Grandparents are Hoarders

[Anonymous]

My parents are hoarders. Compared to some on the t.v. show, they are not that bad, but still pretty bad.

They live out of state and when we visit for the holidays we stay with them. It can be very uncomfortable for us, and as my DD is getting older I am starting to fear her getting into trouble in the house or asking questions about their behavior.

Has anyone gone through this situation? What have you done to cope or deal? I love my parents and they love my child. They visit us 3-4 times a year, which avoids the problem. But in order for us to see extended family, we need to visit them at least once a year.

[Anonymous]

We had a similar problem and we simply sat down and explained to my MIL that we were concerned for the safety of our children and that if she did not clean up the 10 foot tall piles of newspaper and remove the closets full of moth-infested 1970's clothes, we would have to make alternative arrangements for our accommodations. It took one time of us visiting her state and staying with her ex-husband to clean up her act. Now she is still hoarding stuff, but she keeps it to the garage and her office (or at least when we visit, which is rarely).

[Anonymous]

Sorry I can't give you any advice but just know that you're not the only one dealing with this. I no longer speak to my mother and I haven't seen my father in years. It's very sad and unfortunate. Because of how I grew up, I am now a minimalist. I get rid of as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP. Hoarding is a very difficult behavior to change. Can you still in a hotel or with another relative?

[Anonymous]

I would make an excuse and stay in a hotel or with someone else. I don't think you are going to change their behavior and I think being straightforward is just likely to lead to hard feelings and possibly an estrangement.

[Anonymous]

My parents are hoarders - their house is totally out of control. My 5 year old can come over to their house to play but I can't have the baby over there - too much dangerous stuff around. I've talked to my mom about cleaning up for everyone's sake but it's not going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

I would stay in a hotel and avoid the discussion alltogether

[Anonymous]

My mom has hoarding tendancies, but has been able to clean out one (large) room in her house when we've come to visit. We spend time in that room and outdoors. Any chance this might work in your case, or is there just too much stuff?

[Anonymous]

Stay in a hotel. My parents were surprised/defensive the first time, but now everyone is used to the arrangement and it's a huge relief.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I appreciate your responses. I fear that if we stay in a hotel, we won't really get to see my parents very much at all. Plus, the cost is not really something we can easily absorb right now. I wish that were the case, but if we do end up staying at a hotel I know that what that would mean is that we rarely visit at all, sadly.

Now that our toddler is more active, hopefully this will be an impetus for them. Not that I am hopeful that after 30 years of hoarding their behavior will change too much, but at least they will have some added pressure.

I think I am just sadly going to have to visit them less if the situation doesn't change. I am also sad/worried about how to explain this to my child as she gets older. I love my parents so much, it just breaks my heart that we have this come between us.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother was a hoarder - very bad case she only really had 2 rooms of her house to live in - rest filled with stuff. In any case, we stayed there only up until I was about 10 and then we had to stay in motels/hotels. My mom could never convince her to clean up although she offered her help many times.

My parents and in-laws are not hoarders but have lots of dangerous for toddlers stuff and have not childproofed. We have a 3 year old and 16 month twins. All boys. Active. Like to climb. last weekend was the last at the in-laws for a while. no plans to see my parents until twins are 3 (it involves a plane ride and I just won't do it). I love my family but they can come see us. A bit of a selfish attitude, but they will get more offended if we ask them to get rid of stuff (or just won't do it which will bve frustrating). You do what you have to do...

[Anonymous]

Are both your parents like that? I thought generally it was only one who had the disorder and the other one was just kind of helpless about it. If it's only one of them, I might try to enlist the other one's help.

[Anonymous]

My parents are hoarders as well, I haven't been to their home in 2 years. My daughter has never been to their home. When I visit my hometown, I stay with my sister. I have approached the subject of helping to clean but I am rebuffed each time. It is my mother who is the hoarder and my father who is the enabler. My father would never go against my mother, so to the poster who said why don't you get the nonhoarder to convince the hoarder to clean up, I only wish it would be that simple.

If you are looking for advice and support I would highly recommend the children of hoarders website, www.childrenofhoarders.com. Good luck, I know how difficult the situation can be.

[Anonymous]

I am dealing with this myself and it is no joke. It is a sad psychological condition and is very hard to treat and impossible to treat if the hoarder doesn't think it's a problem. In my case, my mom started after all the kids left the house and it has slowly built up to now where the house is completely filled and my parents now sleep in my old bedroom. My mom says that she has a lot of expensive things that she can't let go of because they are important. This usually leads to an argument with me because I know it isn't healthy and frankly, I am embarrassed by this. I will stay at their home but only without the kids because it just isn't safe. I realize a hotel can be costly but there are always deals to be had so I think OP is just going to have to adjust her life because her mom is not going to change unless she wants to change. I am going to check out the website another poster listed. There was a show on this on Discovery that was very insightful.

[Anonymous]

I know it's not ideal to stay in a hotel, but I couldn't put myself or my child in the situation of staying with hoarders. From the TV shows I've seen about it (I watch a lot of Clean House and Hoarders), you just don't know what's under those piles and it seems like a hoarders' house would be the polar opposite of a babyproofed situation. Once a year I imagine you could afford a hotel. Perhaps you could plan some dinners out and other activities that are child-friendly so you see your folks but outside of their house?

I have a great-Aunt who I'm pretty sure has a hoarding disorder. The few times I've been to her house (she lives in rural Nebraska), it's been packed full of stuff, but at least it was still sanitary - her hoarding didn't extend to food or garbage, thank goodness. It's been years, though, so she might have degenerated by now. I'm sorry you have to deal with this!