Anyone's MIL a compulsive and habitual lier?

[Anonymous]

If yes, how do you deal with it?
Is it a sign of mental illness?

My MIL constantly changes stories and invents things to avoid responsibility and just stir things up.

Examples:

1. She had someone come in do deep cleaning of the house, including window cleaning. One room in the house is used for our kids to sleep over and play. She did not tell the cleaner to clean the windows in that room. When questioned about it she said that she thinks she is prohibited from going to that room. Utter lie. She goes into it regularly and no one ever told her not to use it.

2. She wanted to buy something for DC and we agreed on what she should buy. She turned up with a wrong brand/model that I told her previously we didn't want when considering options. She said that she mentioned it to me before buying it. Total lie, she never called me about it otherwise I would have told her not to buy it.

3. We agreed on a weekend meal together where she would make one part of the meal and me another part of the meal. The day of she invented some kind of food aversion that I never heard her mention before. I ended up making a meal for the entire family.

4. Last weekend she told me how she would like to stay at home this week and not go to work because she just feels like having time to herself and sipping coffee. Monday she invented some vertigo disease and scared FIL during night so she wouldn't go to work when all she had to do is call in and not go to work.

No, she does not have dementia. She is very astute in everything that suits her. What gives? How do I deal with this? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

But can she spell liar?

[Anonymous]

Is this a new thing? How long have you known her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a new thing? How long have you known her?

12 years but I have only been married for the last 3 years and that's when the behavior became really prominent.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like her particular brand of social anxiety and low-confidence pushes her to lie instead of just own her decisions. I would pity her, not castigate her. After all, she's hasn't done anything too drastic, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds like her particular brand of social anxiety and low-confidence pushes her to lie instead of just own her decisions. I would pity her, not castigate her. After all, she's hasn't done anything too drastic, OP.

Those were mild examples. She had produced "bigger" lies but I can't really discuss them for privacy reasons, as I wish to remain anonymous.

[Anonymous]

What does your DH think? Also, is FIL still alive and well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH think? Also, is FIL still alive and well?

I am learning that she had manipulated DH like this through his childhood. It's a new revelation. FIL is alive and well and simply puts up with her BS.

[Anonymous]

Does yor DH have additional family around? I think it sounds like mental illness. Even if you think it seems self-serving. It still could be signs of a mental illness or dementia and she is embarrassed and trying to cover up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds like her particular brand of social anxiety and low-confidence pushes her to lie instead of just own her decisions. I would pity her, not castigate her. After all, she's hasn't done anything too drastic, OP.

Those were mild examples. She had produced "bigger" lies but I can't really discuss them for privacy reasons, as I wish to remain anonymous.

Ah, OK. You should broach the subject with your husband and FIL. If she is putting herself, or others, in danger, it needs to be addressed. She could perhaps be persuaded to visit a psychiatrist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH think? Also, is FIL still alive and well?

I am learning that she had manipulated DH like this through his childhood. It's a new revelation. FIL is alive and well and simply puts up with her BS.

Ah, ok. Sounds like she acts like a child, but is not terribly malignant? Are you concerned more about her health, or how to deal with her? If latter, I would go with treating her like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does yor DH have additional family around? I think it sounds like mental illness. Even if you think it seems self-serving. It still could be signs of a mental illness or dementia and she is embarrassed and trying to cover up.

No, one sibling and a spouse live on the other side of the country. She meets up with them for fun trips like skiing. She is on her best behavior with them and seems not to have any problems that she shows us. With DH and myself she is local and more involved but incredibly evasive of all and any responsibilities that she volunteers for. She is incredibly self-serving so it's hard for me to believe it's a mental illness but it could be for all I know. I am leaning towards it being personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder and/or narcissistic personality disorder. For example, she was very quick to take portion of the meal I prepared to the sick friend, which was weird since she expressed how she some kind of food aversion and doesn't want to handle it (she is very worried about her public reputation and often presents herself as a martyr to her friends).

[Anonymous]

Does she make you and DH feel guilty or obligated? Or to fear for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she make you and DH feel guilty or obligated? Or to fear for her?

Guilty. She had done it in quiet and evasive ways such as saying: "You disappointed me". DH is emotional guy and this deeply impacted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she make you and DH feel guilty or obligated? Or to fear for her?

Guilty. She had done it in quiet and evasive ways such as saying: "You disappointed me". DH is emotional guy and this deeply impacted him.

Look at the descriptions for BPD and NPD (also look for subsequent posters to blast you - sorry in advance). MIL doesn't sound soooo bad according to your desciption but signs are there. She can perform for others. She takes stuff out on people who are closer.