Can anyone point me to some non-judgmental websites about young transgender children?

[Anonymous]

My cousin has a 4 year old girl who was born a boy. When she was two she started insisting on wearing girl clothes and growing out her hair, playing with dolls etc. For a couple of years this child was still referred to as a boy, he, etc., but now they are using female pronouns and introducing as a girl in preparation for starting kindergarten next year. I know they've met with a lot of doctors and done counseling and such - I trust that they are wonderful parents and really trying to make the best decisions.

I absolutely will be supportive of this. But internally (I'd never presume to vocalize this to my cousin or family) I worry about gender reassignment at such a young age. Is there research or guidance that I could read about to help me understand the process and reasoning behind the decisions they are making?

[Anonymous]

Here is a presentation from the Lurie Center about transgender children. The important point to remember is that there is a difference between saying "I am a boy who likes to do girly things," vs. "I was born as a boy, but really I am a girl." The second, if it persists long enough and causes distress, are the transgender kids. Only about 15 to 20% of gender-nonconforming kids are actually transgender. The controversy is about whether such a thing is actually possible in children, and if it is, whether we should make permanent physical changes in response to it.

https://www.aap.org/en-us/Documents/solgbt_webinar_transition_garofalo.pdf

[Anonymous]

Genderspectrum.org My son is trans (female to male). It’s been invaluable to DH and me during our son’s journey. He was older than your cousin’s child when he came out as trans so I can’t speak to that issue, only our experience with an older child.

It’s wonderful that you’re being supportive. You sound like a great aunt. I also think it’s awesome that you’re looking for more information and perspectives for the issues you have concerns about. Here’s another great site. https://transequality.org/issues/resources/supporting-the-transgender-people-in-your-life-a-guide-to-being-a-good-ally

I’d strongly suggest looking into a guide for supportive language vs offensive language. Gender reassignment has some negative connotations especially in the context you’re using it. She’s transitioning. (I know it’s going to seem nit picky to criticize language an ally uses, because you’re trying, but imagine being supportive of your cousin if her kid had Down syndrome and you said “how lovely that he learned his alphabet! You can barely tell he’s retarded.” ) Sometimes the wrong word choices get in the way of a supportive statement, and when it feels like the whole world is judging you, your parenting, and worst of all, your child, even well meaning family members can say things that make us prickly when they didn’t mean to. It’s not that we don’t appreciate your effort, it just feels like judgment (negative language) coming from our safe place (family).

If you really want to learn, be an ally, and meet members of the lgbt community (possibly trans people but it’ll vary), you could go to a PFLAG meeting. It’s a support group for the LGBT community, including allies-friends and family who want to be supportive. They’ll be happy to have you join, even if they know you’re trying to be supportive but you’re having trouble wrapping your mind around the issue. You’ll be able to share your stories and concerns, possibly meet someone who’s been there before, and they can probably provide more resources and suggestions for how you can be helpful.

As the parent of a trans child, let me say this with all my heart. The fact that you are still showing your love and support and acceptance (even with your internal conflict) is going to mean the world to them. They’re questioning every decision they have to make about their child, worrying every time she meets someone new, afraid for her safety and mental health, and as you can see from this thread, they’re hearing judgment from every direction. Allies are worth their weight in gold not just to trans kids, but to their parents as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genderspectrum.org My son is trans (female to male). It’s been invaluable to DH and me during our son’s journey. He was older than your cousin’s child when he came out as trans so I can’t speak to that issue, only our experience with an older child.

It’s wonderful that you’re being supportive. You sound like a great aunt. I also think it’s awesome that you’re looking for more information and perspectives for the issues you have concerns about. Here’s another great site. https://transequality.org/issues/resources/supporting-the-transgender-people-in-your-life-a-guide-to-being-a-good-ally

I’d strongly suggest looking into a guide for supportive language vs offensive language. Gender reassignment has some negative connotations especially in the context you’re using it. She’s transitioning. (I know it’s going to seem nit picky to criticize language an ally uses, because you’re trying, but imagine being supportive of your cousin if her kid had Down syndrome and you said “how lovely that he learned his alphabet! You can barely tell he’s retarded.” ) Sometimes the wrong word choices get in the way of a supportive statement, and when it feels like the whole world is judging you, your parenting, and worst of all, your child, even well meaning family members can say things that make us prickly when they didn’t mean to. It’s not that we don’t appreciate your effort, it just feels like judgment (negative language) coming from our safe place (family).

If you really want to learn, be an ally, and meet members of the lgbt community (possibly trans people but it’ll vary), you could go to a PFLAG meeting. It’s a support group for the LGBT community, including allies-friends and family who want to be supportive. They’ll be happy to have you join, even if they know you’re trying to be supportive but you’re having trouble wrapping your mind around the issue. You’ll be able to share your stories and concerns, possibly meet someone who’s been there before, and they can probably provide more resources and suggestions for how you can be helpful.

As the parent of a trans child, let me say this with all my heart. The fact that you are still showing your love and support and acceptance (even with your internal conflict) is going to mean the world to them. They’re questioning every decision they have to make about their child, worrying every time she meets someone new, afraid for her safety and mental health, and as you can see from this thread, they’re hearing judgment from every direction. Allies are worth their weight in gold not just to trans kids, but to their parents as well.

I have no skin in this game, but I want to thank you for this lovely, informative and thoughtful post, PP. You took the time to write something from the heart that is also valuable. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genderspectrum.org My son is trans (female to male). It’s been invaluable to DH and me during our son’s journey. He was older than your cousin’s child when he came out as trans so I can’t speak to that issue, only our experience with an older child.

It’s wonderful that you’re being supportive. You sound like a great aunt. I also think it’s awesome that you’re looking for more information and perspectives for the issues you have concerns about. Here’s another great site. https://transequality.org/issues/resources/supporting-the-transgender-people-in-your-life-a-guide-to-being-a-good-ally

I’d strongly suggest looking into a guide for supportive language vs offensive language. Gender reassignment has some negative connotations especially in the context you’re using it. She’s transitioning. (I know it’s going to seem nit picky to criticize language an ally uses, because you’re trying, but imagine being supportive of your cousin if her kid had Down syndrome and you said “how lovely that he learned his alphabet! You can barely tell he’s retarded.” ) Sometimes the wrong word choices get in the way of a supportive statement, and when it feels like the whole world is judging you, your parenting, and worst of all, your child, even well meaning family members can say things that make us prickly when they didn’t mean to. It’s not that we don’t appreciate your effort, it just feels like judgment (negative language) coming from our safe place (family).

If you really want to learn, be an ally, and meet members of the lgbt community (possibly trans people but it’ll vary), you could go to a PFLAG meeting. It’s a support group for the LGBT community, including allies-friends and family who want to be supportive. They’ll be happy to have you join, even if they know you’re trying to be supportive but you’re having trouble wrapping your mind around the issue. You’ll be able to share your stories and concerns, possibly meet someone who’s been there before, and they can probably provide more resources and suggestions for how you can be helpful.

As the parent of a trans child, let me say this with all my heart. The fact that you are still showing your love and support and acceptance (even with your internal conflict) is going to mean the world to them. They’re questioning every decision they have to make about their child, worrying every time she meets someone new, afraid for her safety and mental health, and as you can see from this thread, they’re hearing judgment from every direction. Allies are worth their weight in gold not just to trans kids, but to their parents as well.

OP here - thank you so much for this helpful post. I will definitely work on learning the language - I understand that words do matter!

I'll ignore the rest. This is why I worry for this family.

[Anonymous]

16:46 here. Thanks for the kind words pp. OP, it’s new and confusing but you’re doing a great thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Genderspectrum.org My son is trans (female to male). It’s been invaluable to DH and me during our son’s journey. He was older than your cousin’s child when he came out as trans so I can’t speak to that issue, only our experience with an older child.

It’s wonderful that you’re being supportive. You sound like a great aunt. I also think it’s awesome that you’re looking for more information and perspectives for the issues you have concerns about. Here’s another great site. https://transequality.org/issues/resources/supporting-the-transgender-people-in-your-life-a-guide-to-being-a-good-ally

I’d strongly suggest looking into a guide for supportive language vs offensive language. Gender reassignment has some negative connotations especially in the context you’re using it. She’s transitioning. (I know it’s going to seem nit picky to criticize language an ally uses, because you’re trying, but imagine being supportive of your cousin if her kid had Down syndrome and you said “how lovely that he learned his alphabet! You can barely tell he’s retarded.” ) Sometimes the wrong word choices get in the way of a supportive statement, and when it feels like the whole world is judging you, your parenting, and worst of all, your child, even well meaning family members can say things that make us prickly when they didn’t mean to. It’s not that we don’t appreciate your effort, it just feels like judgment (negative language) coming from our safe place (family).

If you really want to learn, be an ally, and meet members of the lgbt community (possibly trans people but it’ll vary), you could go to a PFLAG meeting. It’s a support group for the LGBT community, including allies-friends and family who want to be supportive. They’ll be happy to have you join, even if they know you’re trying to be supportive but you’re having trouble wrapping your mind around the issue. You’ll be able to share your stories and concerns, possibly meet someone who’s been there before, and they can probably provide more resources and suggestions for how you can be helpful.

As the parent of a trans child, let me say this with all my heart. The fact that you are still showing your love and support and acceptance (even with your internal conflict) is going to mean the world to them. They’re questioning every decision they have to make about their child, worrying every time she meets someone new, afraid for her safety and mental health, and as you can see from this thread, they’re hearing judgment from every direction. Allies are worth their weight in gold not just to trans kids, but to their parents as well.

I have no skin in this game, but I want to thank you for this lovely, informative and thoughtful post, PP. You took the time to write something from the heart
that is also valuable. Thank you.

+ 100 thank you