more emotionally tied to one of my kids

[Anonymous]

I have 2 boys, 4 and 2. I love them both dearly and this isn't about having a favorite.

But when my 4 yo cries, I can just take it in stride and be calm.

And when the 2 yo cries, my body just responds differently, like the classic "fight or flight" response. I feel like I have to fix it right away because it makes me SO uncomfortable when he's crying. When he's distressed, I feel the distress so much more keenly.

It's bizarre because really and truly, I don't favor him over older DS or anything.

Has anyone experienced something similar before?

[Anonymous]

Is it the older one? My DH is like this for our oldest and I wonder if it has something to do with becoming a first time parent with the first. I don't understand it -- it comes across as favoritism. He does everything objectively equally - buys the same for both. But if the older one is hurt/upset/disappointed DH reacts completely differently.

This happened over spring break: Younger wanted to go get a game from game stop. DH says, yeah, sure, one of these days on the break. Younger asks 3 days in a row, DH finally snaps at him to stop asking, we'll go when we go. Perfectly reasonable response to the pestering, although it was DH's vagueness that kept younger asking and asking and getting annoying about it. Older doesn't care so much about games, but he's into basketball shoes. I mentioned that I wanted to get them shoes on Sunday. I forgot it was Easter and it turns out the store I wanted to go was closed. Other stores were open, but this particular store is a little cheaper and those shoes are expensive so I wanted to at least check there first. I decide to wait until the following weekend.

Older son is disappointed and DH is saying to me, let's try other stores, why are you so tied to this store that is closed, etc. He's trying to change my mind so older won't be disappointed but he wasn't at all phased when younger was disappointed about the game; in fact he was irritated. This is a small example of how he treats them differently without realizing it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I just saw that you already explained it was the younger for you. Maybe because he seems more vulnerable? Whatever it is, try to grow out of it.

[Anonymous]

I’m the same way with my older son. He is eight and my younger one is five.

I think it’s because the older one has a similar personality to mine. I just reacted viscerally when he is upset. He is the same way with me. He’s always comforting me etc. if you can sense that I’m anxious or down. My younger one is just more easy-going.

[Anonymous]

I respond like this to my older child (now 6). But I think it's because he is more sensitive and is upset by much different, less tangible things than DD is. He was a high-needs baby and even now is quicker to melt down and takes longer to get over it. It's been harder to practice my best RIE/Janet Lansbury parenting not go on the emotional roller coaster with him. I don't love my 3 yo any less, but she's upset by typical kid stuff and burns hard and fast. When she gets hurt, she'll cry, need a quick hug, and then push away from me and say: I keep going, I keep going. Not the same for DS, so maybe I wrongly feel like he "needs" me more and therefore have a stronger reaction to his struggles.