Vent: job frustrations leaking into relationship

[Anonymous]

I had a trying week at work - a large group of employees got laid off and I was close friends with some. I have been, admittedly, short with DH. I told him when it was happening that I felt like this was going to be one of those weeks he needed to pick up the slack more than usual.

Usually he handles AM drop offs, and I handle afternoon pick up while he does dinner. Tonight he called me and asked told me to pick something up when I was already close to home and I snapped (I later apologized) but he took this time to tell me how selfish I was and how terrible I am compartmentalizing. He said that I need to get a new job if I can’t handle the frustrations of my current one.

I’m so hurt because it feels like it’s normal to feel upset that coworkers/ friends have been laid off and to feel disheveled about it but his response was so cold I don’t even know how to respond back.

[Anonymous]

It’s normal to feel upset about coworkers/friends. It’s not normal or fair to take it out on your DH or family. You don’t get a free pass to be a b!tch. You sound like you have some growing up to do.

[Anonymous]

You're in for a long haul if you can't separate work and family.

[Anonymous]

Family should be the safe harbor away from stresses. It's not your husbands fault you're having a bad week and he shouldn't have to pay for it. You could have said "I'm almost home home and I'm having a bad day, is there any way we can do without that item and I'll get it tomorrow?" Then go from there. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If someone you admired saw you treat your husband that way, wouldn't you be embarrassed? If so, then don't do that when no one is watching. Treat your husband with the respect you want in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a trying week at work - a large group of employees got laid off and I was close friends with some. I have been, admittedly, short with DH. I told him when it was happening that I felt like this was going to be one of those weeks he needed to pick up the slack more than usual.

Usually he handles AM drop offs, and I handle afternoon pick up while he does dinner. Tonight he called me and asked told me to pick something up when I was already close to home and I snapped (I later apologized) but he took this time to tell me how selfish I was and how terrible I am compartmentalizing. He said that I need to get a new job if I can’t handle the frustrations of my current one.

I’m so hurt because it feels like it’s normal to feel upset that coworkers/ friends have been laid off and to feel disheveled about it but his response was so cold I don’t even know how to respond back.

Are you, perchance, in journalism?

Part of it, in your DH's case, is that journalism is a dying industry and he might be trying to save you from more frustration in the end.

If not, he might actually be trying to save you in the end too. If your job is leaking into how you deal with your family, you need to change your job. It's way easier to find a new job than it is to get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family should be the safe harbor away from stresses. It's not your husbands fault you're having a bad week and he shouldn't have to pay for it. You could have said "I'm almost home home and I'm having a bad day, is there any way we can do without that item and I'll get it tomorrow?" Then go from there. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If someone you admired saw you treat your husband that way, wouldn't you be embarrassed? If so, then don't do that when no one is watching. Treat your husband with the respect you want in return.

+1

I remember when the company I was working for went bankrupt and it was a matter of when not if I would be laid off, I was very stressed. Emotionally I was coping with anxiousness about money and finding a new job. In addition, there was this sense of betrayal that you could work your butt off (and I had just worked overtime over the holidays getting must done last minute system changes completed) and get laid off thru no fault of your own while the folks at the top that got the company into the mess would have payouts. So although I was upset, I realized as pp said that my family should be the safe harbor. Jobs come and go and they will replace you/lay off people in a heartbeat. I was fortunate to have a wonderful husband and amazing kids (even though they drive me crazy some time) and didn’t want to lose sight of that.

I don’t agree with your DH saying you were selfish from a communication standpoint that rather than calling a name/saying you are like that as a person it should be about the behavior and the impact on him. However I do agree with him that you don’t get a pass to treat him crappy.

[Anonymous]

You should apologize to DH immediately

[Anonymous]

My ex-DH would lash out of if I asked him to do something. He would call me me names, give me the silent treatment, if we were driving, he would drive aggressively, and once when he was really mad, he spit in my face.

In marital counseling, he told me it was because work was really stressful.

I don’t think this is OK, OP. Yes, your friends were laid off, and that is sad, but it 1) doesn’t excuse you from contributing to household tasks, 2) it doesn’t allow you to abuse your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family should be the safe harbor away from stresses. It's not your husbands fault you're having a bad week and he shouldn't have to pay for it. You could have said "I'm almost home home and I'm having a bad day, is there any way we can do without that item and I'll get it tomorrow?" Then go from there. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If someone you admired saw you treat your husband that way, wouldn't you be embarrassed? If so, then don't do that when no one is watching. Treat your husband with the respect you want in return.

This. I've had those Weeks from Hell before, and if my husband asked me to do something like that, I just say, "Honestly, it's been one of those days and I just don't have it in me tonight. Can you do it, or could I do it tomorrow?" A request is not a command, it's okay to say no, but not okay to be rude about it.

[Anonymous]

I think you should apologize, but your husband was also out of line. He could have just said, "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. I know work is awful this week, but it's not fair to take it out on me." Having a bunch of people get laid off is just miserable, regardless of what your job is, and it's pretty dickish to say that you should get a new job because you can't handle this one.

[Anonymous]

DH is totally wrong. He should be there for your needs and shouldn't put extra stress on you. He sounds selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is totally wrong. He should be there for your needs and shouldn't put extra stress on you. He sounds selfish.

Lol!

[Anonymous]

You have to learn how to talk to each other when you’re in a difficult emotional space, without taking frustration out on each other, or pushing each other away. That’s the key takeaway here. There will be challenging external circumstances often in life. Use them to solidify, not threaten, your bond with your partner.

[Anonymous]

Even when it’s a hard week, the show must still go on. I understand it’s hard to see friends get laid off, but you’re obviously one of the “survivors”, so you need to deal and move on. Sounds like you’ve been nasty all week, and that’s not cool to ake it out on your family.