Questions on Playing with Your Kids

[Anonymous]

I'm a new SAHM with a 4YO and 5 month old and am working through the logistics of day-to-day. Especially around play with my 4YO. When my son was in daycare, it was never a big deal but now that we're spending so much more time together (when he's not in school), two questions for you.

How much do you play with your kid on a daily basis? I try to "play-in" with him a couple times a day. But it's never enough. If he had his preference we would play one-on-one all day long. But, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I play with him for 5 minutes or 5 hours...neither is enough. He just wants more, more, more. And, all he wants to play is Legos. All. Day. Long. And I HATE playing with Legos. (If I'm being honest though, I don't really enjoy playing with him. I hate even admitting that out-loud but surely I'm not the only one?!)

Also, how much do you direct your child's play? I know at school and in daycares, it's pretty directed (i.e., you'll play with this box of toys now, now you'll do an art project, etc.) and then there are periods of free play. Should I be following this format at home (more structured) or is free play/play with whatever you want whenever you want okay?

[Anonymous]

Does he go to preschool?

When my kid was 4 she went 3 days a week until 2.
I personally like having a schedule/routine. I find the day goes better if we all know generally what to expect.
On the mornings we were home we would walk the dogs together then go out for an activity, whether running errands, going to a class or playdate. I always do something out of the house in the morning, so I am with DD but not " playing" with her if that makes sense.
In the afternoon she would have about 30-45 mins of quiet time in her room by herself, looking at books, doing puzzles, playing with stuffed animals etc.
Then I would do something with her like playing a game, do a craft, do artsy stuff etc, Legos etc.

So try allocating certain times of the day to active play and keep it the same every day. Whether its once a day or twice a day, whatever works. Kids love consistancy

[Anonymous]

Above PP. I would say direct play if I am involved, If she wants to do something herself she can do what she likes.

[Anonymous]

You are overthinking this! If I have something to do, I do it. If I don’t, I play, either I suggest an activity i want to do or I ask him what he wants to do. Probably 25% of the day I ask him to play independently (or watch a movie or nap or whatever), 25% is me playing his specific requests, and 50% is doing stuff together—cleaning, cooking, shopping, excursion somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Janet Lansbury has great advice on this topic. Basically if you aren't "ALL IN" on the play, it's better to NOT do it, than to do it half way or resent it.

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/08/its-really-okay-to-say-no-to-playing-with-your-child-5-reasons/

[Anonymous]

My son is like yours and you are kind of like me. He just wants more, more, more! And I don't really enjoy playing that much.

Here's what I do: He goes to nursery school for 2.5hrs every morning, and I have his friend over for a weekly afternoon playdate. They play really well together, and makes it easier for me to get things done around the house. I will maybe agree to play something with him that I don't like for 15 minutes, but that is my daily threshold. I'll convince him to do other things that I actually enjoy - like hiking, walking/scootering. Or I will enlist his help in cooking, cleaning, laundry, whatever - he just loves being my shadow, so more often than not, he will actually be quite helpful! Also I do make him play on his own for a while, and as a reward, we will have some time together. But he still doesn't know how to play well by himself - and I think that is mostly his personality, he is social and loves being around others.

[Anonymous]

I would probably try preschool, play dates, Park / playground trips, outdoor play now that it is getting nicer

Then have some time set aside for play with mommy and some time set aside for other things like - this is cleaning time / rest time or whatever. You could still do quiet time in room even if kid is no longer napping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Janet Lansbury has great advice on this topic. Basically if you aren't "ALL IN" on the play, it's better to NOT do it, than to do it half way or resent it.

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/08/its-really-okay-to-say-no-to-playing-with-your-child-5-reasons/

I would say that I play directly with my kid about 15-30 minutes a day. And when I do that, I don't direct the play. I do whatever she suggests or directs. Other times, I will sit near her while she plays (folding laundry, etc.). Or I read a book, but I'll look up when she wants to show me something. And I engage with her at other times, so it's not like not playing with her means I'm ignoring her. But I agree that (1) it's not my job to play with her constantly and (2) it's better to play with her for a short time where I am all in than for a longer time where I'm distracted, resentful, or irritated.

[Anonymous]

If he wants to play and you don't, why not send him to full-day school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Janet Lansbury has great advice on this topic. Basically if you aren't "ALL IN" on the play, it's better to NOT do it, than to do it half way or resent it.

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/08/its-really-okay-to-say-no-to-playing-with-your-child-5-reasons/

I would say that I play directly with my kid about 15-30 minutes a day. And when I do that, I don't direct the play. I do whatever she suggests or directs. Other times, I will sit near her while she plays (folding laundry, etc.). Or I read a book, but I'll look up when she wants to show me something. And I engage with her at other times, so it's not like not playing with her means I'm ignoring her. But I agree that (1) it's not my job to play with her constantly and (2) it's better to play with her for a short time where I am all in than for a longer time where I'm distracted, resentful, or irritated.

Hope you're not one of those SAHMs who talks about how AMAZING it is that your kid is influenced by you all day long. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

My older son is 4 (will be 5 in a few months), and in the last couple of months I've noticed that he has become much better at being able to entertain himself. In fact, a lot of the time he wants to just be left alone with his legos. I don't know if it's just my kid, but it may improve for you soon.

[Anonymous]

Sahm, with some part time work, for 7 years now. 3 kids, but often with 1-2 at a time because of the births, or the oldest going to school or preschool.

I have gone through phases. The other day, my middle child wanted me to build train tracks with him. I’ve done that many times, happily, but my heart was NOT in it...,. It’s the last thing I wanted to play. I didn’t mind watching him, but he wanted me to build. So I just did it for 5 minutes, and then was able to let him play.

A few ideas
-sometimes it’s good to talk with them about learning to wait for me. “Can’t play right now, I’m finishing a grown up call, but I’ll play in 10 minutes.” “Waaaah but mom!” “You’ll have to learn how to wait.” Lol makes me feel like a good parent, teaching him the skill of waiting
-sometimes I just play in passing. Other times I give in, even when I have other stuff to do, and we just play and play. But most of the time, yeah, it’s sort of interacting as I’m in between things
-sometimes I do this, and they let me: I clean or organize while we play. So we’re playing with blocks, but I’ll alsp get out a card game and stack the cards the right way (because they were crazy all directions). On whatever toy needs wiping down or finding pairs and making sure all the matching pairs are there. Whatever. *at some age, each one has been like “mom! You’re not playing. You’re cleaning.” So they call me out. But they don’t realize I’ve done it 100 times before they got old enough to call me out.

-best tip. Find toys YOU like. But those. So if you always wanted a big dollhouse or an ez bake when you were little, buy those toys. The toys YOU like will be the least annoying when your kid asks you to play again.
Intrigued by magnatiles? Buy a set. If your kid doesn’t like those, that’s fine, then don’t get them. I’m just saying it’s easy to play with stuff you’re interested in, and it can be contagious toward your kid liking them and playing on their own.

[Anonymous]

But those = buy those

[Anonymous]

Have you tried having a schedule for play time and independent time? My daughter (2) is really good at playing by herself while I make dinner bc she’s used to it and it happens at the same time everyday. But sometimes if I have chores to do randomly at another time that she’s not used to, she gets upset and wants my attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Janet Lansbury has great advice on this topic. Basically if you aren't "ALL IN" on the play, it's better to NOT do it, than to do it half way or resent it.

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/08/its-really-okay-to-say-no-to-playing-with-your-child-5-reasons/

I would say that I play directly with my kid about 15-30 minutes a day. And when I do that, I don't direct the play. I do whatever she suggests or directs. Other times, I will sit near her while she plays (folding laundry, etc.). Or I read a book, but I'll look up when she wants to show me something. And I engage with her at other times, so it's not like not playing with her means I'm ignoring her. But I agree that (1) it's not my job to play with her constantly and (2) it's better to play with her for a short time where I am all in than for a longer time where I'm distracted, resentful, or irritated.

Hope you're not one of those SAHMs who talks about how AMAZING it is that your kid is influenced by you all day long. Yikes.

Well, no, I'm not. I have a job.

But what's your problem? The idea that mothers should sit and play with their kids all day is of INCREDIBLY recent vintage and not widely practiced. It's not the only way to interact with your kid, and it's not clear that it's even helpful for their development. I spend lots of time with my kid, but very little of it involves sitting and engaging in imaginative play with her. That's what other kids are for. There are hundreds of other ways to engage with your kid.