Custody

[Anonymous]

What does it mean exactly for a parent to have full custody and once ruled is it a permanent ruling or is it always open for discussion/appeal based on changed circumstances, etc?
For example, I would ideally like to have full custody of my son. I welcome and encourage his dad to visit but I would like to be able to approve/disapprove the nature of the visit. Taking my son away from me to another town, not approved. Overnight in town is fine. Is there such a thing, where one person can call all the shots.
Me and dad were dating when I got pregnant. He wanted me to abort but I wouldnt. He is now in son's life but very bitter with me and still finds room to say that he never wanted to be a father in the first place. I love my son dearly and have no qualms caring for him 24/7. Yes it is tiring but it is my joy. I just dont want to have to deal with dad and his negative attitude. I also want to be able to make sure that he doesnt rub any of that negativity off on my son. He doesnt deserve it.
Thanks in advance

[Anonymous]

To answer this, it would be help to know what your son's dad wants and how old your son is.

[Anonymous]

Son is 19 months and dont know what son's dad wants as i've yet to have the discussion with him. I just want to know my facts before even entering with the question: would you mind giving me full custody of our son?
I am fairly sure that he does want to be in son's life in some way but would want me to be the primary caretaker. I shudder at the idea of a 2 year old having two residences, etc...

[Anonymous]

I'm mulling this over ... Even if you are primary caretaker, visitation could involve two nights or more at his place. If he's not forcing the issue, maybe you should live and let live. If you force the issue, it might get his back up. But this is purely hypothetical! DC started doing overnights at DC's dad's when DC was 2.75, it was harder on me than on DC.

[Anonymous]

OP, I appreciate your situation, but I think you are making a mistake. Your son has one father. You should try to use your energy to see that your ex can be the best father possible for your son, not try to find ways to marginalize his role. It will not help your son to think that one parent was a total loser who didn't care about him. Give your ex MORE reason to make great decisions for your son, not less reasons.

I was you. And thankfully, now I'm not. I love my ex (as a father) and my son has two great parents who equally care for him. I realize not every situation is the same, but all I can say is that I did get full custody, precisely because the judge had no evidence that we could EVER make a decision together. Despite this, I realized after several years the only one who was being hurt was my son. And once I loosened the reigns, I realized what a wonderful father my ex was. So my advise comes from the heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I appreciate your situation, but I think you are making a mistake. Your son has one father. You should try to use your energy to see that your ex can be the best father possible for your son, not try to find ways to marginalize his role. It will not help your son to think that one parent was a total loser who didn't care about him. Give your ex MORE reason to make great decisions for your son, not less reasons.

I was you. And thankfully, now I'm not. I love my ex (as a father) and my son has two great parents who equally care for him. I realize not every situation is the same, but all I can say is that I did get full custody, precisely because the judge had no evidence that we could EVER make a decision together. Despite this, I realized after several years the only one who was being hurt was my son. And once I loosened the reigns, I realized what a wonderful father my ex was. So my advise comes from the heart.

Thank you for your advice. I am precisely in this treacherous situation becasue I was thinking the way you are. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness so my baby can have a father around daily to see him grow up and bond with him through the tender first years. Now I am living with a man who barely talks to me, acts like Im a non-person and to me this is not good for my baby. I dont want him to get the idea that this is how adults interact. It also depresses me which is also not good for baby. I want my son to experience his mother in loving, amicable relations. At his tender age I only want him exposed to love. There will be plenty of time for him to know/feel the ugly feelings in life. I dont think a baby deserves to feel ugliness being put out towards his mother and I believe babies can sense a lot. Hence my question. I still would want him to be in baby's life but would also like to be in a place to give ultimatums: grow up and be nice/get over your bitterness towards me or at least pretend/man up and get over the fact that you had no control in my decision OR move on and come back when you can. I simply dont want my baby feeling that ugly attitude. And it makes me feel sad because if he ever found out why his dad hates me, how would he feel? Dad hates mom because mom chose to keep me? Its just not nice. The sad part is that I can see what a great dad he is and how much more potential he has. But at what cost? Maybe when my son is older I could stomach the hatred better for now...cant do it.
So I do have a question, you say you have full custody: What does that mean exactly? Did dad have to consent or did judge grant you your wish based on dad's lack in some area? What rights does father have?
Thank you again for taking the time to help me think this through. I appreciate your sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm mulling this over ... Even if you are primary caretaker, visitation could involve two nights or more at his place. If he's not forcing the issue, maybe you should live and let live. If you force the issue, it might get his back up. But this is purely hypothetical! DC started doing overnights at DC's dad's when DC was 2.75, it was harder on me than on DC.

I hear you. At the same time I dont want to spend my life being on pins and needles kissing dad's behind and smiling even when he's being unkind to me for fear that if I show him how I truly feel or respond in a way that he doesnt like, he might be less caring about my motherly need to have my baby around me always. He might decide to take my baby on a trip or whatever and he can because he is equally parent. I just dont wnat to have this looming threat. And to me the idea that someone whom I dont see eye to eye with on anything much less childrearing philosoply can just take my child rightfully is indeed a looming threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I appreciate your situation, but I think you are making a mistake. Your son has one father. You should try to use your energy to see that your ex can be the best father possible for your son, not try to find ways to marginalize his role. It will not help your son to think that one parent was a total loser who didn't care about him. Give your ex MORE reason to make great decisions for your son, not less reasons.

I was you. And thankfully, now I'm not. I love my ex (as a father) and my son has two great parents who equally care for him. I realize not every situation is the same, but all I can say is that I did get full custody, precisely because the judge had no evidence that we could EVER make a decision together. Despite this, I realized after several years the only one who was being hurt was my son. And once I loosened the reigns, I realized what a wonderful father my ex was. So my advise comes from the heart.

Thank you for your advice. I am precisely in this treacherous situation becasue I was thinking the way you are. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness so my baby can have a father around daily to see him grow up and bond with him through the tender first years. Now I am living with a man who barely talks to me, acts like Im a non-person and to me this is not good for my baby. I dont want him to get the idea that this is how adults interact. It also depresses me which is also not good for baby. I want my son to experience his mother in loving, amicable relations. At his tender age I only want him exposed to love. There will be plenty of time for him to know/feel the ugly feelings in life. I dont think a baby deserves to feel ugliness being put out towards his mother and I believe babies can sense a lot. Hence my question. I still would want him to be in baby's life but would also like to be in a place to give ultimatums: grow up and be nice/get over your bitterness towards me or at least pretend/man up and get over the fact that you had no control in my decision OR move on and come back when you can. I simply dont want my baby feeling that ugly attitude. And it makes me feel sad because if he ever found out why his dad hates me, how would he feel? Dad hates mom because mom chose to keep me? Its just not nice. The sad part is that I can see what a great dad he is and how much more potential he has. But at what cost? Maybe when my son is older I could stomach the hatred better for now...cant do it.
So I do have a question, you say you have full custody: What does that mean exactly? Did dad have to consent or did judge grant you your wish based on dad's lack in some area? What rights does father have?
Thank you again for taking the time to help me think this through. I appreciate your sharing.

Well, all I am saying is to at least consider that the man who is horrible now to you can change. I understand you always need to do what is best for your son, and part of that may be lying your ass off to him to make him think dad is great.

Anyway, my situation was very unusual. I have full custody (legal). My son did have frequent visitation with his dad (two nights a week until bedtime, returned to my house; and every other weekend). It meant I could have the final say. But I did have to share everything with his dad.

At this point it's kind of moot. We basically agree on everything big, and so 'my' decision is really our decision. Over the years since my divorce, I don't know that I have ever had to use the power of the final decision, but it was comforting knowing I could, especially during the early years.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

21:46 again. Still not clearr ... you two are living together? And you want separate places? If so, then obviously that will force the issue of visitation. Even if you have primary custody, I doubt you would be able to get an agreement where your child's father was not allowed to travel with your child. Unless he'd agree to it, which is probably not likely given visits to family and summer vacations. If he wants to be involved in your child's life, your child will benefit enormously, even if it means sacrifices on your end (less control, less time with your child). I know a divorced mother with primary custody and the children spend two or three nights a week at their dad's. Primary custody does not mean zero overnights and total control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:46 again. Still not clearr ... you two are living together? And you want separate places? If so, then obviously that will force the issue of visitation. Even if you have primary custody, I doubt you would be able to get an agreement where your child's father was not allowed to travel with your child. Unless he'd agree to it, which is probably not likely given visits to family and summer vacations. If he wants to be involved in your child's life, your child will benefit enormously, even if it means sacrifices on your end (less control, less time with your child). I know a divorced mother with primary custody and the children spend two or three nights a week at their dad's. Primary custody does not mean zero overnights and total control.

This is true. I have 'full' legal custody, but my son has had overnights (wherever...not just 'in town') since he was 2 and extensive time for traveling. Legal custody only means if you can't reach agreement on matters the final say is yours. However, your husband can take you to court whenever he feels that decision is not in the best interest of the child, and visitation/time with the other parent has NOTHING to do with legal or physical custody. This you have to accept early on: This child is going to be spending lots of time with his dad, unsupervised by you, where your husband can make the day to day decisions all fathers make. And of course that it how it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Also OP I've been thinking about your situation and I think you need to be careful how you present yourself to a lawyer because lawyers and judges are sympathetic towards fathers who became fathers against their wishes. The back story here could work against you, not him, because he had parenthood foisted on him by circumstances and now you want full control regarding custody when there are two parents in the picture. (And the system bends over backwards to keep fathers in children's lives. So proceed diplomatically. Dad being hostile with you doesn't mean your child should be shortchanged with time, etc. My child's father treats me like dirt but that doesn't give me grounds to get more time with my child. Also, do you know that child support is pegged to overnights? So the more time your child spends with you, the more child support you receive? This is often a catalyst for some fathers to get more overnights, to reduce payments. Emphasis on some! Most fathers love their children and want time with them. Especially as the children get older and become little people. Again, so much of this depends on what your son's father wants, and if he's available, lives nearby, lives responsibly. That's the way it works.