DD claims we favor sister

[Anonymous]

She is 17 and her sister is 19. She says that her earliest conscious memory is being 3 or 4 and us singing and laughing with her sister as we put her to bed from her room and realized we never did that with her and it was in that moment she knew she wasn't as loved as her sister...and the favoritism only continued?

[Anonymous]

So the worst thing you could do is discount what she's saying to you.

Why is she telling you this now? Do you compare them? Do you use her sister as a good example of what to do or how to act? It's natural to get defensive when someone calls you out on something. Right now you need to listen to her. Find out what's going on with her and why this is coming out now. And later reflect and be honest with yourself if there is some truth to it.

[Anonymous]

Listen as she's probably correct. My sister was and is clearly the favorite.

[Anonymous]

Please don't tell her it isn't true because something about your behavior makes it feel true.

[Anonymous]

If she say so it is so. Do listen carefully and seak wisely. Askwhat can you do to make it feel riht.

[Anonymous]

I think you should do family therapy with your dd. She is 17, don't push her away or screw this up.

My inlaws chose not to believe my SIL when she was 16 and told them things from her childhood that they didin't want to believe was true. It didn't end well at all, and they would be happier with the outcome of their relationship if they had handled that differently.

[Anonymous]

"That sounds like a painful memory, Larla. I wonder why it is coming up now. How about if we spend the day together, just you and I. We could go to a museum/have manipedis/whatever."

Don't argue with her memory, however absurd it may be. Just reassure her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"That sounds like a painful memory, Larla. I wonder why it is coming up now. How about if we spend the day together, just you and I. We could go to a museum/have manipedis/whatever."

Don't argue with her memory, however absurd it may be. Just reassure her.

Don't say "I wonder why it's coming up now." That sounds dismissive.

[Anonymous]

Do you favor her sister? Did this incident really happen?

[Anonymous]

Is she right?

[Anonymous]

My son gets very defensive, and when he’s feeling guilty or angry, he often defaults to “you don’t love me as much as sister”. It’s absurd and not true at ALL. We love both kids equally, spend equal time with them and always have. So just because this sister says it doesn’t mean it’s true, just that’s how she perceives things. She could also be testing you. Testing your love.

What I would say is “oh wow, that memory must hurt. I don’t remember doing that and I would never intentionally hurt you. I love you SO much and I always will. What do you need from me right now? Let’s keep talking about this. And thank you for telling me, that must have been hard.”

[Anonymous]

Is it true?

[Anonymous]

OP you've gotten a lot of really good feedback so far. Don't discount her feelings even if you disagree.

[Anonymous]

My mom even now won't let me say a single thing about my sister. I was dad's favorite, sister is mom's. I was telling mom about how a person without kids shouldn't be giving advice about where my dd goes to college, and mom jumped down my throat that I am cruel to my sister because she wanted kids and I should just listen. My sister could kick me in front of ton of people, and my mom would still take her side.

[Anonymous]

OP, I definitely think it's a good idea to listen to her, and try to find out where this is coming from. However, my sister (we are in our 40's) stunned my parents and I some years ago when she stated that I was the favorite child. I do not now, nor as a child, did I ever feel that I was the favorite child. In fact, I thought my parents, who were very loving, went to great pains to treat us equally as they were very obviously not the favorite child in their respective families (there were major gender preferences in both of their families of origin). I've racked my brains to figure out where this came from, and have never been able to figure it out. I did not say this to her, or discount her feelings, nor did our parents.