How to stop the ‘gifts’?
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Anonymous
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I’m a minimalist - I don’t have or like clutter. But I understand not everyone is like this. Normally if I get something I don’t want or need, I graciously say thanks and quietly recycle or repurpose.
I have a new SIL. Both she & my brother are currently unemployed and living off of assistance from my parents. She seems to be glued to the home shopping channel. Being nice about accepting these ‘useful gadgets’ is putting a strain on my parents - literally they can’t afford for her to keep gifting stupid things. I’m trying to get my parents to put them on a monthly allowance instead of an open-ended credit card, but it is a miserably slow process. Please help me wordsmith a nice way to tell her to stop spending money she doesn’t have. I sincerely like her & don’t want to offend, but I’m so annoyed, I think it will come out poorly. |
Anonymous
| Talk to your brother. |
Anonymous
| Maybe it’s her love language. Could you try to get her to gift in other ways? Like baking? |
Anonymous
| Are these gifts for a birthday or Christmas? If so, tell her you don't want to participate in the gift giving anymore. If not, simple tell her you don't have the physical space for more stuff. Blame yourself and make it about you. |
Anonymous
| Talk to your brother but it is really up to your parents to put a stop to it. It's their money. |
Anonymous
OP here. I think you’re right. In some way, she wants to be seen and appreciated as being generous. But this style of ‘generosity’ (essentially spending $ my parents will need for elder care in not many more years) is having the opposite effect and making me feel resentful and super annoyed. In a weird way, I feel like she’s placed her own need to seem generous above my parents’ need to be taken care of in their old age with money they worked really hard at to earn for themselves. Does that make sense? I love that she has brought joy into my brother’s life, but that is starting to get eclipsed by resentfulness toward her spending habits. I feel like my parents are getting taken advantage of. It’s not just for birthdays or anniversaries - it’s for random times too. And it’s not just for me - it’s for my parents and others. Just random weird stuff no one needs or wants. I just don’t know how to tell her *nicely* to chill with the shopping. |
Anonymous
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I have bitten my tongue and said thank you to countless gifts over the years and now in middle age I am more assertive. There are certain people we have "no gifts" rules with. I make it clear the only gift we want is to enjoy their company, but we will no longer be accepting material gifts.
My SIL has "borrowed" many thousands of dollars from him and she is a huge gift giver. Never returned the money, but buys everyone crap they don't need. We had to make the boundary clear and stick to it. |
Anonymous
| How about "Let's go out to dinner" instead of a gift? |
Anonymous
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I honestly think that for some people, shopping is a compulsion— The Atlantic just had a thing about how online shopping is particularly powerful because you get the “hit” of feeling good when you buy and then again when it arrives.
I know it sounds a little crazy, but I would read what people do when folks have gambling or other issues and see if you can find some nuggets that could be used to help. A budget would be a first start for sure |
Anonymous
| Can you send them back for a refund? |
Anonymous
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Next time she will give you something say "oh, another gift, you are too kind.. you gave me so much I literarly have nowhere to put them anymore. Please, it is so sweet and kind of you but I really can not accept anymore gifts, just this one okay?
You need to know that I love you without any gifts you are the gr eaterst gift in my life that my husband gave me, I always wanted to have a sister just like you so nothing you can give me can beat that so let's not subsidies the Shoping Channel and the makers of the goods but let's keep the money in the family for the hard times that can come and then it will be like life saving thing. Maybe the parents will be in need in their old age, you know. things happen.. so let's try to slow down this love shower okay? Hug hugh hug.. |
Anonymous
And put the refund in a separate account for your parents that she doesn’t have access to. |
Anonymous
That's pretty cringe-worthy. Don't say that, SIL is not 4yrs old. |
Anonymous
Please. This is stupid. IF OP can return the items, she’ll still be stuck with the shipping charges. Also, just about every store returns items to the original payment method. You guys just have to talk to them. If I was your parents a condition of helping your brother financially would be to cut up the credit cards and get on a budget. This conversation should go through your brother first and then include her. Your family badly needs boundaries. |
Anonymous
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If your brother and his wife are living on assistance from your parents, the easiest way to cut down on the gifts is to lower the assistance. If your parents are giving them so much money that SIL can spend all day shopping, they are giving too much!!! You can talk to your parents about lowering their financial support to your brother. Pay their rent/bills directly if you have to. Make it clear the support is contingent on them not going into credit card debt. |