Lack of parent/child relationship between my husband and his mom?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what my question is, so I guess I’m just looking for input from others who are in the same situation.

My husband’s mom had him when she was a teenager. He was raised alongside his mom by his grandparents until she moved out at 25, and then pretty much had to fend for himself as a tween/teen. They never had a close relationship, for as long as I’ve known him. There just isn’t a parent/child relationship. He’s absolutely not a “mama’s boy”, but his mom definitely thinks he owes her everything for simply having been born. However, he doesn’t see it that way at all, and if anything, it pushes him away.

Now that we have children who are old enough to be a little bit fun to be around, she expects unbridled access whenever she fancies. My husband isn’t motivated or interested in facilitating anything, and I get the blame. It’s always my fault. It happened again yesterday. My husband didn’t want to do anything for Easter, and so while his mom didn’t even invite us to do anything, she’s blaming me for us not seeing her. My husband always takes my side and explains his feelings, and this causes her to pout and then not talk to us for weeks, then suddenly come back into the picture as if nothing ever happened.

I’m just curious what thoughts or advice you have if your husband and his mom have a similar relationship.

[Anonymous]

They need to go to therapy together. Pronto

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure what my question is, so I guess I’m just looking for input from others who are in the same situation.

My husband’s mom had him when she was a teenager. He was raised alongside his mom by his grandparents until she moved out at 25, and then pretty much had to fend for himself as a tween/teen. They never had a close relationship, for as long as I’ve known him. There just isn’t a parent/child relationship. He’s absolutely not a “mama’s boy”, but his mom definitely thinks he owes her everything for simply having been born. However, he doesn’t see it that way at all, and if anything, it pushes him away.

Now that we have children who are old enough to be a little bit fun to be around, she expects unbridled access whenever she fancies. My husband isn’t motivated or interested in facilitating anything, and I get the blame. It’s always my fault. It happened again yesterday. My husband didn’t want to do anything for Easter, and so while his mom didn’t even invite us to do anything, she’s blaming me for us not seeing her. My husband always takes my side and explains his feelings, and this causes her to pout and then not talk to us for weeks, then suddenly come back into the picture as if nothing ever happened.

I’m just curious what thoughts or advice you have if your husband and his mom have a similar relationship.

How do you know this? And to whom is she expressing these feelings?

[Anonymous]

IMHO you manage relationships with your family (i.e. coordinating visits, buying gifts, skyping with grandkids, etc.) and he manages them with his. That's how DW and I do it and it seems to work out fine. I don't think the circumstances you describe matter other than it influences the level of relationship he wants to have with his mom.

[Anonymous]

He needs to set boundaries with her that work for him/you, and so she can have realistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

You need to speak up and tell his mom if she wanted to see you, she can initiate it. My mom is like that and picks things with her friends (including my birthday) and blames me. And, that is why we barely talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMHO you manage relationships with your family (i.e. coordinating visits, buying gifts, skyping with grandkids, etc.) and he manages them with his. That's how DW and I do it and it seems to work out fine. I don't think the circumstances you describe matter other than it influences the level of relationship he wants to have with his mom.

NP, I don’t understand this philosophy and operating procedure. If my husband has an issue that is affecting his mental health and his emotions, I certainly want to support and help him to manage it in anyway that I am able to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMHO you manage relationships with your family (i.e. coordinating visits, buying gifts, skyping with grandkids, etc.) and he manages them with his. That's how DW and I do it and it seems to work out fine. I don't think the circumstances you describe matter other than it influences the level of relationship he wants to have with his mom.

This is largely how my husband and I do it also.

In the circumstance you're describing OP I think you need to stop hoping/expecting that anything will change. Then you can work on not feeling badly about whatever her opinions of you may or may not be. And perhaps your husband could take a more active role in cutting things off, or you can take more of a backseat in terms of worrying about it.

[Anonymous]

Does your MIL actually complain to YOU ? If so, talk to your DH about how to handle the conversation when MIL starts the blame game. Personally, I would tell her to lay off me because I don't do the planning between 2 grown up adults. In other words, you don't have to take her crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMHO you manage relationships with your family (i.e. coordinating visits, buying gifts, skyping with grandkids, etc.) and he manages them with his. That's how DW and I do it and it seems to work out fine. I don't think the circumstances you describe matter other than it influences the level of relationship he wants to have with his mom.

NP, I don’t understand this philosophy and operating procedure. If my husband has an issue that is affecting his mental health and his emotions, I certainly want to support and help him to manage it in anyway that I am able to do so.

I don't get that either. I find it easier to deal with my husband's family vs. mine. As a family, you both deal with it. That is part of being in a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to go to therapy together. Pronto

You want a grown man who doesn't have a close relationship with his mother to go to therapy with her because she's unhappy with the status quo, but he appears to be fine with it? Sorry, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMHO you manage relationships with your family (i.e. coordinating visits, buying gifts, skyping with grandkids, etc.) and he manages them with his. That's how DW and I do it and it seems to work out fine. I don't think the circumstances you describe matter other than it influences the level of relationship he wants to have with his mom.

NP, I don’t understand this philosophy and operating procedure. If my husband has an issue that is affecting his mental health and his emotions, I certainly want to support and help him to manage it in anyway that I am able to do so.

I don't get that either. I find it easier to deal with my husband's family vs. mine. As a family, you both deal with it. That is part of being in a family.

There's no 'one size fits all' way of being in a family. Surprised you got to the age you did and haven't learned that yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure what my question is, so I guess I’m just looking for input from others who are in the same situation.

My husband’s mom had him when she was a teenager. He was raised alongside his mom by his grandparents until she moved out at 25, and then pretty much had to fend for himself as a tween/teen. They never had a close relationship, for as long as I’ve known him. There just isn’t a parent/child relationship. He’s absolutely not a “mama’s boy”, but his mom definitely thinks he owes her everything for simply having been born. However, he doesn’t see it that way at all, and if anything, it pushes him away.

Now that we have children who are old enough to be a little bit fun to be around, she expects unbridled access whenever she fancies. My husband isn’t motivated or interested in facilitating anything, and I get the blame. It’s always my fault. It happened again yesterday. My husband didn’t want to do anything for Easter, and so while his mom didn’t even invite us to do anything, she’s blaming me for us not seeing her. My husband always takes my side and explains his feelings, and this causes her to pout and then not talk to us for weeks, then suddenly come back into the picture as if nothing ever happened.

I’m just curious what thoughts or advice you have if your husband and his mom have a similar relationship.

How do you know this? And to whom is she expressing these feelings?

+1 Do you have a problem with the status quo? So what if she blames you? So what if she doesn't talk to you for weeks?

[Anonymous]

My DH doesn’t really like his parents and while I wished he talked to them more he doesn’t and I’ve finally accepted that’s not going to change.

I do talk to them as I can and arrange visits as I can bc I think it’s still important for our kids to have a relationship with DH’s side of the family.

It does annoy me when if I get busy with work or something we don’t talk to them for a while and I get the blame. But Ive stopped caring that much. It’s DH’s issue really, not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure what my question is, so I guess I’m just looking for input from others who are in the same situation.

My husband’s mom had him when she was a teenager. He was raised alongside his mom by his grandparents until she moved out at 25, and then pretty much had to fend for himself as a tween/teen. They never had a close relationship, for as long as I’ve known him. There just isn’t a parent/child relationship. He’s absolutely not a “mama’s boy”, but his mom definitely thinks he owes her everything for simply having been born. However, he doesn’t see it that way at all, and if anything, it pushes him away.

Now that we have children who are old enough to be a little bit fun to be around, she expects unbridled access whenever she fancies. My husband isn’t motivated or interested in facilitating anything, and I get the blame. It’s always my fault. It happened again yesterday. My husband didn’t want to do anything for Easter, and so while his mom didn’t even invite us to do anything, she’s blaming me for us not seeing her. My husband always takes my side and explains his feelings, and this causes her to pout and then not talk to us for weeks, then suddenly come back into the picture as if nothing ever happened.

I’m just curious what thoughts or advice you have if your husband and his mom have a similar relationship.

How do you know this? And to whom is she expressing these feelings?

These are my questions, too. She can complain all she wants, but you and he know the real situation, and he sides with you. Just let her complain and then give you the silent treatment--it only punishes herself.