a partner. Better to be single than with the wrong partner.

Get out of the mindset you need a man to be happy and fulfilled. And start doing the things that bring joy to you. You have to be ok with not finding someone or you will end up latching on to the wrong guy out of desperation

OP here. I am very fulfilled in my life - I have a rich “inner world.” I’m busy, I have wonderful friends, I enjoy my own company, I enjoy life! But I also enjoy companionship and the intimacy of a committed romantic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Being sad and scared will not attract the kind of partner you want. Being sad and scared will bring you right back to someone like the first guy. Figure out how to reframe this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What work have you done to understand why you chose someone who ended up being abusive? What qualities did he have that drew you in? What signs would you look for so that you don’t pick another jackass?

I’ve been in therapy since my marriage ended, two years ago. I was raised in a dysfunctional environment- both of my parents have serious issues. My pattern historically drew me to “bad boys,” and distinguishing what makes a 40-year-old a “bad boy” has been interesting to parse out. I’ve grown so much in terms of self-awareness, and my self-esteem is higher now than it’s ever been.

In short, I’m a work in progress, but I’ve done an enormous amount of healing and learning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being sad and scared will not attract the kind of partner you want. Being sad and scared will bring you right back to someone like the first guy. Figure out how to reframe this.

This is the truth. What can I say? I don’t feel down or sad consistently - I have a full and happy life. But when I see a couple that seems to embody the qualities I would like in a relationship - mutual respect, fun, kindness - yes, I am sad that I haven’t had that in my life. And I am scared that I won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, that’s ok to not have a partner. Better to be single than with the wrong partner.

Get out of the mindset you need a man to be happy and fulfilled. And start doing the things that bring joy to you. You have to be ok with not finding someone or you will end up latching on to the wrong guy out of desperation

OP here. I am very fulfilled in my life - I have a rich “inner world.” I’m busy, I have wonderful friends, I enjoy my own company, I enjoy life! But I also enjoy companionship and the intimacy of a committed romantic relationship.

And sometimes (most of the time) you don’t get every single thing you want out of life. Take what is good in your life and be content with that. It is enough. Maybe you will meet someone, maybe not.

[Anonymous]

OP: are you fat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: are you fat?

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, that’s ok to not have a partner. Better to be single than with the wrong partner.

Get out of the mindset you need a man to be happy and fulfilled. And start doing the things that bring joy to you. You have to be ok with not finding someone or you will end up latching on to the wrong guy out of desperation

OP here. I am very fulfilled in my life - I have a rich “inner world.” I’m busy, I have wonderful friends, I enjoy my own company, I enjoy life! But I also enjoy companionship and the intimacy of a committed romantic relationship.

You sound like you are in a good place but what kind of effort are you making to find someone. When I read wedding announcements I'm amazed by how many couples met through dating sites.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, the only partner you can rely on is yourself. That just how life is. If you live with someone and have kids, it can really make you happy. But only you can look out for you.

[Anonymous]

You sound like me OP, minus the abuse. It IS scary sometimes. I think you have to honestly just accept that it's a possibility and maybe it's not what you wanted (or thought you wanted) but it's not the end of the world. Trust me, I realize that sounds a lot simpler than it is in reality, but what choice do you have? You've got to make the best of the situation. It doesn't mean give up on dating or anything, but reframe your outlook.

[Anonymous]

I've read a couple of stories lately about how young white men who feel sad and lonely because they can't find a partner turn to the Internet and then become Nazis. You could try that.

[Anonymous]

My godmother was in her 70’s before she finally found her partner and she was wonderfully happy for almost 20 years before passing away. You just never know.