Where to meet this type of man?

[Anonymous]

One of my good friends is married to what I consider to be a super upstanding, quality man. I want someone like that. He has values. He values his marriage, his wife, his family. He's generous. He's kind. He's thoughtful. I'm crushing on how "solid" he is, it's embarrassing. Most men I meet lack this set of values. They're more obsessed with the looks of a woman, bangability, money, career etc. This guy genuinely values authenticity, decency, he cares for his family, he cares for hers. It's not an act. How do I go about finding a good quality man, short of living through each one and seeing their character unfold? I'm assuming if I write "looking for a decent human" on my online profile, it won't cut it.

*I know he's not perfect, but these are the things I want in a partner. How do I go about finding them? And I asked her, and she said she got lucky. I also don't want to be weird or give her any reason to not trust me with him. So I cannot really keep asking her questions.

[Anonymous]

Step 1, stop using words like bangability.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? I feel like there are a lot of men like this out there. However, most are probably married if you are above the age of first marriage. If so, I'd look for widowers. Divorced guys often have a lot of baggage.

[Anonymous]

How? You posted on DCUM so just wait for all the quality men to start posting...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How? You posted on DCUM so just wait for all the quality men to start posting...

OP here, I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? I feel like there are a lot of men like this out there. However, most are probably married if you are above the age of first marriage. If so, I'd look for widowers. Divorced guys often have a lot of baggage.

I'm in my early thirties. Divorced, and agree that divorced guys have baggage. Besides, due to my own divorce, I'd never be able to fully trust a divorced guy. My ex was abusive and awful and still is but would come across as an angel. Ruined my ability to trust in my own judgement.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are so young! There should be plenty of men your age out there who have not yet married and are what you seek. I met my husband who is type you describe when I was in my early thirties. He had never been married. Just trust your gut...it's pretty obvious who the assholes are from reading their profile..and certainly by the first date. Don't make excuses for behavior that is unacceptable. You don't need to -- there are so many fish in the sea.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself if you share the values you're looking for in your next partner. If not, work on yourself. That said, there are lots of great men out there. But a lot of women don't see past $$$ to consider pursuing a guy who is a social worker and not a super high earner

And not wanting a divorced guy as a divorced woman is pretty absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if you share the values you're looking for in your next partner. If not, work on yourself. That said, there are lots of great men out there. But a lot of women don't see past $$$ to consider pursuing a guy who is a social worker and not a super high earner

And not wanting a divorced guy as a divorced woman is pretty absurd.

I do share those values, it's why I want them in a partner. And I'm aware that's possibly hypocritical, and I'm not against divorced guy purely because they're divorced, I'm just not interested in figuring out the truth behind the divorce. I'm not looking into getting involved with a guy who'll tell me his wife was awful, or they "just grew apart," then find out he cheated, hit her, and he doesn't pay child support to care for his kids. I've already been screwed over once, I don't want to go through it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are so young! There should be plenty of men your age out there who have not yet married and are what you seek. I met my husband who is type you describe when I was in my early thirties. He had never been married. Just trust your gut...it's pretty obvious who the assholes are from reading their profile..and certainly by the first date. Don't make excuses for behavior that is unacceptable. You don't need to -- there are so many fish in the sea.

Good advice, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Most of the men I know who fit your description are super religious, and usually Mormon. Trouble is, they tend to marry very young. But you could always try a church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask yourself if you share the values you're looking for in your next partner. If not, work on yourself. That said, there are lots of great men out there. But a lot of women don't see past $$$ to consider pursuing a guy who is a social worker and not a super high earner

And not wanting a divorced guy as a divorced woman is pretty absurd.

I do share those values, it's why I want them in a partner. And I'm aware that's possibly hypocritical, and I'm not against divorced guy purely because they're divorced, I'm just not interested in figuring out the truth behind the divorce. I'm not looking into getting involved with a guy who'll tell me his wife was awful, or they "just grew apart," then find out he cheated, hit her, and he doesn't pay child support to care for his kids. I've already been screwed over once, I don't want to go through it again.

He could have done all of those things without being married.

I was married to a physically abusive man, so I get having issues with trust. I am remarried to a divorced guy who has all of the qualities on your list. So don’t discount an entire population of guys because you think they aren’t good enough. You also need to figure out what your role was in the disintegration of your marriage because that will help you find the right type of person.

[Anonymous]

Your friend was right, it is just luck. I say that as someone who also got lucky and had a pretty decent husband, although I found out after a few years he had pretty low testosterone. I have seen other marriages turn out well but it almost always seems to have involved pure luck. So....good luck!

[Anonymous]

Find a guy who volunteers with a great cause - hopefully inspiring you to do the same. I find that guys who do...say foster dogs as an example, are stand up guys in other areas. People who think outside of themselves as long as they are not martyrs are good folk all around.

[Anonymous]

But how did your friend actually meet this guy - online? college? and what qualities does your friend have that attracted this guy?