Monitoring phone

[Anonymous]

My almost 13 has had a phone for a year and I am rueing the day I ever allowed. We have constant fights about boundaries. The agreement was no phone at night and that is now out the window. I also said no social media and now child is on Snapchat all the time. I also said I need to look from time to time. I started looking when I noticed a personality change and got an eyeful. Bad language/inappropriate content that I consider bullying. List goes on and on. Now I have caught my dd changing passcodes and attempting to hide her laptop. I am exhausted but feel we have gotten to a place where child feels that she is supposed to have complete privacy. If I had looked and saw nothing I would only be looking time to time but I have seen horrible things including a so called friend just being awful. By my looking we were able to talk about how to handle some of these complicated things but she is definitely trying to get more secretive. Child is an excellent student etc but could see how good kids go down a bad path if parents are not aware. What do other people do?

[Anonymous]

Take the phone away. I took my 13-year-olds phone away over Christmas break and he just now got it back.

And when you give the phone back set your boundaries. You said no phone in the room at night is "out the window" No, don't allow this. Either the phone is not in the room at night or it gets completely taken away.

Trust me, I know it's not easy. My son was a total PITA with trying to stretch the boundaries regarding the phone rules. Don't let them wear you down, stick to your guns. It's worth it.

[Anonymous]

NP here whose 13 year old will soon get an Iphone in preparation for high school. What are tried and tested rules/apps that have worked for parents? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

This is OP thanks for replies. I have been a mess all morning. My dd is a great kid but I know we are watching how someone goes down wrong path. She has literally screamed at me when I try to enforce anything. It goes into a chaotic situation with yelling. I am also frustrated that none of these kids parents are watching their phones because the stuff I have seen is awful. I am not close enough with anyone to contact and friends with older kids say if you call another parent it does not go well. If I could do this again I would do things differently. I would create a contact with listed punishment if not followed. I would also say no to Snapchat before high school-I think by hs they can control themselves more. I would start first year with my having everything on phone going on my phone so sort of a tiered process in. I would say I need to agree on all downloaded app-some of these app are just bulking vehicles

[Anonymous]

OP- you have to be consistent. If you stop enforcing a rule because you don't have the energy for that battle, DD will exploit that with every ounce of her energy. If a rule goes "out the window" it's because you allowed that to happen.

[Anonymous]

I agree it’s an awful time suck.
Figure out the rules you need to stand by. If she violates, loses phone for X days. If she yells st you about it, additional days added.
I hate doing this but it’s necessary.
I would delete Snapchat and restrict phone from downloading apps without permission. (Also make sure no Netflix on phone....they’ll watch all sorts of inappropriate stuff.)

I’m personally considering one of those services that tracks everything on phone but I’m not sure I’m there yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- you have to be consistent. If you stop enforcing a rule because you don't have the energy for that battle, DD will exploit that with every ounce of her energy. If a rule goes "out the window" it's because you allowed that to happen.

Agree. You have the power, you just don’t want to use it. It’s not your job to be her best friend, it’s your job to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Take the phone away. Delete Snapchat. I gave in on Instagram and regret it, but have held firm against Snapchat.

When she break the rules you have to be consistent and take it away.

my almost 13 yr old had to sign a 2 page contract that is on a magnet board in her room. When she breaks the rules we tell her to look at the contract. I have also used screen time to limit social media and YouTube time.
I always hear how other kids dont have limits and restrictions. I don’t care about keeping up w the Jones’ on thos and know she will be better in the long run

I think you just need to take her phone and tell her why. If you continue to let it go you will never get control of the situation. You pay for the phone likely so you reserve the right to take it away

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t take the mindset that all is lost bc the cat is out of the bag, so to speak. She needs to behave well and follow rules to have a phone. Full stop. It’s a privilege. Tell her she is behaving mature enough to have it. Take it away. Then let her earn it back with restrictions. Do you research about how harmful this technology can be causing depression, etc and share it with your daughter so she knows there are reasons that you are doing this (in addition to her not following rules, being secretive, and yelling.) This should be like any other parenting decision, you get shots even though they hurt, you do chores, even though they aren’t fun, you earn phone privileges and there are house rules....GL

[Anonymous]

Disney Circle. Locks down and limits the wifi. Has been quite helpful here. I can tell when my kids hit their limits. It's when they come out of their room and look for a book.

[Anonymous]

My 13-year old's phone is sititng on the counter right now. My husband and I were fed up with screen time and he lost it completely for a week and now he can check messages at a certain time, etc. but no more free reign with it.

I also noticed personality change, spaciness, etc. Granted most was playing games with friends and watching stupid youtube videos.

None of us take cell phones to bedrooms at night. That was never allowed. I am shocked when my kid has been asleep 2 hours and there are incoming texts from friends--on school nights too. We never text anyone past a certain time at night--we treat it like a landline.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to enforce the rules you've set. It sounds like you set a rule--then you're child breaks it and you accept this and there's no consequence. You're the boss. Take control.

[Anonymous]

I make very clear to my kids that they have no expectation of privacy on their phones. In part, because nothing on the internet is private. In part, because I pay for the phone. And in part, because they are minors and I am their parent and I am responsible for them. So they know that I can look at anything on their phone or social media account at any time. Breaking the rules (when and where the phone can be used, what apps can be used, bullying behavior on social media, etc.) means that they lose the phone. Period.

If you set a rule and don't enforce it, it's not a rule.

[Anonymous]

Not only that, my kids iPhones are linked to my account. They can download nothing without my password. This means no SnapChat for my kids. Oh well. Phones downstairs overnight, no phones allowed upstairs, ever. When it happens, phone gets taken away 24 hours the first time, 48 the second time, etc. None of them have ever had it taken away more than 72 hours for having it in their room, because they learned we meant it!

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old has no phone, only an ipod for texting. I felt like she got obsessive about it, and had a bit of a personality change, and took it away for a couple weeks. In the end, she felt rather grateful, I think. She also doesn't like the effect it has on her, but it's like addiction. You need to take it away for a bit, OP, and figure out how to set some ground rules that you enforce.