Seeking advice... field hockey related, but open to anyone familiar with similar team sports

[Anonymous]

I'm looking for advice in dealing with this situation. DD plays on a travel field hockey team and was caught off guard by something one of the girls said to her.

Girl A says to DD: "Girl B and I were mad at you this weekend."

DD: "Why?"

Girl A: "Because you stole our goals."

DD scored all her goals from post. She basically set up in one location and waited for the ball to be near her and hit it in. Any time the ball was near the goal, there were basically 8 girls in there - 3-4 trying to hit it in and 3-4 trying to stop them. If you have ever seen field hockey, this is a crazy time. I was at the games in question and I didn't see DD doing anything other than trying to get the ball in when it was near her. In fact many parents commented how DD was set up in the right position. Is it possible DD stole goals?

Girl A then followed up with: "If you want to be liked you won't do it again." This bothers me most because of the intimidation and threatening nature of the comment.


We told DD we don't think this is the case and that she was playing her position. I'm afraid this will cause DD to not try to score for fear of not being liked. DD is not a selfish player and just wants the team to win.

Looking for advice on if this is normal. We have never run into this before. Is there anything else we should do? We don't plan to go to the coach unless it happens again.

[Anonymous]

TROLL

[Anonymous]

I don't have any good advice but wanted to sympathize. My DD was on a club field hockey team last year and really disliked this one girl who was mean to her for no reason. My DD ended up leaving that team because she didn't want to be part of a team with kids like that so I can definitely sympathize with how your daughter must have felt after that comment.

What Girl A said was absolutely not normal. How did your DD even steal their goals? Sounds like Girl A and Girl B are very selfish players.

Does your daughter have friends on the team or are you friendly with any of the other parents? If Girl A and Girl B say anything mean to your daughter again, I definitely would talk to the coach about it. They are creating a toxic team atmosphere - if they do it to your daughter, they could potentially do it to others as well.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the coach. The lack of support from teammates is a sign of a failure of leadership under the coach (of course you don’t say that). Any chance your daughter can switch to another travel team that isn’t so toxic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the coach. The lack of support from teammates is a sign of a failure of leadership under the coach (of course you don’t say that). Any chance your daughter can switch to another travel team that isn’t so toxic?

My advice would be to find a different team.

My son was a skilled but not confident basketball player. On his first travel team, he finally got up the nerve to shoot in like the 4th game of the season and hit an open three.
Instead of being pleased, all his teammates were mad that he'd taken a shot. He switched mid season to a much better travel team, and he immediately started averaging like 12 points a game -- largely because the coach and his teammates were super positive. Every team he played on after that (through middle and high school including VERY competitive AAU teams) was similarly positive --- everybody cheered when anybody scored. Because the first team was his first experience with travel, we didn't realize how toxic it was, or how bad the team actually was.

Any athlete who thinks "stealing my goals" is a thing has been very badly coached.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for a replies. We don’t know what if anything girl B actually said as she was not there when Girl A spoke to DD. All the girls seem to get along great and all the parents are extremely welcoming. From what I see the girls are supportive of one another. So we were surprised this was said.

I agree this behavior isn’t good for a team and that a team isn’t one person. It should not matter who scored the goals, but that the girls work together and win.

We are going to suggest DD ask the coach if she was playing the position correctly so that if something is said again DD can tell the girl she spoke with coach and he said she is playing the position correctly but that they can go talk to coach together if she wants.

These girls are 10/11.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would ask the coach about this. Dd doesn't have to say it like it's a complaint - just say that this person said this to me and I wanted your advice on what I should do.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to know these girls are 10/11. Much less insidious than 15/16. Girl A is clearly jealous and I think if your daughter can have the wherewithal to take your advice and say, let's go talk to the coach about whether we were each doing our jobs on the field, Girl A may learn her lesson in a way which doesn't make her inclined to be nastier.

It's a great age to legitimately learn lessons about sportsmanship/teamwork. I'm not sure it's necessary to switch teams right now.

[Anonymous]

This is a discussion to have with the coach. The coach, only. The coach will have an opinion whether, how your daughter is playing her position, whether she is displaying good sportsmanship or not.

[Anonymous]

Players talking smack. Imagine that. Perhaps, unfortunately, women-in-sports have finally come into their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Players talking smack. Imagine that. Perhaps, unfortunately, women-in-sports have finally come into their own.

PLayers talk smack to their opponents. Nobody has a problem with that. But this wasn't even smack talk - plus it was directed at her own teammate! Girl A sounds like a mean girl who is becoming a selfish player. She needs to stop pronto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a discussion to have with the coach. The coach, only. The coach will have an opinion whether, how your daughter is playing her position, whether she is displaying good sportsmanship or not.

+1
Ask the coach.
I would also observe closely. Kids who wait by the post and don't do anything but just plant themselves there in the hopes they will get goals are not really team players. They should be assisting in stealing or intercepting the ball, puck, etc. and learning how to make appropriate passes. This sounds like an inexperienced team with mean teammates. They should not have said what they said but it doesn't mean DD wasn't selfish. From your description it sounds like she might have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Players talking smack. Imagine that. Perhaps, unfortunately, women-in-sports have finally come into their own.

Not an athlete, huh? Winning teams don't work this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important to know these girls are 10/11. Much less insidious than 15/16. Girl A is clearly jealous and I think if your daughter can have the wherewithal to take your advice and say, let's go talk to the coach about whether we were each doing our jobs on the field, Girl A may learn her lesson in a way which doesn't make her inclined to be nastier.

It's a great age to legitimately learn lessons about sportsmanship/teamwork. I'm not sure it's necessary to switch teams right now.

+1

My daughter plays field hockey and is it usually someone’s job to be on post so they can get a rebound when the goalie hits it out, tip in if it’s close, or if someone crosses and is just a little off from being able to hit the opposite corner of the goal and you angle your stick to get it in. It’s actually a big deal if you aren’t getting on post and are supposed to. The coach should be able to confirm if she was where she should be and help reinforce the teamwork concept with the whole team including Girl A.