I’ve been too lax and now I need to change - help!

[Anonymous]

For tons of reasons, but also not ex ting to make excuses, I’ve been too laid back a parent. I also have a spouse that’s completely not engaged in parenting. I need help though. I have a child who’s deep into marijuana use, is unmotivated, and is slipping through the cracks. Also has anxiety and depression (I do too). This child absolutely refuses therapy and taking away privileges has never really worked. I don’t know what or how to get things on track around here.

[Anonymous]

It's difficult to give advice because it sounds like there is an underlying issue that needs to be addressed first.
If you're not ok and dad isn't ok (detached) it will be really hard to expect kid to fly right.
I suggest working on you and dad first. If dad won't get help, you need to work out a way to get another adult, maybe even father figure, involved

[Anonymous]

If he won’t participate in therapy maybe you need to consider residential treatment.

Also this may not be a parenting fail - sounds more like mental health problems.

[Anonymous]

Ten years ago, friends like that did a boarding school for their 14 year old. He showed remarkable improvement and asked to return. He did all 4 years and then joined the military. His parents couldn’t offer him the structure he craved. He said he actually like juvie because the adults were consistent.

[Anonymous]

Are there other behavioral issues or is your child more withdrawn and apathetic? Age?

Any interests to capitalize on?

[Anonymous]

If the kid won't go to therapy, you should. A family therapist could help you figure out how to motivate your kid.
Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Medication?
Incentives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the kid won't go to therapy, you should. A family therapist could help you figure out how to motivate your kid.
Best of luck.

This.

[Anonymous]

Ease into it. Basically you checked out of parenting and your kid stepped in and started raising himself. That's how he sees it and to an extent it's true. So start making small boundaries and work your way up.

[Anonymous]

Anxiety is a terrible illness. It requires patience and love by the parents. He needs to be shown that you care, not by punishing him. Punishing kid with anxiety always back fires. First you need to take him to a psychiatrist and talk about medication being more effective than pot for treating it. Then you have to be with your child all the time when he is not in school. Yes, I quit my job. I don't regret it. You need to go for dinners and lunches all the time with your DS, on the weekends, evenings. You need to stop letting him go out. He is also doing this for attention, you see that right? I have dealt with a child with severe anxiety since he was 4 years old. My DS is in college and just got into business school and he also has an LD. Yes, he also started drinking in college,(which might be normal for all college kids) and says things like "it makes me feel better." He had a major crisis just this last school year, but not with grades and to the point that I was going to drive to college and pick him up and bring him home. All this can happen even if you are fully engaged parent to a child with anxiety. Please ask any question if you think I can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ten years ago, friends like that did a boarding school for their 14 year old. He showed remarkable improvement and asked to return. He did all 4 years and then joined the military. His parents couldn’t offer him the structure he craved. He said he actually like juvie because the adults were consistent.

Are you serious?

[Anonymous]

As a side story, teens want attention and will do anything to get it. My niece was overlooked as a child, older sibling had issues and yet somehow he was the golden child. She became severely overweight, anxious, depressed, ditched school and hospitalized. Just last month she told me she did it all to punish mom that didn't care. I have posted in some prior threads that SIL told me few years ago that she has washed her hands off of her DD! Not a joke. Kids want attention. My poor niece told DD that her mother doesn't love her. I fully believe that teens need more attention than younger kids.

[Anonymous]

Boarding school or military boarding school. Nip it now while you still have a chance to turn it around. You don’t want your kid to end up on drugs or dying because of an addiction. There are plenty of wealthy families who lost children to drugs I.e. the SC Johnson & Co daughter (the one who used to party with Paris Hilton)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ten years ago, friends like that did a boarding school for their 14 year old. He showed remarkable improvement and asked to return. He did all 4 years and then joined the military. His parents couldn’t offer him the structure he craved. He said he actually like juvie because the adults were consistent.

Are you serious?

My dad was sent to a military boarding school after he was rebellious. He really liked it and also excelled afterwards. Think outside the box. I also had a roommate who had been out of control and her dad tricked into some sort of out door boot camp program for troubled teens. Worked wonders.

[Anonymous]

In similar situation. Didn’t really realize the ramifications of lax parenting until I realized that the kid wanting to control me was turning into the kid wanting to control people at school too. If your son is oppositional one of the things you need to consider is how healthy your relationship is with him. Advice I’ve gotten is that the relationship you have with your child is the most important thing and often it’s a broken relationship that drives kids into deeper trouble. Start by trying to slowly build your relationship with him. Offer complements as often as you can. I know it’s nearly impossible some days but if the kid does something right please tell him that. Dish in the sink, up on time. Anything just find natural ways to complement and heal the relationship. Kids like this get so much negative feedback they are probably craving something positive from other people.