Realizing one child is different

[Anonymous]

As my children get older, I realize how different my eldest is. Firstborn was very high needs from birth, and in large part, still is at age 9. Siblings ages 7 & 5 are easy going.

Has anyone else experienced a similar dynamic? Is this just natural birth order dynamics?

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh yes. My two kids are so different. First one is extremely strong-willed and sensitive. Second one is completely easy-going. Completely different temperaments.

[Anonymous]

Do you mean special needs?

As a geneticist, I can tell you that a lot of conditions exist on a spectrum, from imperceptible to quirky to clinical (severe enough to warrant a diagnosis). Since a threshold has to be placed somewhere, people think you either have something or you don't, but the reality is much more nuanced.

So anxiety, depression, emotional or sensory sensitivity, attention and management skills... they're all on a spectrum.

Your oldest inherited a combination of genes from his parents that express themselves and shape his personality. Your other children inherited another set. That's why they're different.

That's nature. And then there's nurture. Not my field, but obviously each child has a different parenting and life experience within the same family.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s birth order dynamics, hasn’t that been debunked anyway?

I will say if you have twins you notice the difference in personalities right away that may not have been as obvious without another baby the same age in the same home. Those different personalities didn’t change when they became toddlers or kids. Same personalities from babyhood pushing 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my oldest is very emotionally intense. Great kid, mostly happy, extremely smart... and at times just plain difficult to parent due to the sheer intensity, persistence of will. People can never hear this description without saying it is somehow because he is the oldest, or implying he is the first kid so we spoiled him. But he was like this from birth. He was colicky...screamed for the first five months of his life! I had supply issues but he would nurse for hours anyway, even after I started supplementing. At 20 months would come home from daycare and have a twenty minute tantrum on the floor with no discernible triggers, could not be comforted, would express his emotions then move on when he was ready. His sister was so much more relaxed. Very easily soothed. Even at three, I can pick her up, hug her, and she will stop any incipient tantrum. I can count her two major tantrums...she stopped as soon as she realized we don’t give in to them. Not my son. He still has occasional meltdowns at five. He just feels things really strongly and only time and maturity has really helped with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my oldest is very emotionally intense. Great kid, mostly happy, extremely smart... and at times just plain difficult to parent due to the sheer intensity, persistence of will. People can never hear this description without saying it is somehow because he is the oldest, or implying he is the first kid so we spoiled him. But he was like this from birth. He was colicky...screamed for the first five months of his life! I had supply issues but he would nurse for hours anyway, even after I started supplementing. At 20 months would come home from daycare and have a twenty minute tantrum on the floor with no discernible triggers, could not be comforted, would express his emotions then move on when he was ready. His sister was so much more relaxed. Very easily soothed. Even at three, I can pick her up, hug her, and she will stop any incipient tantrum. I can count her two major tantrums...she stopped as soon as she realized we don’t give in to them. Not my son. He still has occasional meltdowns at five. He just feels things really strongly and only time and maturity has really helped with that.

PP at 21:37 here. This describes my two kids exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my oldest is very emotionally intense. Great kid, mostly happy, extremely smart... and at times just plain difficult to parent due to the sheer intensity, persistence of will. People can never hear this description without saying it is somehow because he is the oldest, or implying he is the first kid so we spoiled him. But he was like this from birth. He was colicky...screamed for the first five months of his life! I had supply issues but he would nurse for hours anyway, even after I started supplementing. At 20 months would come home from daycare and have a twenty minute tantrum on the floor with no discernible triggers, could not be comforted, would express his emotions then move on when he was ready. His sister was so much more relaxed. Very easily soothed. Even at three, I can pick her up, hug her, and she will stop any incipient tantrum. I can count her two major tantrums...she stopped as soon as she realized we don’t give in to them. Not my son. He still has occasional meltdowns at five. He just feels things really strongly and only time and maturity has really helped with that.

PP at 21:37 here. This describes my two kids exactly.

Mine too. I wondered if I wrote that post for a moment.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is on the autism spectrum and is high needs like you've described. I love him and he's found his way with therapy. I'm so glad we got him diagnosed. It's improved his life and mine. But it's never been easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s birth order dynamics, hasn’t that been debunked anyway?

I will say if you have twins you notice the difference in personalities right away that may not have been as obvious without another baby the same age in the same home. Those different personalities didn’t change when they became toddlers or kids. Same personalities from babyhood pushing 10 years.

If this person is saying she has twins, it’s interesting to read. I have the same question as OP. My older kid is so different (demanding, difficult, persistent, requires extra attention and care, needy, easily upset) than my easygoing second child. One of my friends whose opinion I trust overall says it’s just birth order dynamics (second child had to adapt to not having parent’s 100 percent attention and time from birth whereas the older child extra few years of that 100 percent at a crucial psych developmental age). But I am skeptical that it’s birth order, it feels like it’s just the differences between their born temperaments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my oldest is very emotionally intense. Great kid, mostly happy, extremely smart... and at times just plain difficult to parent due to the sheer intensity, persistence of will. People can never hear this description without saying it is somehow because he is the oldest, or implying he is the first kid so we spoiled him. But he was like this from birth. He was colicky...screamed for the first five months of his life! I had supply issues but he would nurse for hours anyway, even after I started supplementing. At 20 months would come home from daycare and have a twenty minute tantrum on the floor with no discernible triggers, could not be comforted, would express his emotions then move on when he was ready. His sister was so much more relaxed. Very easily soothed. Even at three, I can pick her up, hug her, and she will stop any incipient tantrum. I can count her two major tantrums...she stopped as soon as she realized we don’t give in to them. Not my son. He still has occasional meltdowns at five. He just feels things really strongly and only time and maturity has really helped with that.

PP at 21:37 here. This describes my two kids exactly.

Mine too. I wondered if I wrote that post for a moment.

+1

Word for word except mind are reverse - oldest is easy-going, youngest is intense.

[Anonymous]

My oldest, and only boy, is MUCH quieter, and more sensitive than his three younger sisters. He was shy and quiet, while they came out of the womb smiling and making eye contact. He got less shy when he made friends with three boys who pulled him out of his shell, but he's still quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my oldest is very emotionally intense. Great kid, mostly happy, extremely smart... and at times just plain difficult to parent due to the sheer intensity, persistence of will. People can never hear this description without saying it is somehow because he is the oldest, or implying he is the first kid so we spoiled him. But he was like this from birth. He was colicky...screamed for the first five months of his life! I had supply issues but he would nurse for hours anyway, even after I started supplementing. At 20 months would come home from daycare and have a twenty minute tantrum on the floor with no discernible triggers, could not be comforted, would express his emotions then move on when he was ready. His sister was so much more relaxed. Very easily soothed. Even at three, I can pick her up, hug her, and she will stop any incipient tantrum. I can count her two major tantrums...she stopped as soon as she realized we don’t give in to them. Not my son. He still has occasional meltdowns at five. He just feels things really strongly and only time and maturity has really helped with that.

This is my life. Except my daughter is 2 instead of 3.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are each individuals and need to be parented and loved for who they are and based on what they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s birth order dynamics, hasn’t that been debunked anyway?

I will say if you have twins you notice the difference in personalities right away that may not have been as obvious without another baby the same age in the same home. Those different personalities didn’t change when they became toddlers or kids. Same personalities from babyhood pushing 10 years.

If this person is saying she has twins, it’s interesting to read. I have the same question as OP. My older kid is so different (demanding, difficult, persistent, requires extra attention and care, needy, easily upset) than my easygoing second child. One of my friends whose opinion I trust overall says it’s just birth order dynamics (second child had to adapt to not having parent’s 100 percent attention and time from birth whereas the older child extra few years of that 100 percent at a crucial psych developmental age). But I am skeptical that it’s birth order, it feels like it’s just the differences between their born temperaments.

+1 of course its kid's personality but I agree with your friend that oldest child is more difficult than younger ones on average. I have only boy and he is very demanding and difficult. I don't think his personality is going to change when I have a second one. My friends with 2 kids each all have similar experiences with strong willed older and easy going younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean special needs?

As a geneticist, I can tell you that a lot of conditions exist on a spectrum, from imperceptible to quirky to clinical (severe enough to warrant a diagnosis). Since a threshold has to be placed somewhere, people think you either have something or you don't, but the reality is much more nuanced.

So anxiety, depression, emotional or sensory sensitivity, attention and management skills... they're all on a spectrum.

Your oldest inherited a combination of genes from his parents that express themselves and shape his personality. Your other children inherited another set. That's why they're different.

That's nature. And then there's nurture. Not my field, but obviously each child has a different parenting and life experience within the same family.

+1