Does anyone else have a spouse needlessly stressed about money?

[Anonymous]

We are late 30's and have two ES aged kids in public school. We have no debt aside from our mortgage on our house, which is about $3200/month but only because its on a 15 year note. We own two cars that are in decent shape and have life left in them. We have $80k so far in each child's college fund. Retirement + other taxable investment accounts exceeds $1M. I grew up working class/middle class and I think we are in awesome shape.

But spouse is constantly stressed! His career has sort of leveled off - its fine, but he seems to be unable to break past his current salary range, no matter where he looks. His income is still impressive and more than enough (low 200's) but I guess he always imagined it would just keep going up up up. I don't think that's realistic for most people who also want work/life balance which he does. I work PT but he's pressuring me to go full time and I don't want to. I feel like we are in a great place of getting household chores done, having free time with the kids, etc. and I don't see any reason to rock the boat. If he wanted me to work more so he could work less, I could see that. But he doesn't. He just wants more money flowing into the bank accounts for some abstract reason. We are not trying to increase our lifestyle (he doesn't want this either) - he's just obsessed with watching the savings grow.

I'm not sure what my question is. I guess its why won't he just relax and enjoy his success? We're FINE!

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

He might have anxiety. Or there’s some other factor you don’t know about. Maybe he is worried about his health or you living to be 100 after being widowed.

My DH is now older than his father, grandfather, and great-gf ever got. He is also much, much more financially stable than any of them (dad was a pt musician who worked in a factory, grandfather and great-gf were sharecroppers in the Jim Crow Deep South). Nonetheless, he worries that he doesn’t have enough to take care of me and the kids if he dies. It’s sweet, but silly. I have worked since I was 12 years old. I plan to work until 68. Two of the three kids are launched. The third is scary smart and independent; will likely start college at 16 and earn sufficient scholarships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might have anxiety. Or there’s some other factor you don’t know about. Maybe he is worried about his health or you living to be 100 after being widowed.

My DH is now older than his father, grandfather, and great-gf ever got. He is also much, much more financially stable than any of them (dad was a pt musician who worked in a factory, grandfather and great-gf were sharecroppers in the Jim Crow Deep South). Nonetheless, he worries that he doesn’t have enough to take care of me and the kids if he dies. It’s sweet, but silly. I have worked since I was 12 years old. I plan to work until 68. Two of the three kids are launched. The third is scary smart and independent; will likely start college at 16 and earn sufficient scholarships.

Has he heard of life insurance?

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is my DH. I have wanted to go part time for years (80%), but he will not support that idea. He also is always stressed about money and doesn’t understand the idea of enjoying today because we don’t know what the future holds. He is in saving mode all the time. I know it sounds like a good thing on paper but there has to be a balance.

[Anonymous]

^^^^
I forgot to mention that he’s in a commission based position and refuses to get into a field that is more stable. But because he insists on being in sales he insists that we need the stability of my full income. So essentially he gets choices and I don’t since my work solely exists to provide stability since his income isn’t stable. Reducing my income by 20% for me to go part time isn’t an option but if he doesn’t earn as much one year then that’s just the nature of sales. It has led to a lot of resentment, especially since going part time would help me health wise since I have two autoimmune diseases and I work in a physically and mentally exhausting field.

[Anonymous]

I think I have the same problem as your DH. Realistically I know we are more than fine financially but I cannot relax and let the what ifs go

[Anonymous]

You say "needlessly" but he brings up a valid point about what would happen if he lost income. Life insurance would cover some if he dies, but what if he's incapacitated or becomes disabled? Life insurance won't work then unless you get very costly variable-life with provisions - they also are not great investments for people at your income level - you don't need to shelter investment growth that makes it worthwhile.

I think the conversation is really about the stress that financial planning for the family is entirely dependent on his earnings. You may like your lifestyle but as the kids age, there isn't any real reason to keep working part time instead of full time.

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite problem. I'm a SAHM who doesn't feel we are financially stable enough, but my husband is super relaxed and optimistic and doesn't see why I should go back to work. We have a child with special needs who does need a lot of supervision, so that complicates matters.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible he thinks the overall balance of work/home stuff is unfair and that you don't contribute enough overall? If you guys split the house and kid stuff 50/50, but he works FT and you work PT, I could see that being an issue regardless of money (although it might manifest itself as a money issue). Is it possible that he does not want to stay at his $200k/year job forever and sees additional savings as a way to broaden his opportunities or the family's opportunities? These are just questions--I obviously no nothing more about your situation than what you have shared here.

[Anonymous]

My DH does have similar anxiety.

I work part time but I make 6 figures & I have told him he has to accept that - of course he would love it if I worked full time but I’m not willing right now. Basically I cannot stop working just for his mental sake. I mean we do need the money I make too - but some people scrimp to have a SAH spouse and he has way too much anxiety to consider that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I have the same problem as your DH. Realistically I know we are more than fine financially but I cannot relax and let the what ifs go

This me too. And to make things worse we just had a serious medical emergency that wiped out all savings except retirement - and we were really close to borrowing from that too. And that hadn’t even been on my worry list. Also, we were involved in three car wrecks in a year, none our fault, and the cars were totaled so we unexpectedly had to get new (new to us) cars and lost time from work due to injuries. About two years ago, we were sitting really pretty when it came to finances and now if we needed a new roof, we’d have to borrow money.

I could never handle my spouse being part time - too much pressure on me. I couldn’t go part time either because I’d worry about money.

[Anonymous]

OP, he may feel less anxious if he wasn't dealing with the money. Can you manage it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, he may feel less anxious if he wasn't dealing with the money. Can you manage it?

OP here. I'd love to and have offered. But he'd just check it all behind me (even he admits this.)

And I do handle all of the house/kid stuff except for what we outsource (e/o week housecleaners.) He mows the lawn, which I've offered to hire out but he refuses. If I went back full time I'd definitely want him to take some of the household/kid stuff from me, but I don't see that happening. He hasn't offered either.

[Anonymous]

Is there an amount he is trying to reach? Can you help get there and maybe he will relax?