Advice finding child or family psychologist

[Anonymous]

DD is a young 4 and doesn't have any "issues" that warrant therapy or the like. She's great in every way except when it comes to peer interactions. She's shy and uncomfortable with other kids except for her cousins, which is odd in a way because she sees her classmates everyday and her cousins only a couple times a year. I know that it's probably mostly her age and she'll grow out of it, but in the meantime, we have unpleasant situations and stress on my part because I don't know what is the right thing to do for her. She hates going to preschool (but is "okay" not great when she's there) and I've thought about homeschooling her, but am told this will make whatever social issues she has worse. I'm basically at a loss as to what to do and would like to consult a psychologist to help with 1) what to do for her and relatedly, 2) help with my resultant stress. First, should I be looking for a child psychologist or a more general family psychologist who can help with #1 & #2? How do I find one that will be a good fit for us? I've asked for referrals and come up empty. My health insurance has a directory of psychologists, but I don't know how to screen them to find a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is a young 4 and doesn't have any "issues" that warrant therapy or the like. She's great in every way except when it comes to peer interactions. She's shy and uncomfortable with other kids except for her cousins, which is odd in a way because she sees her classmates everyday and her cousins only a couple times a year. I know that it's probably mostly her age and she'll grow out of it, but in the meantime, we have unpleasant situations and stress on my part because I don't know what is the right thing to do for her. She hates going to preschool (but is "okay" not great when she's there) and I've thought about homeschooling her, but am told this will make whatever social issues she has worse. I'm basically at a loss as to what to do and would like to consult a psychologist to help with 1) what to do for her and relatedly, 2) help with my resultant stress. First, should I be looking for a child psychologist or a more general family psychologist who can help with #1 & #2? How do I find one that will be a good fit for us? I've asked for referrals and come up empty. My health insurance has a directory of psychologists, but I don't know how to screen them to find a good fit.

Well, the real answer is you are trying to figure out if there is an issue that warrants therapy, or you would not be seeking therapy. What you actually need is an evaluation to determine if there is a need that should be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked your pediatrician for referral? May also want to consider parenting classes so you know what is developmentally typical and what you can do as a parent. Think 4 years is awfully young to worry about this. Set up playdates with planned activities your child would enjoy doing with the other kid.

[Anonymous]

This local practice often organize social skills groups for preschooler. They are reliable and collaborates also with my dc preschool.
http://www.growingmindstherapy.com/

[Anonymous]

Does your school have a counselor? That would be the first person I'd ask.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. Any child psychologist worth their weight that works with the early childhood age range will plan on having a big portion of the sessions be for parent support as there is only so much therapy a 4 year old can do, providing parents with the tools is a big part of the puzzle. A 4 year old could do some play therapy, I’m not saying they shouldn’t be involved but I would just explain that you’re looking for support both for your daughter and for you in learning some strategies to help her, understand what is happening, how to respond etc. and I think that would feel extremely appropriate to a good child psychologist. That being said they wouldn’t be there in a just solely supportive role around processing your stress around it so if that’s a need you may want your own separate therapist but I think likely the child psychologist (or social worker, they provide the bulk of counseling in this country, psychologists actually do more testing along with counseling) will likely meet your needs.

I disagree with the other poster that you need some big evaluation or testing before talking with someone. A therapist/social worker/psychologist can recommend testing if warranted after they do their own initial assessment and work with you all. I used to work in this field for what it’s worth. Ask around for a recommended therapist for very young children in your area and start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Any child psychologist worth their weight that works with the early childhood age range will plan on having a big portion of the sessions be for parent support as there is only so much therapy a 4 year old can do, providing parents with the tools is a big part of the puzzle. A 4 year old could do some play therapy, I’m not saying they shouldn’t be involved but I would just explain that you’re looking for support both for your daughter and for you in learning some strategies to help her, understand what is happening, how to respond etc. and I think that would feel extremely appropriate to a good child psychologist. That being said they wouldn’t be there in a just solely supportive role around processing your stress around it so if that’s a need you may want your own separate therapist but I think likely the child psychologist (or social worker, they provide the bulk of counseling in this country, psychologists actually do more testing along with counseling) will likely meet your needs.

I disagree with the other poster that you need some big evaluation or testing before talking with someone. A therapist/social worker/psychologist can recommend testing if warranted after they do their own initial assessment and work with you all. I used to work in this field for what it’s worth. Ask around for a recommended therapist for very young children in your area and start there.

I guess I should clarify that there ARE some therapists that are strictly play based working with the child and might feel that the parent has to have their own separate therapist because they view their relationship as with the child and only want to have one relationship in the room. L so would only do play based sessions with the child. I didn’t find this very effective because the parents are so integral to the child’s life, so this wouldn’t be my choice especially in your situation but wanted you to know that exists in case you run into that. You could ask on an intake call if the therapist works with both the parents and child. Play based therapy with the child and helping the parent with skills and understanding.

[Anonymous]

What is her current preschool schedule? My shy daughter really came out of her shell socially when we enrolled her in a 5-day, 6 hour per day program. When she did half day she was missing out on time that the fulll-day kids were there and didn’t develop as strong of a bond. She also didn’t truly like school until she switched to the non-napping group and wasn’t forced to lie down awake for an hour every day.

Assuming this is just shyness, homeschooling is probably the worst thing you could do for her. Like any other fear, you get over it through exposure. I say this as someone who was a very shy child whose parents never made me step out of my comfort zone.

[Anonymous]

Try this group:
Jonah Green and Associates
Therapy for children and families

Each LCSW specializes in different things, so it’s important to get someone who works on the things you want to. You can look at their website to see what ages their therapists work with, etc - or just call them and they'll have a good sense of what you will need.

I direct a preschool with some very shy (anxious) children. I mean a 12 out of 10 scale. it can be very debilitating. Some of them enrolled in the Preschool Shyness study at UMD. That is done, now, but we learned some things as we worked with children going through it:

The children worked on "being brave" and "having courage" to do the hard thing (and when they did, they got stickers which led up to a BIG GIFT when they'd gotten 5 or 8 stickers).

It was explained as a "ladder" - you start at the lowest rung, which is the easiest thing to do, and then when the child has mastered that (90% of the time) you move to the next rung (harder thing).

Example: for a shy person, saying hello as you enter a room is HARD HARD HARD. Because everyone is looking at you, you need to call attention to yourself (ugh) and then saying something to boot? Yikes.

But, saying goodbye at the end of the day is easier - you don't even really have to make eye contact (at the beginning) - all you have to say, as you walk away is Bye! (loud enough to be heard) (the next rung would be to stand and say goodbye, or to call a person's name to get their attention before saying Bye.

So we've had children who work on saying goodbye - their parents say "we know this is hard, and we are going to help you be brave, but it's important for you to be able to say goodbye just as your friends do. So from now on, when we leave somewhere, you will say goodbye or bye. I'll be right there to help you and remind you to be brave. (and if they didn't say it, the parent was to say "it's ok, I know you'll do it next time" - that's a positive way of saying it as the child already feels badly for not being able to do this really hard thing.

we had children who started with a WHISPERED bye and a have hearted wave with eyes cast down. To then saying a louder goodbye. To calling a name and saying bye (Larla, bye!) and so on. Then they worked on entering the room and saying hello to one person. And so on. But just ONE THING you work on at a time, but each one builds strength and the knowledge that, if they are very brave, they
CAN do it! And that becomes a snowball of bravery (a tiny snowball at the beginning)

so find a therapist who knows how to coach you on helping your child to be brave. Because it will be how you as parents coach (and don't pot pressure on to talk talk talk immediately) that makes a difference.

In about 12 months time, we had a child who could ask for what she needed (help with something, that she needed to use the bathroom, etc), chatted with friends all the time, even raised her hand (the first time it happened I almost fainted dead away) at morning meeting and TALKED loud enough for everyone to hear! Oh, and said hello and goodybe like a pro. Her shyness wasn't gone, but she knew how to start managing it and "being brave." We talked about "being brave" a lot.

[Anonymous]

Former shy 4 yo. Poster above has great advice. DO NOT homeschool this kid.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. A BIG THANK YOU to all of the responses, they were helpful, some VERY helpful! I am not local to DMV so can't use your referrals, which I do appreciate, but I'm going to reach out to DD's preschool counselor to see if she has suggestions. I heard about the UMD Shyness Study through DCUM and would have loved to have enrolled DD if we were in the area. It sounds like there are other groups around DC that work on shyness and social skills, you all are really lucky in this respect. I'm in a major metropolitan area and have not been able to find anything similar. There are several psychology practices that work on social anxiety, but I did not think they were right for us. Hopefully, the school psychologist will have some suggestions. Thank you again!!!

[Anonymous]

Good luck op! When it comes to services like this, the more you ask the more you’ll find,keep digging you’re on the right track. It may take a bit to find the right fit but it’s out there! I also thought this article was interesting https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/04/15/711213752/for-kids-with-anxiety-parents-learn-to-let-them-face-their-fears

[Anonymous]

And as others have said, stay open to social workers (lcsws) you’ll have far more options and just have to find the one that’s a good fit.