Does anyone else ever feel like...

[Anonymous]

...spouse and kid are in a club that you’re just not invited to? Spouse is the fun parent, I’m the rule enforcer. I love that they have such a special bond, but sometimes I just feel so left out. I do try to be more fun, but generally I just feel like the wet blanket reminding to brush teeth or stay on schedule.

[Anonymous]

YES. Let me guess. You're the mom and fun parent is the dad??

[Anonymous]

Yes, I am generally the one who enforces things like bedtimes and brushing teeth. But I also am intentional about setting aside one on one time with each of my kids where we can have fun and be spontaneous.

[Anonymous]

Yep, I’m the rule enforcing mom; dad is the fun one who doesn’t concern himself with rules, bedtimes, homework, or healthy eating.

[Anonymous]

Yes and I'm fine with it. Somebody has to be an adult.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I’m the mom. So how does that play out in your relationship with child? It breaks my heart that he calls for daddy when he wakes up in the morning. Also, when I say no to something, he cries and says he wants daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes and I'm fine with it. Somebody has to be an adult.

This. You can still be the one in charge and have fun sometimes. My parents divorced and my dad was the fun weekend dad. I went to a therapist as a teen who told me that o wouldn’t realize later on who was being a real parent. She was right. My mom did all of the work of parenting. We have a good relationship now and do fun things together. I am also a single parent and I do everything. You can be both.

[Anonymous]

Yes, totally have this dynamic. I try to take some responsibility and realize that I truly am less "fun," and that it is equally important to connect in a relaxed way with my kid. Still, the big problem is that DH's inability to do ANYTHING not-fun with the kid means that a huge burden is on my shoulders to run everything else, which means more stress for me, which makes it more difficult to relax and have connected time. As a result, I've had to drop some things that I really don't want to (putting a lot of energy into enforcing chores, cooking, etc).

[Anonymous]

Here too, and I hate it. I think DH is both lazier (it takes more work to enforce rules) and also has (unconscious) insecurity over whether he will be loved if he's not the fun guy.

Small example, but this happened at my house over the weekend. Dad takes one DS out for an errand and stops to get an ice cream on the way home. He can't get an ice cream for other DS who is at home because it would melt, so he buys him candy instead. Later that day, other DS has a game and after the game says, I really wish I'd gotten ice cream instead of candy earlier, I really like ice cream better. DH says, ok, I'll get you an ice cream after the game. After the game (it's about 4pm), we go to baskin robbins but their freezer is broken so you can only buy cartons of ice cream, not individual. So he buys 2 cartons, gives both kids ice cream and then, on the way home says we've got plenty, so you can have more before bed if mom says it's ok.

Why so much junk? Why suggest they have more before bed - the kids hadn't even asked for that - unless I say no, thus setting me up to be the bad guy. IT IS INFURIATING.

[Anonymous]

Why do you keep that dynamic going if you dislike it so much?

[Anonymous]

I roughhouse with my kids and am super fun and I also enforce rules. Why not just get silly with them when the opportunity presents? And I'm a mom FWIW. DH is more serious than me but def isn't doing all the rule enforcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you keep that dynamic going if you dislike it so much?

Any attempts I make to discuss with DH are met with defensiveness. I know we need to see a therapist to help navigate this. I just feel so tapped out. Finding a therapist who can work with our schedule just feels like one more onerous chore on me.

[Anonymous]

I have this dynamic too but I try to call DH on it when he’s not stepping up: Why are you still playing the video game with Larlo when it’s time to get ready for bed?? It’s bad enough that I have to enforce bedtime without you undermining that effort.

And I try to take advantage of it for time off: Sure it’s great if YOU take him to X fun place.

[Anonymous]

I assign "bad" chores to DH like teeth brushing, hair coming and dentist appointments specifically for this reason. Since I'm the primary caretaker doing the week, I get to be the fun parent on weekends

[Anonymous]

My dd isn’t even 2 yet and we have this dynamic, too. She’s fine with me (mom, btw) 1-on-1, but as soon as daddy is in the picture he is ALL she wants (I.e. “go away mommy” or “no mommy—daddy” are frequent phrases). It hurts! I totally get it. I’m the rule-enforcer and just generally less silly, so to a two year old I guess it makes sense and I try to see it from that vantage point. I’ve also done the following, which have helped:

1) Have a conversation (ok, a few) with DH are: what to do if she starts being rude to me. HE is now the one that corrects her, not me. That’s actually helped.

2) Encorage DH to do some of the less fun stuff—tooth brushing and potty time (were potty training) are two things that come to mind. Now I’m not the only one that does “torturous” stuff.

3) Maintain perspective. My dd is still young, so I’ve got years of this ahead of me I’m sure. But I’m trying to play the long game—one day she’ll be a young adult and hopefully see how hard I’m working to help her grow into a good person!

So yeah OP you’re not alone! I was actually just thinking about a similar post myself; it’s nice to know I’m not the only one in this boat.