The Bad News About Helicopter Parenting: It Works

[Anonymous]

I didn’t see this posted anywhere else, hopefully I didn’t miss it.

Did anyone else see this article today? Thoughts?

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/07/opinion/helicopter-parents-economy.html

[Anonymous]

I feel like the article kind of misrepresents the author's thesis. Read this instead:
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/02/american-parents-scandinavian-different/582103/

The author of 'love, money and parenting' wanted to know why parenting was fun in Scandinavia where he used to live, and not so fun in America, where he now lives. he concludes that in Scandinavia there's much less payoff for being the best student, etc. since all of the schools are pretty good (don't have to have a fortune to live in a good school district); and since all the universities are pretty good too (You're not going to die if you don't get into princeton).

In other words, there's not a sense in Scandinavia that if you fall behind, your kid is going to be downwardly mobile and doomed to a life of poverty.

Parenting is less fun in America because it's perceived as incredibly high stakes, and it's considered possible to screw it up and suffer the consequences.

So we're starting to parent more like people do in places like India where education is your ticket out of poverty.

Personally, this just makes me sad. The message I took away wasn't "helicopter parenting works" but rather "how sad that in America childhood is no longer fun."

[Anonymous]

The article certainly did mention that inequality drives a fear and division between those who can marshal more resources and those left to chance. Inequality needs to be addressed so that the result can be a more relaxed and hopeful outcome for our children.

[Anonymous]

Sending kids to private school and paying for lots of activities isn’t helicopter parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the article kind of misrepresents the author's thesis. Read this instead:
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/02/american-parents-scandinavian-different/582103/

The author of 'love, money and parenting' wanted to know why parenting was fun in Scandinavia where he used to live, and not so fun in America, where he now lives. he concludes that in Scandinavia there's much less payoff for being the best student, etc. since all of the schools are pretty good (don't have to have a fortune to live in a good school district); and since all the universities are pretty good too (You're not going to die if you don't get into princeton).

In other words, there's not a sense in Scandinavia that if you fall behind, your kid is going to be downwardly mobile and doomed to a life of poverty.

Parenting is less fun in America because it's perceived as incredibly high stakes, and it's considered possible to screw it up and suffer the consequences.

So we're starting to parent more like people do in places like India where education is your ticket out of poverty.

Personally, this just makes me sad. The message I took away wasn't "helicopter parenting works" but rather "how sad that in America childhood is no longer fun."

There’s actually a lot of mental illness and high suicide rates in Scandinavia. The culture can be stifling. Everyone is the SAME. You’re supposed to go along with the status quo. Laws and taxes keep everyone the same. So there is NO point in trying to pressure your kid to go to a top school, certain career, etc. because it ultimately will make very little difference in their life.

FWIW, there are serious waiting lists for top daycares in one Scandinavian country. It’s not as egalitarian as you might think

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending kids to private school and paying for lots of activities isn’t helicopter parenting.

Yes it is.

[Anonymous]

Nah. I did the opposite. Healthy, productive hard working kid. Helicoptering handicaps them in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the article kind of misrepresents the author's thesis. Read this instead:
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/02/american-parents-scandinavian-different/582103/

The author of 'love, money and parenting' wanted to know why parenting was fun in Scandinavia where he used to live, and not so fun in America, where he now lives. he concludes that in Scandinavia there's much less payoff for being the best student, etc. since all of the schools are pretty good (don't have to have a fortune to live in a good school district); and since all the universities are pretty good too (You're not going to die if you don't get into princeton).

In other words, there's not a sense in Scandinavia that if you fall behind, your kid is going to be downwardly mobile and doomed to a life of poverty.

Parenting is less fun in America because it's perceived as incredibly high stakes, and it's considered possible to screw it up and suffer the consequences.

So we're starting to parent more like people do in places like India where education is your ticket out of poverty.

Personally, this just makes me sad. The message I took away wasn't "helicopter parenting works" but rather "how sad that in America childhood is no longer fun."

There’s actually a lot of mental illness and high suicide rates in Scandinavia. The culture can be stifling. Everyone is the SAME. You’re supposed to go along with the status quo. Laws and taxes keep everyone the same. So there is NO point in trying to pressure your kid to go to a top school, certain career, etc. because it ultimately will make very little difference in their life.

FWIW, there are serious waiting lists for top daycares in one Scandinavian country. It’s not as egalitarian as you might think

Of course there’s a point. There are people who are better off and who have more interesting careers that they have worked hard for. It’s just that no one is poor- which hopefully doesn’t pain you. But there’s a big difference between renting cars at the airport as a job and being a university professor. So there is a point to working hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the article kind of misrepresents the author's thesis. Read this instead:
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/02/american-parents-scandinavian-different/582103/

The author of 'love, money and parenting' wanted to know why parenting was fun in Scandinavia where he used to live, and not so fun in America, where he now lives. he concludes that in Scandinavia there's much less payoff for being the best student, etc. since all of the schools are pretty good (don't have to have a fortune to live in a good school district); and since all the universities are pretty good too (You're not going to die if you don't get into princeton).

In other words, there's not a sense in Scandinavia that if you fall behind, your kid is going to be downwardly mobile and doomed to a life of poverty.

Parenting is less fun in America because it's perceived as incredibly high stakes, and it's considered possible to screw it up and suffer the consequences.

So we're starting to parent more like people do in places like India where education is your ticket out of poverty.

Personally, this just makes me sad. The message I took away wasn't "helicopter parenting works" but rather "how sad that in America childhood is no longer fun."

There’s actually a lot of mental illness and high suicide rates in Scandinavia. The culture can be stifling. Everyone is the SAME. You’re supposed to go along with the status quo. Laws and taxes keep everyone the same. So there is NO point in trying to pressure your kid to go to a top school, certain career, etc. because it ultimately will make very little difference in their life.

FWIW, there are serious waiting lists for top daycares in one Scandinavian country. It’s not as egalitarian as you might think

Of course there’s a point. There are people who are better off and who have more interesting careers that they have worked hard for. It’s just that no one is poor- which hopefully doesn’t pain you. But there’s a big difference between renting cars at the airport as a job and being a university professor. So there is a point to working hard.

PP is right. The culture of conformity and punishing excellence in Sweden is modern and constricting. I also don't see that it will be permanent.

[Anonymous]

In other words, there's not a sense in Scandinavia that if you fall behind, your kid is going to be downwardly mobile and doomed to a life of poverty.

In Scandanavia there is far less competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the article kind of misrepresents the author's thesis. Read this instead:
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/02/american-parents-scandinavian-different/582103/

The author of 'love, money and parenting' wanted to know why parenting was fun in Scandinavia where he used to live, and not so fun in America, where he now lives. he concludes that in Scandinavia there's much less payoff for being the best student, etc. since all of the schools are pretty good (don't have to have a fortune to live in a good school district); and since all the universities are pretty good too (You're not going to die if you don't get into princeton).

In other words, there's not a sense in Scandinavia that if you fall behind, your kid is going to be downwardly mobile and doomed to a life of poverty.

Parenting is less fun in America because it's perceived as incredibly high stakes, and it's considered possible to screw it up and suffer the consequences.

So we're starting to parent more like people do in places like India where education is your ticket out of poverty.

Personally, this just makes me sad. The message I took away wasn't "helicopter parenting works" but rather "how sad that in America childhood is no longer fun."

There’s actually a lot of mental illness and high suicide rates in Scandinavia. The culture can be stifling. Everyone is the SAME. You’re supposed to go along with the status quo. Laws and taxes keep everyone the same. So there is NO point in trying to pressure your kid to go to a top school, certain career, etc. because it ultimately will make very little difference in their life.

FWIW, there are serious waiting lists for top daycares in one Scandinavian country. It’s not as egalitarian as you might think

Of course there’s a point. There are people who are better off and who have more interesting careers that they have worked hard for. It’s just that no one is poor- which hopefully doesn’t pain you. But there’s a big difference between renting cars at the airport as a job and being a university professor. So there is a point to working hard[i].

Not really. You won’t be much better off financially, you’ll retire with your gov pension at the same time (private retirement is less common), and you’ll have Access to the same healthcare. You might have a little more debt as personal debt is the highest in the world, but that’s about it.

[Anonymous]

My mother was a helicopter parent. By all measures, I am a successful person- I went to the best universities, have a great career, a great marriage, beautiful children.

But I do not consider her helicopter parenting to be remotely "successful."

For one thing, a lot of life is the journey, and helicopter parenting makes the child's journey as miserable as possible. I think I only did well because of a keen sense of self-preservation, and I don't have much of a relationship with the helicopter parent, who I suspect is mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending kids to private school and paying for lots of activities isn’t helicopter parenting.

I agree with the schooling part for sure. Probably the activities part as well, but if you're doing it so the child has the best chance to get into college, as opposed to for the benefit of the child, then I think that might cross over into helicopter parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending kids to private school and paying for lots of activities isn’t helicopter parenting.

Yes it is.

I think the author of the NYT article uses a non-mainstream definition of helicopter parenting.

Definition in the article: making sure your kid's time is spent on high-ROI activities.

Popular definition: micro-managing your child in their high-ROI activities so they don't have a chance to fail and learn from mistakes.

Private school and activities can fit the definition of both but only if the parent micro-manages.

For the record: there are high-ROI activities that don't have a high monetary cost cost; high-ROI activities can include intensive parental involvement; intensive parental involvement can be done in a way that still lets the child fail and learn from mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a helicopter parent. By all measures, I am a successful person- I went to the best universities, have a great career, a great marriage, beautiful children.

But I do not consider her helicopter parenting to be remotely "successful."

For one thing, a lot of life is the journey, and helicopter parenting makes the child's journey as miserable as possible. I think I only did well because of a keen sense of self-preservation, and I don't have much of a relationship with the helicopter parent, who I suspect is mentally ill.

+1.

I’m successful but my childhood was miserable.

Surprisingly, I have a great relationship with this parent. I realize she was doing her best and isn’t perfect.