Depressed DH won’t talk to me

[Anonymous]

My husband is, I think, seriously depressed. He told me today that he feels like he is old and the best days of his life are behind him. He’s barely speaking to me because of his mood. But he has no trouble socializing with his friends. We went out to dinner with another couple tonight and DH was talkative as ever. Got back in the car to go home and he once again gave me the silent treatment.

Is he taking out his low feelings on me because I’m the closest person to him? I’m trying really hard to understand and help him. He refuses to talk with a therapist. I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Respect him enough to let him cope himself. Give him space. Get happy yourself so you’re not inadvertently mirroring his depression. Drop everything and listen at the first sign he’s opening up and validate what he has to say don’t try and “fix” it. Also any sign of thoughts of suicide call his doctor and/or suicide helpline

[Anonymous]

I feel like I’ve been giving him space for years and it hasn’t changed. He had an abusive childhood and never got proper therapy for that.
Three years ago he lost his job and told me he just couldn’t go back to that industry, so we’ve been living on my salary while he tries to build his own business— which is fine, I’m happy that we can do this. But now that he has an enormous amount of freedom, he seems more depressed than ever. I think it’s very isolating for him to be on his own trying to build this business.

I shouldn’t take it personally but it hurts when he tells me he has nothing to look forward to and the best years of his life are over. It is hard to live with someone who is so negative and angry at the world. (I guess I do take it personally because I always do my best to be there for him and make him happy. I’ve also sacrificed a lot these past three years and worked extremely hard, and he’s not happy.)

Maybe I am the one who should go to therapy. I gently suggested last night to him that he doesn’t have to live this way, and a therapist could help, and his response was the same one he always gives on the rare occasions when I bring it up: “I’ll get over it.” Yes, but when? And what’s our marriage like in the meantime?

[Anonymous]

Countdown to someone saying you should divorce him, 5... 4... 3... 2...

[Anonymous]

Therapy for you. You are not here to make him happy. If he won't get help that is on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Countdown to someone saying you should divorce him, 5... 4... 3... 2...

Lol. I know! Divorce is not something I’m willing to consider at this time. I love him very much and despite the incomplete picture painted above, there are a lot of good things in our life together. We’ve been together for 20 years and I just can’t walk away because he’s going through a hard time.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is depressed and maybe a mid-life crisis. I find a lot of men think career succeess is a marker of a successful life. Right now, he is struggling and you are the one he has to rely on to bail him out so in a weird way he may resent you. Therapy would help.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. It sounds stressful and lonely. If you can swing it, I recommend you try individual therapy for you.

[Anonymous]

It likely isn't that he is giving you the silent treatment. Depression can be extremely exhausting and make it hard to find thoughts / words to talk. So he may be using up all his mental energy when he is with others and he has nothing left, needs to recharge when at home.

It is more he is comfortable in silence at home / with you as that is his comfort zone. It is like lying on the couch after a ton of exercise - you just don't feel like moving or in the case of depression talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy for you. You are not here to make him happy. If he won't get help that is on him.

Agree. My DH pulled the same thing. Wouldn't talk to me and I let his attitude drag me down for a while. Then I decided to be happy. I was not there to make him happy. That was on him. He was also letting me do all the work with the kids, the finances, the chores, etc...

I finally told him we needed to go talk to a professional together, otherwise divorce was on the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy for you. You are not here to make him happy. If he won't get help that is on him.

Agree. My DH pulled the same thing. Wouldn't talk to me and I let his attitude drag me down for a while. Then I decided to be happy. I was not there to make him happy. That was on him. He was also letting me do all the work with the kids, the finances, the chores, etc...

I finally told him we needed to go talk to a professional together, otherwise divorce was on the table.

And then what happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It likely isn't that he is giving you the silent treatment. Depression can be extremely exhausting and make it hard to find thoughts / words to talk. So he may be using up all his mental energy when he is with others and he has nothing left, needs to recharge when at home.

It is more he is comfortable in silence at home / with you as that is his comfort zone. It is like lying on the couch after a ton of exercise - you just don't feel like moving or in the case of depression talking.

This. It's not about you. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

At this time of the year, EVERYONE needs to be hitting the gym, getting out to ski, just doing something active. Also taking Vitamin D. It's a tough time of the year for everyone and most people feel low.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Lots of great feedback in this thread. Thank you, PP above, for pointing out that he’s not talking at home because that’s where he is comfortable and he’s using up his mental energy to get through this. That has given me a new perspective. Thank you.
I’m definitely going to find someone for individual therapy for me.

[Anonymous]

Willing to go out and socialize with friends then turns his happy mood into sad on the drive home? Doesn't sound like depression, more like moody.