Kids + Eating + Family

[Anonymous]

This will probably come out as a ramble, but I wanted someone else’s take. My DD and niece are both 3, born 2 weeks apart. They are both big for their age - height and weight. We grow ‘em big I guess? My daughter is a couple inches taller and probably a couple pounds heavier. She definitely feels heavier than my niece. Neither look overweight in any way. My daughter has always been about 60-70% weight to height (85%+ is considered “overweight”). Back about 6-12 mo ago my sister was all upset that her daughter was flagged as overweight due to this percentile. I assured her it’s only a snapshot in time and to not worry. We see the same pediatrician. Anyhow, this is all background info because last night we were all together and after picking up my DD the comment was made “how can niece be overweight and DD not?!” I was just floored they would say that at all and especially in front of her. Both girls look perfectly normal (albeit taller, and therefore heavier, than most their age but in proportion to their height).

Then we were eating dinner... like most 3 year olds, my daughter is hit and miss on how much she eats. As long as she tries a bite of everything, she is allowed to say she is done. I won’t force her to eat but she’s not allowed to have a treat if she doesn’t eat a modest amount of dinner. So last night, she ate a good bit of salad and pizza, sat at the table politely, said she was full and asked to go play. I said yes. My mom jumped in and said “oh no, you have to eat more or you won’t get a treat!” And encourages her to eat more of her pizza and then gave her a cookie. Then later gave her 2 big scoops of ice cream! I tried explaining our rules/philosophy on eating and it was just met with eye rolls. Maybe this is more of a vent, but I was just really put off by the whole night and not really sure how to respond?

[Anonymous]

I would ask my sister to not make comments about food or weight in front of my child. There are enough social pressures on young girls to look and act a certain way, I wouldn't want any negativity coming from a family member. Along these lines, I would also not worry too much about ice cream or definitely don't try to chastise your mom in front of your DD. Both scenarios can foster unhealthy relationships with food.

My mom always gives my child ice cream and fast food. It drives me nuts (the fast food always causes a stomach ache!), but I don't say anything because she's got this weird obsession with "spoiling" her grandchildren with crappy food. If I object, she'll just think that my kid is even more deprived of "special treats" when she's not around (we don't eat fast food at all, but we bake cookies together often). She's not local so it's not really a big deal in the long run.

Pick your battles, but just make your kids aren't around to hear you all worrying about food and weight. It does have long term effects, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Tell your sister to not to make comments regarding weight in front of children. FWIW, if your niece is considered overweight, more than likely so is your DD.

[Anonymous]

So this kind of stuff would happen at my brother's house. I was pissed, but ignored it because I only saw him once a year or so. Fast forward a few years and his daughter has a serious case of an eating disorder and was hospitalized for the better part of a year. Guess who no longer criticizes what people eat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your sister to not to make comments regarding weight in front of children. FWIW, if your niece is considered overweight, more than likely so is your DD.

OP here. She’s not. Per my post she’s at 60-70th percentile for height to weight. Overweight is 85th+ percentile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will probably come out as a ramble, but I wanted someone else’s take. My DD and niece are both 3, born 2 weeks apart. They are both big for their age - height and weight. We grow ‘em big I guess? My daughter is a couple inches taller and probably a couple pounds heavier. She definitely feels heavier than my niece. Neither look overweight in any way. My daughter has always been about 60-70% weight to height (85%+ is considered “overweight”). Back about 6-12 mo ago my sister was all upset that her daughter was flagged as overweight due to this percentile. I assured her it’s only a snapshot in time and to not worry. We see the same pediatrician. Anyhow, this is all background info because last night we were all together and after picking up my DD the comment was made “how can niece be overweight and DD not?!” I was just floored they would say that at all and especially in front of her. Both girls look perfectly normal (albeit taller, and therefore heavier, than most their age but in proportion to their height).

Then we were eating dinner... like most 3 year olds, my daughter is hit and miss on how much she eats. As long as she tries a bite of everything, she is allowed to say she is done. I won’t force her to eat but she’s not allowed to have a treat if she doesn’t eat a modest amount of dinner. So last night, she ate a good bit of salad and pizza, sat at the table politely, said she was full and asked to go play. I said yes. My mom jumped in and said “oh no, you have to eat more or you won’t get a treat!” And encourages her to eat more of her pizza and then gave her a cookie. Then later gave her 2 big scoops of ice cream! I tried explaining our rules/philosophy on eating and it was just met with eye rolls. Maybe this is more of a vent, but I was just really put off by the whole night and not really sure how to respond?

To your sister I'd just stop engaging about it. Smile and nod. To what your mom said - I'd have interrupted and said "no, mom, don't contradict me please. Larla- you may be excused"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will probably come out as a ramble, but I wanted someone else’s take. My DD and niece are both 3, born 2 weeks apart. They are both big for their age - height and weight. We grow ‘em big I guess? My daughter is a couple inches taller and probably a couple pounds heavier. She definitely feels heavier than my niece. Neither look overweight in any way. My daughter has always been about 60-70% weight to height (85%+ is considered “overweight”). Back about 6-12 mo ago my sister was all upset that her daughter was flagged as overweight due to this percentile. I assured her it’s only a snapshot in time and to not worry. We see the same pediatrician. Anyhow, this is all background info because last night we were all together and after picking up my DD the comment was made “how can niece be overweight and DD not?!” I was just floored they would say that at all and especially in front of her. Both girls look perfectly normal (albeit taller, and therefore heavier, than most their age but in proportion to their height).

Then we were eating dinner... like most 3 year olds, my daughter is hit and miss on how much she eats. As long as she tries a bite of everything, she is allowed to say she is done. I won’t force her to eat but she’s not allowed to have a treat if she doesn’t eat a modest amount of dinner. So last night, she ate a good bit of salad and pizza, sat at the table politely, said she was full and asked to go play. I said yes. My mom jumped in and said “oh no, you have to eat more or you won’t get a treat!” And encourages her to eat more of her pizza and then gave her a cookie. Then later gave her 2 big scoops of ice cream! I tried explaining our rules/philosophy on eating and it was just met with eye rolls. Maybe this is more of a vent, but I was just really put off by the whole night and not really sure how to respond?

To your sister I'd just stop engaging about it. Smile and nod. To what your mom said - I'd have interrupted and said "no, mom, don't contradict me please. Larla- you may be excused"

OP here... sister wasn’t the one who commented... it was my mom after picking her up.

[Anonymous]

You feed your daughter pizza and ice cream for dinner???? It's no wonder that she's overweight and it's not healthy. Parents like you are the reason why this country is suffering from an obesity crisis!

[Anonymous]

I would have overruled my mother. Under no circumstances will I allow my healthy weight child be told to eat more after she has decided she has had enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my sister to not make comments about food or weight in front of my child. There are enough social pressures on young girls to look and act a certain way, I wouldn't want any negativity coming from a family member. Along these lines, I would also not worry too much about ice cream or definitely don't try to chastise your mom in front of your DD. Both scenarios can foster unhealthy relationships with food.

My mom always gives my child ice cream and fast food. It drives me nuts (the fast food always causes a stomach ache!), but I don't say anything because she's got this weird obsession with "spoiling" her grandchildren with crappy food. If I object, she'll just think that my kid is even more deprived of "special treats" when she's not around (we don't eat fast food at all, but we bake cookies together often). She's not local so it's not really a big deal in the long run.

Pick your battles, but just make your kids aren't around to hear you all worrying about food and weight. It does have long term effects, sadly.

You missed the point. It’s not about the treats. It’s about the grandma trying to make the kid eat more food (especially something like pizza!) when the kid is saying she’s done. The grandma threatened to withhold dessert if the kid didn’t eat MORE. This would really piss me off.

In the moment I’d say son playful like “Oh, grandma forgot our rule about trying food!” Smile “Go play! We’ll call you when it’s time for dessert!”

Then talk to your mom when your daughter is not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my sister to not make comments about food or weight in front of my child. There are enough social pressures on young girls to look and act a certain way, I wouldn't want any negativity coming from a family member. Along these lines, I would also not worry too much about ice cream or definitely don't try to chastise your mom in front of your DD. Both scenarios can foster unhealthy relationships with food.

My mom always gives my child ice cream and fast food. It drives me nuts (the fast food always causes a stomach ache!), but I don't say anything because she's got this weird obsession with "spoiling" her grandchildren with crappy food. If I object, she'll just think that my kid is even more deprived of "special treats" when she's not around (we don't eat fast food at all, but we bake cookies together often). She's not local so it's not really a big deal in the long run.

Pick your battles, but just make your kids aren't around to hear you all worrying about food and weight. It does have long term effects, sadly.

You missed the point. It’s not about the treats. It’s about the grandma trying to make the kid eat more food (especially something like pizza!) when the kid is saying she’s done. The grandma threatened to withhold dessert if the kid didn’t eat MORE. This would really piss me off.

In the moment I’d say son playful like “Oh, grandma forgot our rule about trying food!” Smile “Go play! We’ll call you when it’s time for dessert!”

Then talk to your mom when your daughter is not there.

I think it depends on if Grandma is local or only sees the grandchildren a few times a year. My mother also likes to spoil my kids. She can have her own rules, even rules that I would never agree with. She doesn't see my kids every day or even every week though. That would be different.

[Anonymous]

Just a comment on the overweight classification:

Both my kids have been at least 80% percentile for weight and have never been considered overweight. Probably because they’re also ridiculously tall - 98% percentile for height.

The pediatrician just enters the numbers into a kid BMI calculator. Usually if the weight percentile is higher than the height percentile the kid is considered overweight. That said, at young ages it’s not a very meaningful indicator.

However, given your story about DD, I would be concerned.

How much time does she spend with your mom? What you describe is basically teaching a kid to override satiety. Not a big deal at age 3, but a much harder lesson to unlearn as an adult. Personally, I would have a conversation with my mom. And if the behavior continued, I would contradict her every time. You can firmly and politely tell DD that she doesn’t have to eat if she’s not hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my sister to not make comments about food or weight in front of my child. There are enough social pressures on young girls to look and act a certain way, I wouldn't want any negativity coming from a family member. Along these lines, I would also not worry too much about ice cream or definitely don't try to chastise your mom in front of your DD. Both scenarios can foster unhealthy relationships with food.

My mom always gives my child ice cream and fast food. It drives me nuts (the fast food always causes a stomach ache!), but I don't say anything because she's got this weird obsession with "spoiling" her grandchildren with crappy food. If I object, she'll just think that my kid is even more deprived of "special treats" when she's not around (we don't eat fast food at all, but we bake cookies together often). She's not local so it's not really a big deal in the long run.

Pick your battles, but just make your kids aren't around to hear you all worrying about food and weight. It does have long term effects, sadly.

You missed the point. It’s not about the treats. It’s about the grandma trying to make the kid eat more food (especially something like pizza!) when the kid is saying she’s done. The grandma threatened to withhold dessert if the kid didn’t eat MORE. This would really piss me off.

In the moment I’d say son playful like “Oh, grandma forgot our rule about trying food!” Smile “Go play! We’ll call you when it’s time for dessert!”

Then talk to your mom when your daughter is not there.

I think it depends on if Grandma is local or only sees the grandchildren a few times a year. My mother also likes to spoil my kids. She can have her own rules, even rules that I would never agree with. She doesn't see my kids every day or even every week though. That would be different.

OP, how much time does your DD spend with your mom?

If she’s local and you spend a lot of time with her, you need to put your foot down. Intervene every time. “Actually, DD you can leave the table now.” Say this and start clearing her plate as an additional sign that it’s okay to be done with dinner. I generally strongly dislike contradicting adults in front of young kids, but if you’ve already talked to your mom and she doesn’t get it, that’s what you have to do.

If your mom only visits a few times a year, I would let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my sister to not make comments about food or weight in front of my child. There are enough social pressures on young girls to look and act a certain way, I wouldn't want any negativity coming from a family member. Along these lines, I would also not worry too much about ice cream or definitely don't try to chastise your mom in front of your DD. Both scenarios can foster unhealthy relationships with food.

My mom always gives my child ice cream and fast food. It drives me nuts (the fast food always causes a stomach ache!), but I don't say anything because she's got this weird obsession with "spoiling" her grandchildren with crappy food. If I object, she'll just think that my kid is even more deprived of "special treats" when she's not around (we don't eat fast food at all, but we bake cookies together often). She's not local so it's not really a big deal in the long run.

Pick your battles, but just make your kids aren't around to hear you all worrying about food and weight. It does have long term effects, sadly.

You missed the point. It’s not about the treats. It’s about the grandma trying to make the kid eat more food (especially something like pizza!) when the kid is saying she’s done. The grandma threatened to withhold dessert if the kid didn’t eat MORE. This would really piss me off.

In the moment I’d say son playful like “Oh, grandma forgot our rule about trying food!” Smile “Go play! We’ll call you when it’s time for dessert!”

Then talk to your mom when your daughter is not there.

I think it depends on if Grandma is local or only sees the grandchildren a few times a year. My mother also likes to spoil my kids. She can have her own rules, even rules that I would never agree with. She doesn't see my kids every day or even every week though. That would be different.

OP, how much time does your DD spend with your mom?

If she’s local and you spend a lot of time with her, you need to put your foot down. Intervene every time. “Actually, DD you can leave the table now.” Say this and start clearing her plate as an additional sign that it’s okay to be done with dinner. I generally strongly dislike contradicting adults in front of young kids, but if you’ve already talked to your mom and she doesn’t get it, that’s what you have to do.

If your mom only visits a few times a year, I would let it go.

+1 about the local vs. not local scenario.

My grandmother lived around the corner from me and would frequently watch me while my parents worked. She was morbidly obese and I did not have much of an appetite as a kid until I had my tonsils out at age 8. She had the "clean your plate or else" mentality and would guilt me into eating more by saying things like, "There are people in this country who are starving. You have to eat every drop of yogurt in that container." When I was a tween and teenager, she would always serve me enough food for three or four people despite my mother telling her to stop feeding me so much. I was obese as a tween and teenager and I believe that my experiences with my grandmother definitely played a role. When I lost the weight in my early 20s, she constantly made negative comments and even bought me a cake when I hit my weight loss goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask my sister to not make comments about food or weight in front of my child. There are enough social pressures on young girls to look and act a certain way, I wouldn't want any negativity coming from a family member. Along these lines, I would also not worry too much about ice cream or definitely don't try to chastise your mom in front of your DD. Both scenarios can foster unhealthy relationships with food.

My mom always gives my child ice cream and fast food. It drives me nuts (the fast food always causes a stomach ache!), but I don't say anything because she's got this weird obsession with "spoiling" her grandchildren with crappy food. If I object, she'll just think that my kid is even more deprived of "special treats" when she's not around (we don't eat fast food at all, but we bake cookies together often). She's not local so it's not really a big deal in the long run.

Pick your battles, but just make your kids aren't around to hear you all worrying about food and weight. It does have long term effects, sadly.

You missed the point. It’s not about the treats. It’s about the grandma trying to make the kid eat more food (especially something like pizza!) when the kid is saying she’s done. The grandma threatened to withhold dessert if the kid didn’t eat MORE. This would really piss me off.

In the moment I’d say son playful like “Oh, grandma forgot our rule about trying food!” Smile “Go play! We’ll call you when it’s time for dessert!”

Then talk to your mom when your daughter is not there.

I think it depends on if Grandma is local or only sees the grandchildren a few times a year. My mother also likes to spoil my kids. She can have her own rules, even rules that I would never agree with. She doesn't see my kids every day or even every week though. That would be different.

She's local